F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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salmy
We have reached the glorious and also torturous "weight range". Upon hearing that ED flipped its lid and D has been a miserable wreck ever since. Understandably! While her body is nourished and getting stronger - first period in almost a year! Her underwear are uncomfortable...I've tried to find the most granny-est panties ever that come up over her belly button so there is not pressure on her abdomen whatsoever. Have you experienced this too? She decided she doesn't want to wear underwear...but that's not working out so well with having a period.😆 Her mental health is not keeping up. I am well aware of over shoot, and am not even about to drop calories or meals and snacks. It took 4000 calories/day to get her to start gaining. That plus closing every possible loop hole with meals and snacks and school and at home have resulted in this gain over the past 6 weeks. I am hoping that the mental health piece catches up quickly.... I am getting tired. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about how having a child with an eating disorder and refeeding draws some similarities to being pregnant and nursing. Maybe you've felt this way too? When I was pregnant I gave my body over to this child. I ate what was best for her growth and development (Now, I feed her what is best for her growth and development AND I am giving over my body and eating what she eats...which is very high calorie foods - even though I'm eating less than her my body is legit blowing up). I feel like I'm not allowed to feel bad about how my own body is changing... wow, that is messed up. Is there a thread just for this?! Then, refeeding... it feels like it did when I was nursing this same child and I never had enough milk and I was in a constant panic about if she'd had enough, and when it was time for her to eat. When it is times to feed her I feel that same anxiety start to rise. Do you feel this too? I don't let on about it, but it is real and just the same feelings I had 16 years ago when she was a baby. 
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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Enn

Wow what wonderful news you bring!! Getting her weight up, a period. 
Yes all you have noted is normal. Yes get her new undies! She is getting used to her new healthy body. Give it time , months not weeks. The brain takes a long time, like 6 months after WR and more. She has to catch up to her healthy peers, if that makes sense and she has a severe medical issues that will take time to heal. Keep up the 4000 cal per day. Her body will settle out.

Of course you are tired. Yes you have given yourself, body and mind to ED. Many of us learned to eat the same as before, or at least try to. You needs are different then hers and it is ok for her to know that. 
I understand the feelings of your own changing body, and for many of us it makes us come to grips with our own weight/eating thoughts.

The anxiety you are feeling is normal in this illness and remember a lot of us (me) may experience PTSD. It is real for us. The mind and body have a subconscious memory and those memories can be reflected in that anxiety. Yes I understand that. It takes time and if it is really bothering you please get help. You have done so well. Pat yourself on the back. This post is so great!!
Do you take some time for yourself at all?Take a breather, you deserve it! 

Well done salmy, well done!

I had been thinking about you and how it was going!

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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MKR
Hi @salmy , Yes! 

Yes, for the periods, yes for the D's weight, yes for comfier clothes. Well done!

Yes, for the flashbacks to the tiny baby/ toddler days. So true. We are nurturing our babies, it's only natural. 

Maybe take this opportunity to take a breather and recharge?
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Barberton

Your analogy is so true! Don't worry about your weight gain, it is a sacrifice you make as a parent. I decided to deal with my weight gain by focusing on becoming stronger. That way I felt less 'out of control' about eating with my d. 

I have taken to cutting the size labels out of my d's clothes. I don't think she looks at the labels, but I don't want her seeing the increase in size and getting anxious. I have a stash of the exact same undies in different sizes and as they go through the wash I can slip a new pair in. I told her I wanted to make sure we were all wearing clean/new undies this year rather than wear them until threadbare. Unfortunately, I can't' do this with her other clothes! 

D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
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ValentinaGermania
Barberton wrote:

Unfortunately, I can't' do this with her other clothes! 


Maybe you can at least with some. I bought same yeans brand and model in 2 different bigger sizes, cut the labels out and "lost" the smaller ones in the laundry...🙂
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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PurpleRain
I "lost" a few jeans too, she had a few that fitted so didn't noticed/cared or at least she didn't say anything to me. Later on with more weight on we went to buy new ones. Now I want to "lose" one or two, not because of the size but because of the colour, black,black, black, but she loves them and they fit so she would notice. She is starting to add colour to her outfits so, i guess the black jeans and sweatshirts may stay.
13 yo d started to eat "healthy" September 2018, she had a growth spurt a bit later, followed by tummy bug. She started restricting breakfast and school lunch in January 2019 (that we know). We succesfully refed at home.
I have found inner strenght, patience and compassion that I did not know I had.
Never retreat, never surrender
keep feeding
 
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MKR
Hi again @salmy,

I believe your girl would have grown into bigger size clothes in any case. I wonder if she's grown in height, too. Would she be willing to shop with you for new underwear (more like new design and color) or would that risk a trigger?

