F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Sign up Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #1 
Waiting for d to return. Would. Not eat breakfast this morning, I said no breakfast no training(she does light training 2x wk) the usual negotiations regarding how big the slices of bread were what was going on them. The usual from me you don’t get to choose and refusal to engage in arguing with ED. Food thrown in floor, went to pick it up, while she was trying to stamp on the food.. luckily hand not hurt too much. She grabbed my face and pushed me. Still requested she eat.
Waited then said, let’s go, you will have time to eat on the way. For change of scene and another chance. Should have just stayed at home.
Thew food all over car. Stopped picked it up and re presented. Then after no lunck, said ok will drop you off at your dad’s now. (As I was going to take her there after training anyway)
At next lights she got out of car and stormed off.
Youngest still in back seat. Pulled over and waited. Nothing. Drove around for 30m called ex, called partner, called best friend to let me know if turns up anywhere.
Dropped little one at his dad’s.
Drove around for another hour.
Nothing.
Home now, still waiting.
She has had no food this morning.
Will wait until 4 hours and let police know.
So writing this in a hopeless mess, hoping that someone has a magic wand.
Ex has now gone out on his bike to see if he can see her...
scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,153
Reply with quote  #2 
oh Nicstar, 
This is awful! Please let us know when you find her. You are going through such a hard time! You are in my thoughts. 
XXX

__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #3 
Phew. She just came back to mine. 2 1/2 hours later.
Went up to bed. Said she has headache.
Now to try and calm and get some food in her as no food or drink consumed yet .
mimi321

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 529
Reply with quote  #4 
Good to hear!
__________________
Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Milne
Kali

Avatar / Picture

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,080
Reply with quote  #5 
Dear Nicstar4,

Whew. I am glad she is safe and came home. You must be so relieved.
It sounds as though you have been through the wringer today, as they say.
Be kind to yourself.

I used to ponder the appropriate response for behavior that I would not tolerate in a teen who was not ill and try to figure out how to handle it with a daughter who was ill. First and foremost the food has to go in; however violence is never ok. 

Will you and her dad be having a serious discussion with her about the events of today? I'm not a big fan of punishment, so I'm not suggesting that. I'm suggesting a sit down where you are very serious and remind her of what is acceptable behavior in a family and how we treat each other with kindness and compassion and respect because we love each other. How you need to know where she is in order to make sure she is safe. How violence is never acceptable or ok. How every day is a brand new opportunity to do better and to treat others better.

warmly,

Kali



__________________
Food=Love
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #6 
Well food is in, some at least. Mood has improved. Apology given. I told her she is not to run away and went through the many reasons and she said she understood why.
At the time she was pushing and shoving I said that is was totally unacceptable, and that she needed to stop.
Agree conversation needs to happen again when she is calm.
It is a daily rollercoaster. Know that since meal plan and back up and full supervision she has less and less control and spiraling into panic. One moment we are ok and the next big drama. There is no picking when it is going to go off. When that flick switches ED will do anything,
She is now ok with me dropping her to dads and I will have afternoon off, and she will decide whether she wants to stay there for the second week of school hols. Plan is she will come back and forth. But if she manipulates the meal
Plan anywhere, she will stay where is it working best.
Pingu

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 170
Reply with quote  #7 
Wow
Just wanted to say how your not howling at the moon I really don’t know
It’s horrendous the levels they will go to to avoid food.
My 14 year old is an IP atm and you’d think she would be devastated about missing gone life etc but no all she talks about is food and how much they’re making her eat etc
It’s true madness isn’t it to see your child be so taken with an illness like AN
You sound like an amazingly strong lady and hats off to you
Try and get some sleep you must be pooped
All the very best sweetie

Michelle
tina72

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,373
Reply with quote  #8 
Oh Nicstar4, what a day you had. My d did not escape from the car but I know a lot of parents needed to lock the car doors again even with nearly adult children. My d locked herself in in her room one day because we forgot to take off the keys from her room...we could not get in for hours and nearly had to break up the door.

If she is in such a bad mental state I would suggest you rethink allowing her to go to training. Any physical activity at that state takes a lot of energy from her and maybe she is not safe enough at the moment to do that. Normally in refeeding ALL sports have to stop for some time.

"Food thrown in floor, went to pick it up, while she was trying to stamp on the food.. luckily hand not hurt too much. She grabbed my face and pushed me."
After such behaviour I would not go anywhere with her. Such behaviour needs to have consequences. Eating is hard, yes, but that is unacceptable. You are still a human being and you need to be respected. Violence is not acceptable.

