F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Why is it that I let this horrible thing make me doubt what i am doing? Things have been going very well, but D is getting anxious.  We are going to IFT at UCSD this week to start on monday.  She blamed me for the voices getting stronger and its my fault b/c it was my idea to go there and if we were not going she would be "just fine".  I told her that if they were truly gone then this wouldn't be an issue for her; but then that voice in my head goes "maybe she's right, we haven't paid yet"  I know this is not true; but i totally lost it as we have not had a meltdown in almost 2 whole weeks!!!!!  I felt paralyzed and almost===almost ler her skip a meal.  But i heard all your "voices" in my head and kept fighting on and she did eat and we did have a laugh before bedtime, but i am feeling so worn out.  I did have myself a good cry to get my emotions out after everyone went to bed, but why can i keep it together for so long and then become a raving lunatic at the drop of a hat??????????????????????????????

Thanks for listening.  Think i just needed to to get it out.

glad I'm not alone in this
Hang in there, kassie. I believe you are doing the right thing by going to UCSD. We haven't been, but we're eyeing it for next one Sept 18 - 23.  Wish I could say we are going next week. GO! That totally sounds like her ED is worried. You're right, the fact that she is worried about it, there's still issues. It might help her to know that from what I understand they try to help her find ways to deal with her anxiety. This is about helping her manage that stress. I can understand your ambivalence about going. I keep thinking that I'll explain it to my d as a time to learn as much as we can, because we care so much about her that we are seeking the very best treatment out there. I hope you also have some time to enjoy each other, the beach, and whatever else you might find to do there to rest, relax, and restore.

d=18, R-AN, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Refed at home with information gathered from this forum and lots of books. Relapsed. Refed. Relapsed. Refed. 17 sessions with an excellent individual therapist. 19 sessions with unhelpful dietician. 3 sessions of DBT (didn't like it). Psychiatrist available if needed. Prozac - fail. Lexapro - fail. 5HTP - fail. Clorazepam/Klonopin = major improvement, only used when necessary. Genomind SLC6A4 short/short - not able to process SSRI's.
d=15, lost 14 lbs in 8 months, Ped [nono]diagnosed as a crystal on a hair in the ear canal
kassie wrote:
we have not had a meltdown in almost 2 whole weeks!!!!!

Two whole weeks?!? Woohoo, way to go!!!

This superhero parenting really takes a toll, doesn't it? But clearly the biggest toll is on Ed - you are WINNING!!! And you are doing everything you need to do to KEEP winning.

Keep up the good work, and Ed won't stand a chance. xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
You are doing fantastic. The ED is feeling cornered and is fighting back. It knows you have it cornered.
Well done for getting her to eat and good that you had a laugh too. You have to take your laughs anywhere and everywhere you find them!
Not go inning to lie and you know this already but you will feel exhausted in this process. Remember you need to look after yourself too. Could you get some therapy for yourself? A lot of us do. It helps some people. I didn't find the right therapist but I'm thinking of looking again

Take care and well done for getting this far xxx
Mum to 17y/o D living in England. RAN since Sept 2015. Refed at home but after getting within 3kg of WR D relapsed July 2016. hospital twice and then IP  Sept 2016 - Jan 2018. Now continuing the battle at home...
Hi Kassie, it sounds like you are doing great and don't be hard on yourself it's hard to keep it going and losing it is normal too we are human not robots or machines. As well as living with the nightmare of ed we all have other stuff in our lives too . Ed sounds threatened that' maybe the reason for the meltdown. Be kind to yourself this is probably the most difficult job any of us will do in our lives and it is here on this forum we all see we have to care for ourselves to be able to keep going. Wishing you well and hope the course goes well..
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
Of course ED doesn't want to go to UCSD.  It's scared as heck that you are going to kick it out of the house for good (and you ARE!).  My D was terrible in the time immediately preceding our trip to San Diego.  I just used that "feedback" to strengthen my resolve to go.  If there truly is no issue and she's on the path to recovery, going to UCSD will just be a waste of a bit of $$$ (it won't be...trust me!).  That's the WORST that can happen.  You'll waste some money.  But, the best that can happen is that you will be on a stronger path to full recovery.   My D, at the end, was mostly happy we went.  It taught us all excellent techniques for getting through difficult times...whether those are ED driven or teenage years driven.  Very very valuable.  Its a bit of an unknown for the patients because they don't know what to expect.  I'm not going to lie...the first couple of days were ROUGH....but it got better after that and we really got going in the right direction.

The team there is first rate.  :-)
D, age 18, first diagnosed March 20, 2013, RAN, at age 13 Hospitalized 3 weeks for medical stability. FBT at home since.  UCSD Multi-family Intensive June 2015. We've arrived on the other side.  :-)  D at college and doing great!
Kassie you are doing a fab job to get the ED so worried and the words your daughter is using mirrors so many situation that we have been in

If the parents on here collectively wrote a book of quotes they would be in most given situations the exact quotes/words
we have all heard them before and as the others say if the ED is running scared and avoiding going them it is worried and you are doing WELL. When things are quiet and the child is willing conforming before full recovery then negative behaviours are at play..........

keep doing what you are doing fab mum and you will get there


Dear kassie,

Well done and its OK that we dont keep our cool all the time & great that you got some good time after. The ED is on notice that its going to be tackled and does not want that. I believe the USCD sessions are very much like the Centre for Balanced Living sessions so I believe you will get heaps of help with learning how to work through the hard bits that test the ability to keep a cool head & your D will get the same help to learn about what impacts her & how to work through them in a positive way.
ED Dad
Kassie, what a good mama you are. This is SO hard but stay strong! Without hesitation I encourage you to continue your plan to go to UCSD. It is the best thing we ever did to help our daughter. That was in 2009 and it was the beginning of her journey to full recovery. She has never looked back and remains healthy to this day. Going to UCSD helped us in every single way. Go for it!! Sending huge hugs to you!!