They now make very comfortable underwear for periods, feeling like second skin. Pricey though, but can be used as normal undies.

PurpleRain wrote:
I "lost" a few jeans too, she had a few that fitted so didn't noticed/cared or at least she didn't say anything to me. Later on with more weight on we went to buy new ones. Now I want to "lose" one or two, not because of the size but because of the colour, black,black, black, but she loves them and they fit so she would notice. She is starting to add colour to her outfits so, i guess the black jeans and sweatshirts may stay.


Hahaha, it's hard enough to keep track of all the school socks lost... so losing jeans must go unnoticed, too.

And those pretty outfits we were once able to dress our girls in - until they started having favourites 🤭. In NZ mums of toddlers joke they'll put a sign on their child "I dressed myself this morning" hehehe.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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salmy
We had a smidge of success with the undies... I think she wears them to school *most* days. Sometimes this feels like defiance and not a comfort issue. 
I bit the bullet and tossed clothes this weekend - replacing them with the same and similar clothes in the next size up. This was after taking her shopping with me, hoping that she would select some things to try on by herself... instead she got very stressed and walked out. I get that. I expected it, just hoped that wouldn't be the case. Well, it seems that D did not actually realize I had replaced her clothes (I did NOT tell her that I had)... and she had a giant emotional and violent melt down this morning. I had hoped that she would just be quietly grateful that she has clothes that fit... although I know ED just wants to punish her for needing the next size up. Do you have a better strategy? The loosing it in the wash strategy did not work for us here. :/
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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MKR
So sorry to hear this. Do you think she will calm down and accept the clothes eventually? I really, really hope this was just an outburst and will not repeat. She has to wear something to go out of the house. 

The meltdowns in our house were huge but short. All was calm for the next day or so while I was sore for a long time.  But best not underestimate the ourbursts. Try to offer reassurance regardless. I know it's hard.

Hugs
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Foodsupport_AUS
This is an emotional wave that needs to be ridden. I am not sure if you removed the tags from the new clothes, but if not it can be a good idea to do so if the distress is likely to be so great it interferes with eating. Anything you say, lost clothes, need more comfortable (bigger) clothes is going to be interpreted as bad. The best we can do is smooth it over for a bit. You did take her shopping and she walked out, so you did the best you could in the circumstances. When the time comes next time, and of course it normally does, then she could come with you and try things on? Sometimes just pointing out sizing inconsistency is enough to help them try things on and ignore the size label. The only real test is does it fit, not the number. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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ValentinaGermania
I fear she needs to go through this. It is normal for a child to grow and develop and need bigger sizes up to 20.
Normally a child should be happy when she needs new clothes, so this is ED that wants to keep her thin.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Maybe you already did this, but is it possible to buy an additional copy of those same new clothes, in the next size up?  Then if you cut out all the tags, maybe she won't notice when you change them out next time, especially if you wash them all at the same time so that they don't look unworn.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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salmy
I love how @MKR says that she was sore for a while afterwards...that is exactly how I'm feeling. I am out of sorts and just really grumpy with D. I can't be her person, her safe spot when I'm feeling like this and I can tell I'm pushing her away. I'm not here in the mornings when she gets ready for school, but according to my husband it is a sh*t show. And every afternoon when I come home there is a pile of clothes in the snow outside her 2nd story bedroom window. She's dumping clothes out her window! And I'm so upset about all of this (not to mention the money spent) that I'm nagging and aggravated. I think I need a long walk and a fresh perspective. ðŸ˜©
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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MKR
Some scenes in our house would be almost funny - if they weren't so profoundly tragic! No one wants to see their baby transform into a Gremlin by the terrible illness. And being a human punchbag as @smm74 described it takes a lot of energy out of the parent. 

I admit I reacted at times with sarcasm. When food went into the bin or down the sink, I suggested she do it in the supermarket - save me all the effort of lugging, sorting, cooking, serving and just head straight for a restaurant (my D hates spending money and this is what always stopped her).

I am grateful that the child will have next to no memory of the most epic moments. And I never bring it up. Even as I quietly raise eyebrows nowadays at say, second helpings, she doesn't seem to understand why I am pleased ("what's the big deal?"). Can't win. But we have weathered the worst already, hang in there!
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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