F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Hi all,

A rant and just need some support.  Our d who has been doing really well went to the ED specialist doctor today and during her “blind weighing” saw her weight due to a mistake by the nurse.  Now she is pissed at everyone, not eating and says she trusts no one.  It feels like everything that we worked on has just been flushed down the drain.  

how can a specialist mess up the one thing that is MOST important.  WTF???

Ok I get why you are upset. And it was bound to happen at some point. This may be an important moment for you all. Learning to tolerate their and our own distress needs happen. These types of things will happen again I am sure. One day in the future near or far, she would need to see her weight and learn to ‘get over it’ .I know it may not have come at  the ideal moment for you, but really when would have  been the right moment?
I could get angry with you, but I am choosing not to. Because this happens  and no one deliberately wanted derail your progress. 
I say all of this with care and kindness. I am sorry you are upset. I know you were not expecting this and it is a big shock and you all were not prepared. 
Her upset although so acute right now, may not be as bad or long lasting  and maybe , just maybe, a turning point? 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)

Ps in the statement where I say I could get angry with you I don’t mean at you. My apologies if you read it that way. I mean I could be angry at your specialist just like you are. I just don’t feel that is the best way forward.


When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Hi @camusicmom,

I am sorry to hear this hurdle had been sprung on you. I can well remember the daily struggle to get that weight on and the continuous stress, the constant high alert.

Feel free to vent. Lesson learnt.

But like @Enn said, there will always be a trigger hard to avoid, causing a slide. It could be the slip at blind weighing, it could be a casual wrong comment from well-meaning family member or friend, it could be an advert you happen to drive past.

Please stay strong!

You have done a great job so far (or your d's ED would not have been so upset). Your perseverance will bring you all out of this darkness, back to safety.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
I truly understand your upset, we also had major dramas at times because my D found out her weight. That being said, each time it was because she was trying to find out her weight - she would try to peek when being blind weighed, she would sneak a look at her notes or other things. It is scary when they react adversely to finding out. 
I would suggest feedback to the specialist that you are unhappy that the nurse made a mistake but depending on what happened it may not be that greater departure from expected practice. 

As for your D, often the distress is short lasting. I found keeping going as though nothing had happened and expecting no changes in behaviour was the best thing. If she raises the weight thing herself, I would let her know that you understand she finds the number distressing but that it is just a number, and nothing changes because of it. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.

I feel your frustration
I can remember (after my d being blind weighed in hospital for 2 months)  then on discharge  her learning her weight resulting in
a total meltdown from her (or her ED) and of course wanting to restrict/thinking they’ve made me fat/crying/ SH  blah blah blah 
I thought to myself why on earth did they tell her? and I was angry as I now got handed this kid and had to deal with the fall out

but the thing is they are going to find out at some point (when in the initial grip of the illness isn’t probably the best time) but they don’t instantly recover so it’s hard to know when the best time is
i now realise its a process and unfortunately they need to find out their weight at some stage (although we feel it would be easier if they never knew) and it’s not the end of the world, weight DOES need to go on
we do not have a scale in the house but my d now is weighed weekly at her OP appt and is learning to deal with it
its so hard 

 at the end of the day there is many places they can find out their weight unless you have your child with you 24/7

Recovery is not easy 
keep going one day at a time and believe it really DOES get better 

We had a similar experience. It did indeed precipitate a conversation about distress tolerance, and we decided in FBT that while our d wasn’t ready to know her weight, she was ready to know if it was up or down - ultimately it moved us forward. This of course depends where you’re at in your own journeys.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. I also felt that the world was somehow conspiring against me to undo the work done...work with lots of blood, sweat and tears. It felt even worse when it wasn’t as a result of a professional but a family member or friend. 

Now I am able to deal with it by taking a big deep breath or sign (swearing internally!) and continuing doing what I do. Also remember that in the long run these experiences will hopefully build resilience for your D. She will come across many people in life who upset the apple cart so to speak and she will be able to deal with it less dramatically and bounce back quicker. 

virtual hugs x

So sorry to hear that that nurse messed up.  Sucks.  It's hard enough without the paid "help" causing problems.  Ugh.  xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
camusicmom, Sadly, you will have many WTF moments as you navigate care for your d.  I always try to follow up these events with our ED specialist team with an email stating what happened, what the impact was for us and suggesting how it could be handled better in the future. People do better when they know better.
D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.