F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Psycho_Mom
Hi All,

Well, I've gone through and deleted all the threads I started (from 2013 to present). I was going to delete all my posts on other threads too but how do I do that and should I? Actually I copied a lot of my threads to a file on my hard drive, so if anyone ever happens to want to read our journey, let me know.I think I may try and write some more blogs from them, which would be a much more organized way of getting the info and experiences of my posts into a readable format. 

Anyway, the point is...I guess the point is, I'm trying to get my d off this site. It's time. She's starting to want to read good info, and sooner or later she may find this site. She knows I participated in an anonymous online forum, but.....it would be better if she didn't stumble on my (sometimes distinctive) posts accidentally.

I'll continue to respond sometimes to posts, and ask stuff when I need to. And occasionally be obnoxious because OF COURSE more food is always better then less, duh. 

Frankly, it's taken about 5 hours to go through all my posts, and I am kinda stunned by reliving the terrible journey (which is not over natch.)

And by the breadth and depth of info and support provided by all of you. Truly, Ph.D grad students in Psych should be mining this forum for research study ideas. There is SO MUCH that has not been researched and that is simply vital to know!!!

Anyway now I'm tired and I have a cold and I'm stressed because my d is not here so I don't know if she's eating enough.......yada yada usual story.....

best wishes,


D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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Foodsupport_AUS
Unfortunately the only way to delete reply posts is to do it individually. 
If you start a thread, deleting your first post deletes the thread. I am hoping this is what you did, rather than going through. 

We will miss your D on the forum, but pleased to hear that you will still be here.

D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Mostly recovered 10 years later.  Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Kali
Psychomom that is a great place to be. I hope for continued good health for your d.,  and a fully involved life at college for her. And a great period of empty nesting where you get to focus on what you would like to do in your life! Because of you your d. has a bright future.

And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world—The Talmud

I like that saying; by saving your daughters life you have also saved all the descendants who will come after her.

Kali

Food=Love
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EB
I can hear that you are processing a fair few things all at once here.  The prospect of having what feels to many of us like a private space being invaded by those for whom our words and thoughts are not intended - strangers on the internet with strong differing opinions or those much closer to home who we desire to protect at all costs and who we think might not like to be confronted with our realities.  The need to have a clear-out, just in case of all kinds of eventualities and potential chickens come home to roost.  The context of continuing anxiety set up by caring for our very nearest and dearest who not only are not able to care for themselves for a while, but who also might view us trying to do so as a hostile act - especially if they hear us being egged on by a load of what they might view as loop-a-doop strangers online!

You ask about the threads you have not started, and "should" you go through all of those. "Should" is a word I shy away from after my time here - I only use it very sparingly these days.  So I am not going to answer directly, or suggest how you might call the decision, other than by pointing out a few things about deleting our posts (which is, BTW, everyone's right - we are all free to edit and/or delete anything that we have written on this forum). 

First, if we delete either our threads, or our contribution from someone else's, we can't help but affect the posts of others - those who have taken the time to respond to us, and those whose threads may lose context with missing pieces of the conversation.  That is not a reason not to do it, but it might be something to consider. 

Second, when we worry about non fellow caregivers reading our posts, it sometimes makes others wonder whether there is a reason for them to do likewise - is it somehow "wrong" or "shameful" to have found a space for ourselves where we have felt free to discuss a difficult but pressing problem in our own family with others experiencing the same as ourselves?  The "shame" factors of these illnesses have multiple threads.  If we feel that we might be "caught out" by others reading our words here, we may be helping to feed that shamed point of view - I know it is a whole lot more complex than that in practice - but just putting it out there, that there may be a point where making a stand for ourselves, and what we believe, and the reality that we live in, is an important factor to consider too.

The fact that our realities as parents and carers don't necessarily match with those of those who we are caring for, doesn't put us in the wrong or in a place where we can't discuss or acknowledge difference of opinion, even if that is not an easy conversation to be having. 

When my daughter was sick, she didn't agree (overtly at least) with many of my opinions - on the plan, on some of her behaviours, on the menu, or on a whole lot more.  I minded if she read here, tried to keep it secret, and tried to talk about the problems that I saw with her illness only without her in the room - I'm not sure whether to avoid the prospect of the conflict, or because I thought it might be counter productive, or just because I was too scared to even think about the potential consequences clearly.  At one point I did have a conversation with her about this forum (when I knew that she had read it) - acknowledged that it is public, that I couldn't stop her from reading, that she might not like what she saw here, but that I felt like it was a space for me, and that I would prefer she didn't read it - I don't know for sure whether she did or didn't read again, but she did respect the conversation and showed understanding for my point of view.  I was careful ever afterward not only not to give away her identity, but also not to say anything about anyone that was involved that I would not be prepared to say in front of them too.  Likewise with her treatment; instead of talking to the doctor about her and behind her back, I would let her know as we headed into each new appointment what I was concerned about and what I wanted her doctor to talk through with us.  It took me a while to figure out the how, and it scared me - always - how she would react, but it also helped us to shine a little sunlight on the situation too.

