F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Salee

D had an assessment today. She’s put on 1kg which is all the weight lost plus 300g!
However she has been offered a place which we have to decide about by Friday. She was devastated when we left crying, don’t send me etc. Now she is fine singing, wanting chips for the first time in forever for tea?! I’m confused by her attitude and don’t know if it’s a kick up the bum she needs to get better and not. 

If it wasn’t Christmas soon I think it would be easier to say go but this is such an awful time to send her away! 

Which way do we turn??!!

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sandie
Great about the weight gain. Difficult as it is, I would probably try to ignore the Christmas issue and think about whether your D needs a higher level of care. What were the reasons why the place was offered? 
Is it a bed for medical stabilisation/ short stay or is it a residential bed? 
Xx
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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Salee

Residential bed. She’s medically stable, but stuck with foods that she’s safe with and struggling to add to her intake. She’s not in school due to the anxiety it causes added Ed issues when we tried it. 

 

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mid73
I would agree don’t let Christmas influence either way. My daughter was admitted in December when we were fighting this horrid illness the first time. As she complied with the regime there virtually from day one, and on that basis, she was allowed 4 days of home leave over Christmas on the understanding that she complied with the meal plan at home. If she couldn’t comply it would have been in the car and straight back to the unit. 

Its such a tough decision. Be wary that they will promise the earth to avoid going in to hospital but once the threat is removed it’s very hard to keep the momentum up especially if refeeding and weight gain is proving very difficult. 

And once admitted. They will plead and promise the earth again to come home. 
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Enn

My perspective is this:

At the beginning ALL holidays are terrible. 
IF she is home and not well, it will be too stressful and you will not have nice Christmas at all.
If she is not at home, Christmas will not be good, BUT she will be safe and she will be getting her medicine and you can still see her and spend time that does not include food. AND you can make it a peaceful day. I don't recall if you have other children. 
For this holiday season I say take it slowly and do not have too high expectations. It is only but a few days and it will be so amazing in the future. 
IF she needed chemo over Christmas you would do it.  I now we use the cancer analogy a lot but it does help to gain perspective on this illness for me. 

Take Christmas out of the equation and see where your mind settles.




When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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mjkz
This is a brief reprieve.  Ed thinks it can con you into saying no to the bed and then things will go right back to where they were before.  Take the bed.  Christmas may have to be a little bit different this year but if she is stuck and Christmas is the only thing holding you back, take the bed.
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melstevUK
It is rare to be offered a bed in a specialist unit - take it.  Christmas was always going to be a nightmare this year - keep her safe and let the rest of the family breathe.  You can always visit her.  She will benefit from seeing how seriously ill she is, and how her illness is taking things she loves away from her.  That realisation may help her start turning things around.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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ValentinaGermania
I also think that she is a good actor and wants to get you to refuse the bed just to continue all on Saturday when that bed is gone.
Take it. If there is really a magical turn around now she can proof that in IP too and be home again until Christmas. But I would be surprised if that is the case.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Another vote for taking the bed.  That is your best shot at an improved situation for Christmas.  I cannot think of anyone who has said, "I wish I had turned down the bed,"  but many have regretted having turned one down.  And like the others have said, if there is a magical recovery, they will be pleased to send her on and give the bed to someone else.  A bed is a precious thing, and it is hard to imagine one being offered when it is not needed. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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CED123
I would also say take the bed. not that I can talk about outcomes yet but it has become clear that what we had been doing was an ok job of clinging on for months but really my D is iller than we realised. it was masked by living with the anorexia and a set safe food diet - but no progress.  and think there is no way we could progress at home.  Perhaps be prepared though for your D to get worse to start with as she loses some of the crutches of home.

Our IP head thinks that FBT was/is never going to work with our D and she needs a different approach. Maybe your D is in the same camp?
Currently no light; only tunnel 🙁
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Enn
Hi Salee,
Just reaching out. Just checking in on how it is going on your end.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Salee

We spent so much time going backwards and forwards about what to do! 

Maybe our hearts overruled our heads but we decided one more try at home.
She really rallied round when she knew where she would be heading if things didn’t improve. She put on 800g at last weigh in and was disappointed it wasn’t more!
Im not naive, I know we have to take it a day at a time and keep expectations to a minimum but we have her with us at Christmas and if things don’t work out we will hold our hands up and ask for the help.
Keeping everything crossed 🤞🏻🤞🏻

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Enn
That is a good update. keep on going! This is the way through.
I know you will stay vigilant.
Having back up plans are essential on the ED world then you are ready and armed!
Well done this week! Happy for you!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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sandie
Great that this realisation that residential a very real option has motivated her. At one point we were offered a visit to a residential unit as a motivation also as well as an opportunity to learn about how they set routine up so we could get ideas for home. At the time, we did not take up offer as not at right time for us. If that your was available to you, perhaps it would strengthen the motivation.....
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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MKR
Hi @Salee,

🤞🤞🤞🤞

❤❤❤❤
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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MKR
I hope you find time to cook and freeze a lot of extra food as a back up.

Just in case of any flying saucers... I am sure there won't be any!  But Christmas is a long time being in each other's faces. And is a time to have fun, fun, fun.

All the best, 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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melstevUK
That is good news Salee.  Maybe that was the wakeup call your d needed.

The first step is stopping the weight loss, the next step is holding weight the same - the last step is getting weight going on.  You have achieved that last step and often that is all that is needed to start the momentum of weight gain.  Just stay calm and focused and remind her that IP is still on the table if she cannot manage to cooperate and eat at home. 
I am very glad for you.  

 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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MKR
Yes, make it absolutely clear to your daughter that she MUST show compliance at all times.

Otherwise, I am a softie, and I would have kept her home and worn it.

I had a similar issue last Christmas, which ended in success. 
We had family from overseas over and were about to travel around the country in a campervan.  Yes, you heard me!  Campervan! As in: cramper-van. 5 people + ED = very crowded. Well, we were going to leave our D behind with her dad. Entire family came down on me like a ton of bricks, how cruel can I be to isolate her, once in a lifetime family time etc etc. She begged and begged. I decided that she should come along, and warned everyone else. So guess what? Only two meltdowns in 10 days. One at the very beginning and one at the very end. Her dad came to visit us from time to time. We all had fun, she bonded with the wider family, my rellies were the "good cops" and I was content with being the "bad cop".  But there was always that possibility of taking her back home. I only packed her bag a couple of times to take her back and she finished her meals or stopped silly exercise when she saw I meant business. 

So... fingers crossed for all of you again!  You will make it!!

❤❤
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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