F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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strawdog
Morning all

At 3 weeks in and re-feeding well - she has gone from 47.1 kg to 49,4kg -  is it ok for her to start requesting meals at all? I know it's ok for her to generalise - like I fancy pasta or rice etc but she was always obsessed with searching for healthy menus on her phone and she is still doing this to a certain degree. So she said she found a nice Jamie Oliver prawn and pasta recipe that she wanted to share with me so I said - sure send me the link and I'll have a look. It's not a big on calorie meal but neither is it an out and out health food recipe. So do I cook it for her or is that giving back a very small amount of control too soon? One thing I thought I could do is cook it for her but add some home touches like some extra cheese or cream?
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tina72
The big question again is WHO asks for that and why.
Is it your d asking for a meal she loved before ED and she is desperately wanting to eat again? My d restricted all the food she loved before and then when she came home from IP she asked me to cook that again and I did. She did not aks what is in there and she did not chose it because it is healthy but because she loves that meal.
Is it ED that is trying to manipulate you to cook "healthy food" or "low carb" or "light"? Is she asking you to follow the recipe exactly and not to change anything or to add? That would make my alarm bells ring...
So if you think it is something between the first and the second idea give it a try. Cook it and add cheese and cream so it would be calory dense enough and see what happens. Again, there is no right or wrong. It is try and error. If the next step from her is to try to give you instructions what to cook every day you know it was an error. But maybe she just thought "oh, that seems to taste great" and that is o.k.

Another thing: if she still uses the phone for searching for recipes a lot (most ED patients do that excessivly) check what she does with her phone in addition to that. I mean instagram challenges like who has the thinnest legs and the lowest weight, these pro*n* sites and calory checking...it might be needed to block some things there. And do not forget to check history of the PC she uses.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mamaroo
Hi, I'm with Tina on this one.

Try not to make a habit of it. If she keeps on in requesting and you feel it is ED driven, tell her it is now another family member's choice. I would also discourage her looking at recipes, my d used to have a recipe scrapbook and would get recipe books and magazines at the beginning of the illness. This is typical behaviour when one is starved. My d is WR for 2 years now, and still we don't watch cooking shows and I don't let any recipe books or magazines laying around. Now my d would ask for her favourite recipes, which are high in calories and I've no problem making them.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Ronson
Hi 

I agree you need to ensure it is not Ed driven - we generally know from what d used to eat before what is ed driven and what is not.  We try to concentrate on what is normal - so it can be ok to fancy certain food but there must be a level of variety and it can’t be calorie driven. 

If the meal is low calorie - which Jamie Oliver tends to be then I would add to it.  I would add cream, cheese, oils etc without her knowing but I would also do a side she does know about so you know if it’s Ed driven. 

So I would cook it for the whole family and have some garlic bread with it - not on the table to help herself but plated - 2 slices. If she just wants the meal because it sounds good she will be ok with the side aswell 