"Went up to bed. Said she has headache."
That was only to avoid eating. Follow her to her room if needed. A headache does not make eating impossible. Great that you were able to stay calm!

"Know that since meal plan and back up and full supervision she has less and less control and spiraling into panic."
It is not your d that has lost control. It is ED that lost control over your d. And it is ED that is panicking now. So that is life now, ED, here is the front door! Please try not to be afraid of something ED is afraid of because if you see ED panicking you are doing something RIGHT!

Hope you had a calm afternoon to reload your batteries.
Tina72





__________________
d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
Foodsupport_AUS

Avatar / Picture

Lead Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 3,990
Reply with quote  #9 
  Really feeling for you Nicstar4. When they run off it can be frightening  both with the risk and   what they may do in the process. My D got out of a moving car. 

I hope it doesn't happen again but if the same thing happened I would not wait to involve the police. She is mentally unwell and  at increased risk of self harm/suicide -  call them ASAP if it happens again. I hope the rest of the weekend goes better for you and even better if you get respite and she is eating at her Dad's. 

__________________
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #10 
Now feel like I have plan for next time! Hopefully will avoid the same issue!! Police will be notified sooner, especially given mental state.
So no more training, and no more going anywhere if so out of control. I just need to keep a more predictable pattern to ease some of the pressure, where is humanly practical!
Getting some much needed pause
Happy weekend all, or ok weeekd at least xx
tina72

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,373
Reply with quote  #11 
Think about locking doors and windows at night because she might try to escape again. Some kids here tried to jump out of windows on first floor!
__________________
d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
scaredmom

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 1,153
Reply with quote  #12 
Oh NIcstar4, 
I am so glad to read that she came home. I just woke up and saw this. I was worried for her safety. She has shown you how in control ED is and you will get control. My D tried to jump out of the car while moving. Well, I learned, she went into the back seat and all "flying objects" were taken away and I child locked the back. It is the overwhelming anxiety/fear that takes control. 
Glad she apologised that was the right thing. Glad you will have that serious discussion when all calm. 
I agree no more training and consider, please no physical exercise. We had issues with standing all the time, trying to be the fastest runner, and it was all ED, ED, ED and we had to stop it for her to get better mentally. I heard it here so many times, that once the exercise stopped altogether, the child truly was grateful. A mother I met a few days ago said the same. That her D told her she would have continued her sport obsessively if her mom did not stop her. 

Yes I agree, with Tina72, that you need consider that she may try to escape another way and to ensure you have closed the loopholes. Gosh, we learn so much when confronting ED, that we never, ever thought we would ever need to do as parents! It is not easy at all. Not that normal parenting is, but you know what I mean.

XXX

__________________
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
makeherwell

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 34
Reply with quote  #13 
Hi Nicstar4, so relieved she came home!! My daughter has tried to jump out of a moving car with her younger brother in back seat so can totally sympathise. I read here to put the local police number in phone which I have done (and d knows) and I won’t hesitate to call it if she is away for more than 10 mins. We just need to keep trying to we get it right!!
Nicstar4

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 172
Reply with quote  #14 
Doors and windows locked in house and car from now on! Local police number will be on my phone.
Good to not be alone in this madness, sorry that anyone else has to do this.
Just spoke with d and she is doing ok tonight. Stepmum is right on it by the sounds of it. So good they have joined the party. Good to get the support finally.
Funny part of the day was the thought of my ex on his bike looking for her! We were searching the same area, sorry I did not get a glimpse of him on the bike, he is very unsteady and cautious on one!!
tina72

Avatar / Picture

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 2,373
Reply with quote  #15 
Try to breathe through and take the time when she is at her dads household for YOURSELF. You need to care for yourself and reload your batteries.
Yes, it is so good to know that you are not alone and that those things happen in other families, too. Never had the idea to lock doors and take away keys with a 17 year old... Today this is so strange like it has never happened.
Be prepared that you will see a lot of hard fight at the beginning until ED knows that you are really serious and then it will get better.
And come here to vent if needed, that helps too [wink]
Tina72

__________________
d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
teecee

Caregiver
Registered:
Posts: 343
Reply with quote  #16 
We have a key cupboard where all keys including car keys are locked then we just have to hide the one key at nighttime (or when needed).
Please do not worry about calling 999 if she goes missing in similar circumstances again. She is vulnerable and there would be no criticism - safeguarding vulnerable people is the number 1 priority. Plus it will send ED a very valuable message. Xx
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

WTadmin