F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Mungojerry
I'm back here again...
My daughter (11) has just started secondary school and she's struggling with the change. So she's using food as a coping mechanism again. All week I've been 'a bit maudsley' with her. Basically I've been sitting with her while she eats. She's frequently in tears.... we had a new excuse this morning - 'the food tastes wierd'. There's no way it tasted weird. It was Nutella on toast (her favourite). Just another excuse not to eat.

She's still a normal weight so I'm just trying my hardest with her. She has been skipping meals, and then secretly binging later on. So I'm trying to get her eating proper meals so the binging urge goes away. This worked for me personally when I had anorexia/bulimia.

The foods she will eat are extremely limited, but she's been like that since she was a toddler so that's not new.

I'm going to try and refer her to camhs, but as she's a normal weight I'm not sure they'll do anything....

Quote
Ronson
Hi

Sorry you are here. My d started her issues with the transition to secondary too. It sounds like you are doing everything right. We got treatment at camhs when d at normal weight based on her thoughts - so hopefully you will receive the same response x
Quote
Foodsupport_AUS
 Sorry that your daughter seems to have gone backwards. 

 I notice from your past posts that you and both your siblings have all had eating disorders, so  clearly the genes run strongly  in your family. 
It is important to remember and push with who ever you are looking for a referral from - to emphasise that an ED can occur at any weight and you can be extremely ill and of normal weight. 

Your plan of going a bit Maudsley and insisting on meals being eaten and having meal support sounds like a good one. Stopping skipping meals is very important, it is a known risk for development of binge eating, bulimia and anorexia. I hope you can find more support.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Quote
Mungojerry
Thanks for replying! I've made her an appointment to see the gp later today

I'm really hoping I can get this before things just get harder and harder.
My ed absolutely ruined my teenage life and I still struggle and it's been 20 yrs. I just need my daughter to be happy
Quote
Mungojerry
I've tried so hard all her life to get her to have a healthy relationship with food... I weaned her on homemade veg purée, I've always offered her nice things, not used food as a punishment or reward. When she was very little I let her eat intuitively. My own mum was the opposite and I vowed to be different! Maybe it's genetic, my cousin also had an ed and my brother, my sister and me :-(
Quote
Mungojerry
Thanks ronson

I hope this isn't my fault... I've always tried so hard with her!

I think she might be depressed as well. My depression started at her age... my son came to me crying this morning. He's 8, he said he doesn't want to grow up because he's scared he'll get depression! So I think she's been talking to him about it
Quote
scaredmom
It truly is NOT your fault. If your sister and brother and you and cousin have it... you know you did not make it happen on your own nor did you make it happen to your family. It is genetic. Transitions are hard for these kids and I think they feel more in control when they take it out on the eating. I find that my D did that. She is in grade 8 and feels that she has to be perfect on her homework so tries to eat less.

Glad you are seeing the doctor and hope they "get it". Foodsupport's comment on the  fact that ED can be there despite normal weight is a good one. So remember that if the GP says she is fine.


Wishing you the best.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
Mungojerry
Thankyou everyone! I took her to see the doctor and she's been referred to camhs drop in. It will mean she misses a morning of school once a week though, but it's important!

She left me a note this morning saying she doesn't like butter anymore! I ignored it and she told me her dad said she didn't have to eat butter! So I asked him, and he told me that he'd said 'talk to mum about it'!
Quote
tina72
They do try to trick you out against each other a lot of times so try to be on the same page with hubby and do not believe anything she said.
If I would have got an € for each thing my d said she will never ever eat again I would be rich now...[wink]
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
krae
Oh my D said she didn't like butter aswell but I slowly fry her chicken scnitzel dinner in a huge amount of butter and she eats it! Go figure she will not have butter on a sandwich. ED works in mysterious ways, we just have to work a little harder than ED.

Mungojerry I'm a single parent with no support and sometimes I think that is better as there is only one set of rules, other times it would be nice to have someone else take over.
Quote
Mungojerry
Had a chat with hubby, basically saying there is no negotiating with her at this stage.

After the initial freak out over butter, she actually did quite well with her breakfast! Finished within 15mins (yesterday took 45!)

I'm lucky she hasn't discovered purging (yet!)

Krae, hope you're ok, must be hard dealing with this alone :-(

When my sister moved in with me at the age of 13, it was awful. The ed was already entrenched, her weight was so low, and it took years to get her better. Had to call the police a few times because she ran away (usually because I wanted her to eat something!) and I couldn't chase after her because my husband was at work, and I had a baby and a toddler who I couldn't leave alone.
Quote
Mungojerry
Just wanted to add, my sister is doing really well now. She just graduated from Oxford uni with a first in pure maths!
Quote
scaredmom

Mungojerry,
I agree that you should not negotiate with ED. You know you need to take the bull by the horns. It is good that yo and H are a team and on the same page. 

As for your sister, that is amazing news. You should be so proud of her. And to get first in pure maths that is great.
Your sister and D are so lucky to have someone in their corners to help and love them every step of the way.
XXX 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
melstevUK
Hi Mungojerry,

You sound as if you have a handle on this and you will certainly understand what she is going through.  Yes, it is known now that there is a biological and genetic element to eating disorders now, which explains why so many in your family have been affected.

'So she's using food as a coping mechanism again.' 

I know this tends to be an accepted view of what is happening, but I believe that it is less conscious and more of an unconscious response to start restricting again when there is anxiety around.  Not eating alleviates anxiety which is why anorexic patients find themselves with this automatic response.  I would suggest that, even though your d is still young, that she needs to learn to eat even when it feels difficult, even when there are stressful situations, that she is 'wired' slightly differently and that her health and wellbeing depend on eating and having a nourished brain.  Her brain is more sensitive to a lack of nutrition and it needs to be kept well by eating.  

