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jobe Show full post »
jobe

Torie wrote:

My heart goes out to you both.  She is lucky to have you.  I cannot imagine how angry you must be about the creep who abused her.



You probably can imagine. Off the charts angry. He threw a bomb into our family. D the most injured, by far, but it has destroyed what we used to be as a family. We are rebuilding tho! Every one of us is in therapy: me, H, other d, too. We are single-handedly supporting the therapist economy in Seattle! 😂


Torie wrote:

We all want to think that.  My d was one of the easiest cases here, and I can tell you it was HORRIBLE.  Whether or not it is "not that bad," I would urge you to fight this with everything you have, right away.  I was SO glad I received that good advice here.  ED gets stronger with every lost pound and every purging episode.


I hear you. Thanks for that hard truth.


As if I haven't already said enough things you didn't want to hear, I would think very hard about allowing her to try out for cheer leading.  For one thing, it burns precious calories, and for another, it really ramps up the focus on weight, size shape etc.


I wonder if I can use it as incentive. She tries out in May. Should I put a weight target or eating behavior as a requirement for being able to try out? She really wants her driver's license but we are not allowing her to take driver's ed because she lies to us often, spends money on our credit cards so we have to keep them hidden, and she knows taking driver's ed requires that we can trust her to be where she says she is and with who she says she is with and to follow our rules for driving (not letting friends drive our car, etc.) She'll be 16 in two months, but we are far from that kind of trust as her last major episode of lying about where she was going and who she was with was 2 weeks ago. 
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jobe
Ok, having trouble with the post with quote function!

Teecee, I just posted to your thread on EMDR. So happy it's having results for you. It's an amazing thing that so many professionals don't understand. Here in Seattle, EMDR is kind of poo-pooed by the professional community. My therapist says it's because different cities are influenced by their universities and here we have a big name at the UW--Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, so that is the prevailing type of therapy here. Which is effective, to be sure, but my therapist says that on the East Coast EMDR is far more used and better understood. Of course they can be used in conjunction. 

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Torie
jobe wrote:
I wonder if I can use it [cheerleading] as incentive. She tries out in May. Should I put a weight target or eating behavior as a requirement for being able to try out? She really wants her driver's license but we are not allowing her to take driver's ed because she lies to us often, spends money on our credit cards so we have to keep them hidden, and she knows taking driver's ed requires that we can trust her to be where she says she is and with who she says she is with and to follow our rules for driving (not letting friends drive our car, etc.) She'll be 16 in two months, but we are far from that kind of trust as her last major episode of lying about where she was going and who she was with was 2 weeks ago. 

Oh dear, I would be really reluctant to allow cheerleading.  Is there anything else she might like?  Musical instrument?  Photography or arts/crafts?  Juggling lessons?

I wonder if you could let her take drivers' ed, with the understanding that she cannot get her actual license until she has earned your trust?  Or maybe require her to pay for a tracking device for the car - this is probably not the best one, but I am wondering if something like this would work for you:
https://www.amazon.com/MOTOsafety-Real-Time-Tracking-Monitoring-MPVAS1/dp/B006TZ8A5W?th=1

If you think the tracking option has merit, perhaps she could earn "credits" by eating (amounts or fear foods or whatever) that would go toward paying for the car tracking.  Some here have used a system something like 5 points possible per day (1 for each completed meal and snack), plus a bonus point for 3 consecutive days of earning full points.

I'm just tossing out some ideas - as always, please feel free to ignore them if they don't work for you. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Elinor
Some helpful advice our dietician gave us:
All food is morally equal
Right now your brain is starving and can’t make decisions about what is good for your body. When you have recovered you will be able to make a choice to be pescetarian/vegetarian/vegan but for now you need to eat what your caregiver puts on your plate.
Trust your instinct - your daughters eating disorder is trying to stay alive, it is causing her to deny purging. Do not trust what the eating disorder says ( this is not the same as not trusting your daughter)
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ValentinaGermania
I also would not allow cheerleading, that is a risky sport for ED.

RE driving, we have clear rules here for using the car and my d knows that she will lose the car key first if she is not compliant.
If you d is not trustable I would not give her the car keys. She is not only a risk for herself then but also for others.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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jobe
Sadly, she is not trustable. And she is sneaky. So I would not put it past her to write the auto manufacturer with a VIN number to get a key replacement for a "lost key" or something. She is super smart and will not be deterred if she wants something. She rearranges her room and somehow moves heavy furniture, bookcases, etc. and even brought a heavy upholstered chair up the stairway by herself one night. Someday, she will use her powers to change the world, I hope! So we won't even sign her up for driver's ed at this point. 

Her sister reports that last night after we went to be D binged on pancakes and cool whip and then purged. Her older sister feels complicit in that she bought the cool whip for her at her request. And that she is starting to obsess about her own eating now--feeling bad when she eats the wrong thing. We talked about that and ended up having a good conversation about a lot of things. I tell her this is not her problem, that her dad and I will deal with it. Thankfully, she will be off to college in the fall and out of the day to day chaos that is life with our younger D.

I weighed d yesterday and she is 112, up 4 lbs since last week. I don't understand how that's possible. I got her right as she was getting out of bed and made her use the toilet first, and she peed extensively and pooped, before being weighed (TMI, sorry).

Very eager to get to the doctor Friday and hoping that Seattle Children's ED unit does not have a wait.
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MKR
Hi @jobe ,

It breaks my heart to hear about this situation and I just pray  that in the end the recovery for all will bring you closer.  It has for many families (mine included, though unrelated to ED).

I can just add a practical note: the food most likely binged on and purged are ready-made high-carb items. Most probably because binges are often done in a rush, when the urge comes on.

It may help to stock mainly raw ingredients and cook every meal on the spot, or at least freeze a savoury dish. Not easy in practice, I know. And it won't stop your girl from buying such snacks. 

Bless your other daughter, she must have had the best intentions hoping any food might help feed.

Wishing you all the best, 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Torie
jobe wrote:
So we won't even sign her up for driver's ed at this point. 

I'm sure that is the right decision then.  She is your d, and you know her best. 

Thinking of you. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
jobe wrote:

I weighed d yesterday and she is 112, up 4 lbs since last week. I don't understand how that's possible.


Is she drinking a lot? That is called water loading here. It can be right before weighings or (in your case) through the days.
If not, that is weight gain! That would be a good sign!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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