F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Cherryusa


These type of anecdotal inferences just infuriate me and perpetuate NON evidence based ed treatment!
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Sotired
Interesting.i didn't get the same inference at all.i think when we are in this hell we interpret the word starving only in relation to food.but of course it is used in another way and truthfully I think that way is also appropriate.my dad worked 12-14hour days,I was a daddys girl so I was always starved for his attention.my own h, how many times I have had the conversation with him that he needs to spend more time with the kids and less on the computer (pre anorexia),I couldn't begin to tell you.dads often flake so it's a timely reminder to them-which my h would never see cause he's always on the computer-that they matter and their relationship with their daughters and sons matters.now this is only my interpretation so don't shoot me down in flames,I just didn't relate this go anorexia,it seemed generalised.
Sotired42
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mjkz
I agree with Sotired.  I think using only fathers in it is a bit old school because mothers and fathers can both get so focused on careers that kids suffer.  Important reminder that it is not only the amount of time you spend with your kids but the quality of the time too.
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Cherryusa
This is an eating disorder video made by a therapist who treats at a local eating disorder facilty . "Starved" refers to anorexic girls who are starved for food and for attention from their fathers. I can't tell you how many kids I work with have no fathers or very abusive horrible ones and they don't have an eating disorder. It's insulting to me . It's old school implication and it should really go.
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sk8r31
Ugh!  This kind of message is so old-school and insulting...that not getting enough attention from Dad (or Mom) causes an ED.

In the very early days, our d's pediatrician pulled me aside to say that she thought my husband was to blame for d's ED...he is very anxious and a worrier.  

We 'fired' that doc, and teamed up with another provider who was not completely informed about latest evidence-based treatment, but was willing to learn.  She fully supported our family in a way that was empowering, and in hind sight (but not at the time!!) my d said this doc was the most important person in terms of her recovery.

As a parent advocate, and someone interested in dispelling old-school attitudes regarding ED, this kind of message is toxic.


It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Sotired
Ahh,ok.sorry,the snippet just looked like a news programme to me.parent blaming is alive and well in all corners of the globe for many many things,but you are right that it is a stupid message.and so unhelpful as it is parents who have to advocate and support their children.best just not to focus on this kind of thing really as it detracts from your own fight.there are always going to be doctors and therapists who subscribe to this point of view,it's so convenient to have readymade scapegoats to blame rather than seeing this as a biologically based mental illness.the dangerous part to it is that it might contain a tiny element of truth-I lost a lot of weight and my dad went on about it like I had never done anything more worthy of celebrating.he also was on my case 6 weeks after I gave birth to a premature baby (smallboy) by emergency caesarean to start losing weight.and again he mentioned it at 9weeks and 3months.sadly dads like this do exist and I nearly made myself anorexic to keep his approval.my thought patterns were very disorders and it was only because I had good friends and a large amount of will that I pulled myself off the edge.it doesn't mean he doesn't love me but he just can't help himself.only my daughters anorexia has stopped him commenting on people's weight-including my own-to me.
Anyway,sorry I misunderstood.
Sotired42
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Colleen
This snippet is from 2006.  Not that that excuses it, but I'm amazed at how awareness has improved since my d became ill in 2008.

EDs are biological brain disorders.  They are not caused by dads who don't love their children enough.  Parents should be good parents no matter what, but NO PARENT CAN CAUSE AN ED no matter how much time they spend on a computer or in the office or conversely how overinvolved they are in their children's lives.

There's a nugget of truth from one of the sufferers there--"My dad tried to teach me about healthy eating and exercise and I took it too far."  It wasn't that her dad did anything wrong--it's that if you have the genetics for an ED and you restrict your intake or overexercise or have an energy imbalance of some kind, you risk falling down the rabbit hole.  It wasn't the dad who caused the ED.  It was the MALNUTRITION that triggered the genetics of ED.  It could have happened because Dad pushed 'healthy eating' or because a TEACHER pushed it.  But you don't see a lot of teacher-blaming.  Why?  Because it's ridiculous!  Yes, we should be careful with the messages we are sending our children.  And parents should be decent parents.  BUT PARENTS DO NOT CAUSE EATING DISORDERS.

I'm hoping that this is just a dated snippet and the therapist featured has been schooled.  There are a lot of therapists who believed crap like this who have changed their minds and are genuine advocates of family involvement in helping their children and non-parent-blaming (there are also a lot who cling to Old School ideas:  the old Semmelweis Reflex).
Colleen in the great Pacific Northwest, USA

"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease."
Alexander Pope, 1688-1744
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WeNWinning
This is an old school thought and one that is in a book called "Father Hunger".   I remember our EDO pediatrician telling us to get that book over a decade ago, when my D was 11 and so ill with anorexia.
WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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Cherryusa
I was searching ED providers in our area and saw this on the website of one of the most well known ED program in our area. It is linked to a specific therapist as he put it together and it's still advertised as a resource as "father's influence of their daughter's eating disorder". I was shocked that a program that now advertises they offer Maudsley is supporting that old school damaging information.
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Jasmine1
The longer I travel down this road the more convinced I am there are mostly genetic elements or personality types that contribute to this illness. I have 2 daughters with exactly the same upbringing yet they are poles apart in their temperaments. My daughter with ED is highly intelligent, competitive, perfectionist, and argumentative!! My other daughter is much more relaxed about everything in life and has a completely different outlook. My husband works but every other spare moment of his time is spent with his girls- if anything they have been 'overparented' by him!! If there's even such a thing!! I often work weekends so he spends all his time doing fun stuff with the girls taking them out, helping with homework and is always there for them. They have not been short of attention from him! In fact it really annoys me when people say eating disorders are a cry for attention. It seems outdated and ignorant to me. Personally I think eating disorders are a very complex illness with many many factors contributing.
Daughter was age 11 when she started restricting Aug 2014, admitted to paed ward Dec 2014 for low BP, pulse rate and spent 3 weeks there. As they were about to NG tube her, she decided to eat again. After approx. 1.5 years on a meal plan and lots of toil, sweat and tears she is weight restored and has just been discharged from NHS care. It's been a very slow traumatic process but each day we are making progress.
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