F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

So what is your opinion?

Dealing with ED recovery in addition to "normal" teenage issues, I struggle with how much to let D get a way. I know if we weren't dealing with ED I would be less submissive.

My current issue is regarding posts on Instagram. My D doesn't post that often and she uses snapchat way more (which I can't see what picture she sends anyway!) But recently she posted a full bikini picture of herself with a friend. And I know her friends are posting these pictures too so the pictures are "out there" regardless what I say. In the past I had told her no bikini pictures I don't think it's appropriate. But it's been a few years and she says, it's not a big deal, she's older now, yada, yada, yada. I didn't make her take it down, just reminded her I don't like it. I know so many kids are posting pictures like this, and she wants to fit in, so I'm just "picking my battles" and letting it go. Any thoughts?

Hi there,
maybe you can get her with that:
a lot of landlords and employers do google their new tenants or employees today with theses apps and does she want her boss in future know how she looks in a bikini?
Does she want that everybody on her future working place knows that and show theses pictures around? These pictures will stay in the internet forever and she will not get them out again later in her life.
And does she know that she gives away the rights on that picture in that case and that instagramm could sell it for example to a magazine and they can use it without asking her? And not even for "nice" magazins with fashion but even for sex magazins? Does she know these pictures of teenagers in underwear go around between pedophils?
No underwear pictures, no bikini pictures. If you want that, you might be hard with it.
Maybe you need to talk to the teacher or the other parents about that. They may not know what is going around.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
In the past I had told her no bikini pictures I don't think it's appropriate. But it's been a few years and she says, it's not a big deal, she's older now, yada, yada, yada. I didn't make her take it down, just reminded her I don't like it. I know so many kids are posting pictures like this, and she wants to fit in, so I'm just "picking my battles" and letting it go. Any thoughts?

I guess the question that comes to my mind is why do you let her wear a bikini if you are opposed to her having pictures of herself in one?  I don't see posting those pictures as any different than letting her wear a bikini in public.  If she can wear one in public, then I think you have to live with the pics.
hopefulyetscared wrote:
[I] reminded her I don't like it. 

That's important.  Even though they would never admit that we know anything (about anything), our opinions DO matter to them.  Even if they push back and rebel in the moment, they do absorb many of our opinions in the long haul.  
Great question you pose.  xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Hi mjkz,
although I love your advices normally I think it is not the same posting a bikini photo in the internet and wearing a bikini in public in a swim center for example.
In the internet the pictures last and you have not much control where they go and who sees them.
There must be a cause why hopefulyetscared doesn´t want her to post such pictures and I am not sure wether it is just because of ED or generally.
Many girls here posted underwear pictures and regreted that later. I think they don´t really know what they do.
Some did even send naked pictures to their boyfriends...and what is with that pictures when the friendship gets apart? No one is thinking about that...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey Tina.  I see a big difference between posting things in your underwear or even naked (God forbid) for the reasons that you list.  I guess I don't see much difference in a swim suit because anyone could snap a picture of you at a public place in the bikini and post it.  I totally agree with all the reasons not to post them and quite frankly I won't even wear one just for those reasons.  Not many people show up in public nude or in their underwear so those that get pics on the internet that way usually have had someone else take them or had their phone/electronics hacked so it is a huge invasion of privacy.

I guess I feel the same way about tattoos and piercings.  I keep reminding my daughter than you rarely see a professional person with tattoos or piercings all over their body (visible) so keep that in mind if you choose to do that.  The things we do at that age that seem to make sense until later in life.....
Thank you all for your thoughts.

@tina72, I agree with your comments. And I wish my 15 yo would think about pictures of her in the future on the internet. But as so many teenagers do she is living in the moment. And truly these pictures aren't scandalous. She isn't in her bra and underwear or posing in such a way. I don't see them as harmful. I would just like her to be more modest when posting pictures. Obviously, girls post pictures to read all the comments and see all the likes. (I just don't get it.) And in general I don't like to let her do things just because everyone else is doing it. But because we are dealing with ED, body image is a taboo subject. On one hand I am glad she seems to like her body but on the other hand I know how important to maintain a certain look is to her. I try not to talk about her body EVER. So it becomes tricky when commenting on pictures. She says I shouldn't body shame her. Why does it make me uncomfortable? She also like to walk around the house in a sports bra. That use to bother me too. Now I just tell her she needs a shirt on when we eat dinner or if people are over and I try not to draw attention to it. Although my husband will make comments and again she turns it around to why is he body shaming her, she's not naked. 

@mjkxz, I understand your comments, but I see a difference in wearing a bikini when appropriate at a pool or beach. And you are right, we can't control what pictures other people post but she is in control of what she posts. 

@Tori, I like your advice. Although she doesn't NEED my approval she does LIKE it when she has it!

Teenage years are challenging, adding ED just makes it more complicated. 

Thanks again, for all your thoughts.

I guess for me it's all about what the pic looks like.  It it was a picture in a bikini with a friend and they were clearly having fun on a beach on holiday, I would probably let that go.  If there was anything at all provocative and it looked as if she was deliberately posing in a sexual way, I would be uncomfortable about it.  

I don't like snapchat personally - I don't see why anyone should be seeking to post photos on public networks - when you can post on Facebook and share with friends alone. I don't understand why people are posting anything with the aim of trying to reach as many viewers, and people you don't know.  I am know I am behind the times with social media but if my own daughter was posting pictures of herself like this - I would at least be asking why she felt a need to do this.

Tina72 makes some good points about losing any control of those pictures once they are out in the public domain.  And for sure - teenagers rarely think through the consequences of many of their actions.

Maybe you can have a conversation without openly criticising your d initially.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
I had a very nice conversation/discussion about that with my d last evening. She is nearly adult now and seem to see that different but still seriuos.

She said that it is a difference between bikini and underwear/naked pictures and that the main thing is the posing. If she is not posing and it is just a normal picture,it is o.k. I understood that difference.

The big question ist: does your d know the difference and does she see the dangers? If she does, so we might need to accept that as a modern way of communication. If not, I think we should want to see these pictures now and than to check if that is o.k.

We often think we cannot do anything against something but I think we have nearly the same possibilities as our parents had. We just need to use them and dare to do something and set borders. We try to be best friends with our kids but a mother is a mother and not a teenage friend.

So thank you for that post, I had an interesting evening and learned a lot!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
In today's day and age if your daughter wears a bikini to any public place, she is already on the internet.  People take pictures of their entire lives minute by minute and post them online so I can pretty much guarantee she is already out there even if it is just in the background of another person's photo.  You can have no expectations of privacy once you leave your front door.