I hope I am not making you feel worse and more exhausted than you already do, just talking to you, and to anyone else reading, in case it helps anyone to decide how it is that they want to engage on the internet with the "strangers" here.  It seems to me that we are only here because we care enough about someone to want to learn and gain some confidence in a difficult and counter intuitive process - also of course to vent and cry on occasion - and to ask for help and hand-holding through making our plans.  Our purpose is to help support a person very dear to us through the process that will enable them to live a full life free from a miserable, life-sucking illness.  For most other illnesses, people would stand back and admire the strength and resilience and the love that is demonstrated by the members here on a daily basis.

Erica, UK
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HateEDwithApassion
Hi Psycho Mom,
As one who has learned so much from your posts and who's had my $%#& handed to me in a very good way when I wavered on what to do, I wish there was a way you could preserve your posts on this forum for others while preserving your anonymity. I do understand though the worry that your D will stumble upon them and know they are you. I hope you will allow the posts you made in response to others' postings to remain because you speak such wisdom and truth and your experience has been very valuable to me. Thank you!

I'm so pleased for you that it's time for you to take leave of this place. It's not without a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I know. Congratulations - but please know that you have been such a huge help to me that I hope some of the information you've shared, that I had the benefit of reading, can remain in some way.

Best wishes. I personally will miss your help. 

19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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bks76
Psychomom,

I absolutely understand your desire to help protect your daughter and her anonymity. I do hope you know that not only did you save your daughter, but your generous guidance and knowledge here were instrumental in helping me learn how to save my son. I'm sure there are many, many more caregivers around the world who say the same. There are no words profound enough to express my gratitude. While I don't "know" you, when I see my son so healthy and on such a great path to normal, I think of you. You are a life saver, literally.

I wish you and your daughter all the best. She's very lucky to have you in her corner, and we are very lucky to have had your advice and support. Thank you!!!
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cbmum
Psycho_Mom
I read your post two days ago and still don't know what to say.  In the short time I've been on this forum I've read (and received directly) so many wise words from you.  Of course you must do what you think best for you and your D, although I would be very, very sorry to see your words of wisdom lost to others.
Thanks for all your help, and best wishes to you and all your family.  Hope the cold's feeling better, too...
D, b.2002, diagnosed with depression, anxiety and EDNOS Spring/Summer 2016.
Some restricting, some vomiting, some self-harm for good measure.
FBT, CBT, now on 3rd type of anti-d's.
D is "cured" of the ED but still on low dose of anti-d's. Will I ever be cured?

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mamabear
Hi psychomom
You know I have mad respect for you. You and I are alike in many ways.
And I understand that we all have our unique situations. Specifically what state of recovery and what point in time we are at on this journey.

I have always pretty much been open with my D about this forum. I've never said the name of it but she knows that it was a critical piece to us saving her life. Has she looked here? I have no clue. Would she find me? Yeah I'm sure she would bc I call myself Mamabear all of the time.

In my situation I would have no issue with her reading anything I have posted. But 6 years in now and 3 years of complete solid recovery means she can handle the truth and the info. Frankly some day I would like her to read it all.... to see what the daily grind was for all of us... to give her perspective and to remind her that we don't ever want to go back to that hell. And to show her further evidence of her strength. Some day when she is an adult and even a mom I think it will be incredibly powerful for her to read it through my eyes and soul.

I had a colonoscopy this am ( normal thank god. I have been really sick with colitis). I've lost about 13 lbs thus far. Yesterday I couldn't eat and had to drink all sorts of laxative liquids. D was so concerned about me. I offered to make her and her friends French toast etc and she said " Oh mom isn't that torture for you? You have got to be starving." Then last night she said " A tip for you. Using a straw makes large ammounts easier to drink. I should know." Lol

So hope to still see you around here. I'm on here about 1% of what I used to be.... you have helped so many others. I hope you can take care of you.
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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Francie
Best wishes to you, PsychoMom. So glad you and your family and your D can now move on. Thank you for all the help you've provided. I have read the postings you've done for other people and I"m so glad to have had your wisdom. All best wishes for good health and happiness for you and yours. XO

Francie

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mjkz
Psychomom, I had a sinking feeling when I read the title.  I could not agree more with ED and mamabear.  What makes this forum so useful is being able to find someone who has a similar situation and being able to follow his/her time line and glean wisdom through his/her posts.  You have a lot of good stuff to say and a lot of wisdom. It would be a shame to lose that.
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momon
Hi Psychofriend,

I see you are still on here helping people out. Thank you! Your views and experience and attitude are still just as powerful help.


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