Also, be aware that through the teenage years your d will never be at a 'normal' weight in so far as her weight needs to keep increasing right into her twenties.  Weight gain and growth are ongoing and if there is a 'kickback' at any stage from the illness, it is usually an indication that more calories are needed.  

It will be a case of being vigilant, pushing forward, supporting and encouraging your d but keeping her normal life going.  
You have all done well and your sister's achievement is amazing, as is your own.

And also great that you and h are on the same page.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
Quote
Mungojerry
Good news, my daughter seems to have stopped crying at meal times!

I'm still supervising her and watching her like a hawk though. Yesterday I caught her trying to hide toast down the back of the sofa.

Something that seems to work is letting her watch telly while she eats.

I spoke to her about the importance of eating proper meals, in the context that it would help her stop binging. I told her she wasn't greedy or useless, just that when you don't eat your brain thinks you're starving and makes you binge.
Quote
tina72
Hey, that sounds great! Watching TV was/is a great distraction here too. Is not needed through the day any more but still for supper (eating in the evening was/is hardest for my d). Playing games works for many families, too.

I explained to my d that AN is kind of a diabetes disease and that is why she needs to keep her blood sugar level constant to avoid binging and to avoid those "shut downs". That worked pretty good as she realised she has a real disease and not only funny ideas in her head and that it is kind of a "normal" disease. She did not feel that guilty any more afterwards.

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
kkhrd
Mungojerry, 
I am amazed by your strength in the wake of all that you have been through!  Your sister and your daughter are so lucky to have you in their corner.  Please don't blame yourself for this horrible disease, it was nothing you did to create it.  For us it was my anxiety that was genetically passed down to both my children.  It first manifested in my daughter as sleep problems, and now the anorexia, exacerbated by her transition into high school, but was always there under the surface.  You are aware and on top of it, you have been through this before, and you know what to do...  you got this!
Quote
Mungojerry
Went to a camhs assessment this morning, waited half an hour and then it got cancelled!!! Next week now...

Also, things are getting better and she's suddenly grown a pair of boobs!!!! I swear she's taller as well! I've been making sure she eats for around 2 weeks now
Quote
tina72
Oh no, that is unbelievable! They were not able to phone you and cancel it in time? That is the minimum that we would expect...
Hurray for the boobs and that she seems to have grown and that she is eating at all!!!
2 weeks can make such a difference! Go, go, go! You are on the right path!

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Mungojerry
tina72 wrote:
Oh no, that is unbelievable! They were not able to phone you and cancel it in time? That is the minimum that we would expect...
Hurray for the boobs and that she seems to have grown and that she is eating at all!!!
2 weeks can make such a difference! Go, go, go! You are on the right path!

Tina72


Thanks! I'm really hoping we've nipped this in the bud because we've caught it early!
No, we arrived for camhs, waited half an hour and then got called to reception to say it's cancelled! Not happy!
Quote
deenl
I know how horrid it is to deal with all the stress, hopes and other emotions in the build up to an appointment. My son needed to dig very deep for the courage to go.

On the other side of things we were once the cause of the psychiatrist having to cancel a whole afternoon of appointments with no warning. Our son needed to see the pediatrician as his physical health was in a dangerous state. But he totally lost the plot and we had to frog march him to the psych next door. The situation continued to deteriorate and all other appointments were cancelled.

It is so difficult when our kids feel so uptight about visits that even a few minutes wait is unbearable for them, never mind a cancellation. In spite of my son cursing these normal occurrences and me, I would briefly remind him that it's normal and must mean that someone else had a greater need for the doctors time. Don't know that it made much difference at the time but I felt it important to at least try to emphasis 1. I understood and shared his frustration 2. our feelings were normal but so too are changes of plan 3. to model care and compassion for others.

I do hope this is a rare occurrence for you guys and future appointments go more smoothly. But you are doing really well yourself; keep going and hang in there.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
Mungojerry
Saw camhs today, she's been referred to tier 3 for assessment
Quote
kkhrd
what does that mean Mungojerry?

Quote
Ghost_Animator_Dab
Mungojerry wrote:
I'm back here again...
My daughter (11) has just started secondary school and she's struggling with the change. So she's using food as a coping mechanism again. All week I've been 'a bit maudsley' with her. Basically I've been sitting with her while she eats. She's frequently in tears.... we had a new excuse this morning - 'the food tastes wierd'. There's no way it tasted weird. It was Nutella on toast (her favourite). Just another excuse not to eat.

She's still a normal weight so I'm just trying my hardest with her. She has been skipping meals, and then secretly binging later on. So I'm trying to get her eating proper meals so the binging urge goes away. This worked for me personally when I had anorexia/bulimia.

The foods she will eat are extremely limited, but she's been like that since she was a toddler so that's not new.

I'm going to try and refer her to camhs, but as she's a normal weight I'm not sure they'll do anything....

its called stress eating now read a book or somthing 
x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3x3


Quote
Mungojerry
It means she should be seen within 4 weeks and will get a further in depth assessment. There are four tiers... four is when they're thinking of hospital (from what I understand from google!) however the lady we saw today said they're running behind and it'll be 2-3 months.

I've been fine today but now I feel totally drained. Had an argument with my husband about something stupid - my fish tank filter broke and he didn't want to buy a new one, saying the other one is sufficient (it isn't). Luckily I've managed to fix it.

Anyway I think I'm just filled with worry for my little girl. She said on a scale of 1-10 her mood was 3. Which makes me so upset and worried
Quote

        

WTadmin