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Frazzled
Hi Strawdog, 
My D asked for recipes early on also. What I did was make them but I added a lot of oil, cream or other extras to increase the calories. This started when she was at a very low weight. I felt it worked for us because she was getting what she needed even though she thought the recipe was semi healthy. I was able to get some of the recipes to 1,000+ cals this way. We went through an entire cookbook doing this and she was exposed to a lot of different entrees and sides this way. Since then we have went though two cookbooks. I have added things that she used to like throughout the week also and continue to do so. Add dessert and a caloric drink to the meal.  Go with your gut. Everyone’s situation is different. Also, I put a good parental control software on all devices in the home and shut off certain websites and anything related to food and calories so she wasn’t triggered by that anymore. 
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strawdog
Yes it definitely not a pre ED request. Its hard to stop her looking at recipes when so much is available via Instagram or just googling meals. I think the best thing is just to do what's being advised here - maybe just cook the meal (and not straightaway) and 'thicken' in out with some cream or add some additional meats or a side of garlic bread - and then she will soon learn she can request types of food ie pasta and prawns but that it wont ever be exactly the recipe she sends me.
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tina72
I would also do it that way. If you add extras and cook it not directly when she requests it you will see by her reaction if it was ED driven or not.
Think about limiting internet access and/or time.
My d told me later that she read all these recipes and watched all these cooking chanels to not feel so hungry any more. Isn´t that sad? With me it would just be the opposite: I would get very hungry if I would watch all this the whole day. I sometimes get hungry here when someone posts what they had for lunch 😂
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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strawdog
Limiting internet access to a 16 year old is almost impossible. Taking her phone and MacBook off her would be the only way to do this and this wouldn’t happen in reality. She uses her MacBook for schoolwork and revision for a start.
They say you put on weight as an adult when refeeding but that’s not happened for me yet. I tend to eat much less during the day due to stress and anxiety about it all but also knowing I will eat a lot in the evening !
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tina72
"Limiting internet access to a 16 year old is almost impossible. Taking her phone and MacBook off her would be the only way to do this and this wouldn’t happen in reality. She uses her MacBook for schoolwork and revision for a start."

That is really hard but a lot of us had to do that. My d was 17 when we did that. NO internet access on smartphone any more until we saw that she used it for other things than checking calories and pictures of thin models. Only Whatsapp was allowed. Ipad and PC only in living room under supervision and no internet outside the house. Schoolwork was allowed but controlled. Checking recipes is NO schoolwork 🙂.
Do you check the history of smartphone and Macbook regularly to see what she is doing there? If she is not misusing it there is no need to do something. And if she is misusing it you need to do that no matter how old she is.

Compare it to something other really dangerous: if she would chat with males she does not know in a pedophil darkroom you would stop that, wouldn´t you? There are VERY strange things going around in this AN and pro*n* world that you would not imagine are real. They celebrate each other for every day eating nothing. They give each other tips how to crash parents affords with eating. And and and...

Remember it is no normal parenting in these days. They can have freedom and control with everything else but not with that.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Frazzled
Strawdog look into the Disney circle for limiting access to the internet. That way you completely control all devices and don’t have to take them away from her. You can control each device separately with the circle also. You can pause the internet, shut off and on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat etc when needed, set a bedtime that the internet automatically shuts off at a certain time so she isn’t looking things up when you are sleeping. You can customize certain websites. You can shut off all lifestyle, food sites, blogs, chats, personal sites, and restrict YouTube. You have total control. This has really helped with my non ED teenager and my ED daughter.  Samples below.16243B6B-96F6-48E3-A9B3-FB5529791B70.png  ACDBFA69-69F1-49B0-B171-F13AAB37E14D.png  C7134895-CE7A-4E39-BBDC-F1DA9238E5D7.png  et
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MargieMom
Circle is a godsend for us, too.  We also subscribe to CircleGo for $5/month, which controls access when she is at school (which is not very often these days) or otherwise off our wifi network. We turn Instagram on when she needs to get homework info from a friend who doesn't have a smartphone, but then we can switch it off afterward. I thought my daughter would balk more at being so restricted, but honestly, I think it was a relief for her.  That or the e.d. is so all-encompassing in her mind that nothing else matters.
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Ronson
I turned off all internet access on d’s phone for browsing and allowed her some limited social media. She was allowed more on her I pad but only because we could monitor this at home (phone was taken to school).  We checked histories etc as well and told d we were doing it.  It is hard but necessary.  No phones or I pads at bedtime either.  
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Mamaroo
We changed our wifi password and had to re-set up all our phones', tablets', tvs' etc password - except for the children's tablets (they only have dumb phones). I activated our guestnetwork and gave our children the guestnetwork's password. So when they need to go on the internet, I switch on the guestnetwork and when they're done I just switch it off again, easy as!

I have to add that they're only allowed on their tablets where I can monitor them. 
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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