F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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pricie
When supervising meals, my D will eat ok with minimal anorexic behaviours for some meals then WHOA the next meal or snack is a real mission with tears and refusing to eat.
The anorexic behaviours are really bad after a visit to ICAHMS when she is weighed and has gained weight and of course I get this but what is with eating ok for breakfast but not morning tea etc?
If you are going through hell, keep going. 
           Winston Churchill
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edhater
In recovery, my RAN daughter told me that breakfast was hard when she was ill. She explained that breakfast was hard because it was at least twice the calories that she would eat in an entire day when she was restricting. That being said, every other meal and snack that day seemed like way way way too much to that monster voice in her head. She said she felt like such a failure having overdone her intake (in her ill mind) by so many calories by 7 am. She was beyond overwhelmed as the day went on and the meals and snacks kept coming. Maybe it's a similar ED logic for your daughter. Please know that 18 months later, she gets up feeds herself a caloric breakfast on her own without a care. It does get better. Keep feeding.
Food is medicine... one mouthful at a time.
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Enn

I did find after doctor or the ED team appointments, that D would be very upset. We kept things safe and easy on those days. I learned after d tried to jump out of the car that we could not do both the ED team and the doctor on the same day. 

What I have found with ED, is that the only constant was the day to day  inconsistency. 
There was no rhyme or reason for the days. I always wondered about other stressors like school or friend stuff causing her anxiety and she would then take it out on her food.  Just keep pushing through. It really is not logical just handle each situation as it requires in the moment. Sending strength! It is not just hard it is gruelling!

 

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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workingthrough
In the beginning, for us, every meal was bad (horrible, awful, nightmare like most here have lived through). Then, we slowly saw that some meals were okay. We bounced from meal to meal like that and then slowly, we’d have a couple good meals together. In time, we’d have a good week, and then good couple weeks, etc. It just took time for us. 

Like your d, s struggled after appts. Also struggled when he had an activity with friends coming up, going out, etc. It just took time. Lots of time. We’re at about a year right now and we seem to have good weeks with maybe one hard meal a week. He’ll try to cut corners sometimes, etc. but not all-out anger like the beginning. I’m not sure how the timeline works for all, but that’s what we’ve noticed. 

It’s the hardest thing. You’re doing amazing. 
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ValentinaGermania
If it is hard after weighings, have you thought about trying to weigh her blind and not let her know what weight she is and that she has gained for some time x?
Try to mark a calendar to see if there is a routine (always same time it is difficult, always after xy it is difficult) and if you can change something in that routine to make it better.
Here evening meals were hardest and we started to eat in front of TV (a no go before AN) and that made it much better. We still do that today 🙂...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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pricie
Thank you so much, this is really helpful. I’m guessing with FBT you can tweek it to suit your own situation. I hadn’t considered eating in front of tv.
if D eats most of what is on her plate, how important is it to keep pushing for her to eat everything?  Sometimes I feel she has eaten well but might leave 2-3 mouthfuls and I am always pushing for 1 more mouthful. Is this what I should be doing? This then turns into tears and strong AN thoughts and behaviour.
If you are going through hell, keep going. 
           Winston Churchill
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Enn
Some have allowed them to leave a few bites and some have insisted on eating the last few bites. I did the latter. If she eating and gaining that may be the best at this time and over time you may tackle the last bites. 
I always felt that the last bite was ED (there is a saying that ED lives in the last bite), so I tried to get it all in.
I understand the tears, and what I found helpful is to know that you cannot save them from the distress they feel. They have to feel it and really there is no harm done with crying it is ‘only’ food and part of exposure therapy to learn over and over that food is not hurting her. There is, somewhere and link to a good distress tolerance list of thing for you and her, to find some tools to manage the discomfort of the situation. I think sk8r31 has a good link of that... try to search it and I will try to find it too and post, or someone else may post it. 
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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sk8r31
It truly is agonizing watching our loved ones go through the distress of eating what is necessary to become nutritionally rehabilitated.  Here is a link to the distress tolerance handout that scaredmom mentioned.  
It is important that you also take care of yourself, in order to be strong both physically and mentally to help your d.  Do whatever you are able to, even just for a few minutes daily, to recharge your batteries.
Sending warm support.
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Kidster
I get the stress that CAMHS causes - we have the build up before and the fall out after. Whether weight is lost or gained it’s a negative event. Talked to daughter about doing blind weigh ins and she said that the psych consultant said it was best for her to know. I’m really not sure it helps her to know as whatever the number she views it negatively. Any thoughts?

I agree about the distress tolerance, someone went through an exercise with D to show her that distress is temporary and to persist with what’s causing it (eating) but it’s horrible to watch. Also agree about time for yourself being important. Have realised I haven’t seen any of my friends since all this started which is not good. Feel like a robot most days. Have restarted running for some headspace only to be told by the ED monster that I made everything worse by daring to exercise. 
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Kidster
Also meant to say that breakfast seems to be a massive hurdle for us. Took a while to wrestle control from D and I think she just views it as the first of a long list of calories to eat each day and finds it overwhelming. I dread it, more so than other meals
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Enn
Hi kidster a formal welcome to you!
You asked above about blind vs open weighing. In the FBT protocol open weighing is done as just as we expose to food we expose and help them tolerate the distress of the weight. I used to believe that blind weights were the way to go but I have softened my view now. I think either are ok at different times. If you feel that she would be less stressed with blind weights why not try for a bit and see how it goes. We have done both and my d doesn’t seem to care much either way. 
This is a very passionate topic on the forum. 
I will find some threads for you too. 
I really think you should go with your gut and also know that if one thing does not work now it may later. 
Sending my best.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Enn
https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/blind-or-not-blind-weigh-9846934?highlight=blind&pid=1305441671
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Kidster
Thanks for the link - can’t decide what is best but as you say different things work at different times so may just try blind and see what happens. 
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