F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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ZiggyStardust
Hi
My 16- nearly 17- year old DD is a restrictive-type anorexic. We're making lots of rookie mistakes and the disease is winning. I may not be happy to be here but I'm glad and grateful that this forum exists. 
ZiggyStardust[comp]
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Pingu
Hi ziggy
I knowntotally what you mean
I’m based in the uk too and am fairly new on this site.
What I have found is understanding and endless support . Anorexia is a pain the you know where but we are where we are .
My d is 14 and is 6 weeks into a 19 week admission at IP.
I really remember those dark days though when all I seemed to do was negotiate with the ED and battle over everything
We’re all here to hold your hand

Michelle
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scaredmom

HI ZiggyStardust,
I welcome you to the club. We do understand how do don't wish to be here, we really do!

And I am glad you are here. I hope that you find the support you need to help you with your child. This forum was truly a lifesaver for me so that I could help my D.
So tell us, what can we help you with? What are you struggling with? Is your D eating and gaining and what type of support do you have both professional and personal.
There is always someone who has literally been in your shoes, so ask away.
We are all ears and we want to help.
We all share our experiences in order to give back, pay it forward, make it easier for those who come after us. Please let us help.
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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teecee
Welcome from the north of England. My AN D is the same age as yours. She was diagnosed in Feb. It will get better - believe that. Initially during the shock you feel like it never will but just as fast as AN came in to your lives your journey will twist and turn quicker than you realise and hopefully it will get firmly booted out of your home.
Eva MUSBYs book was a life saviour for us...I highly recommend it as you can dip in and out of relevant sections. Ask away and questions or just vent. We all understand how you feel, which makes you feel less alone.
Virtual hugs xxx
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Pingu
Teece
Where in the north are you?
I’m wakefield west yorks
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tina72
Hi ZiggyStardust,

a very warm welcom from Germany from another David Bowie fan (I think that is why you choose that nickname)!
Sorry that you have to be here. My d has also RAN. She is nearly 19 now. She was diagnosed in January 2017 and we are doing FBT and she is completely back and a happy young woman now doing her first steps in University now. So recovery is possible, FBT is the secret and you are on the very best place here. This forum saved my ds life and my sanity.

We can help you a lot. We know what you are talking about and we have been in your shoes. So ask, ask, ask. We are open 24/7, there are always nice parents from all over the world giving you wonderful tips and advices. Read and learn and use what fits for your family.
It is not easy and refeeding is hard but it is worth every fight. My d is weight restorated for 16 months now, maintaining her weight with no problems (but still a little help now and then). Nearly all ED behaviour is gone, she is eating all she ate before ED moved in, so no fear food left. She eats with appetite and enjoys food again. Your d will come there, too. 

With which "rookie mistakes" can we help you? We do not call it mistakes here, we call it experiences and learning. It is a lot of try and error in treating this disease...

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ZiggyStardust
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the welcome. DD was diagnosed early March. She has so much stuff going on that anorexia just kind of slipped in- like a really bad Ocado freebie. DD has a chronic pain condition (4 years duration and no real end in sight), clinical depression diagnosed a few months after the pain started (duh- she's in pain) and finally .....restrictive anorexia. She has a new shrink as of last week as we were fed up with her old one who just handed her prescriptions and didn't attempt anything as therapeutic as 'How do you feel?'. She has an ED therapist and dietician and about to start FBT. All private.
I am a mass of stress. DH isn't exactly helpful. I have to keep reminding him which clinician does what and what their names are. He has actually met all of them but the new shrink. He's really hostile and isn't picking up hints/body language/death stare when he does things like raise his voice that DD is eating too slowly (not sure why he cares as he's watching whatever sport on his phone while we eat anyway). Private treatment is costing a fortune and I dread to think what would happen if DD needed in-patient. DH went from a very well paid job to pissing about with a start up. No insurance. Excellent timing. He actually told me when she was diagnosed that the anorexia must be my fault and that I'm a bad mother. Those words passed his lips.
I'm just really tired of well meaning (crap) advice from friends. I'm exhausted carrying this alone. I need to help DD without feeling like DH is a stumbling block. Hoping FBT will help. 
Meanwhile, DD still losing weight and she's just too sneaky for the lunch supervision arrangements at school. I'll be doing 90 min round trip every day from Monday to feed her. School has actually been fantastic but they are no match for a very, very clever girl possessed with this demon. I almost admire her ingenuity.
DD is genuinely terrified by this. She actually shopped herself as she's very slim and it wasn't obvious that she was losing weight at first. She realised that she couldn't stop and needed help. So, kudos to DD. 
Sorry that this is long. Needed to vent without somebody suggesting that it might be..... (fill in the blanks with latest bollocks from The Gruniad).
BTW- I look completely functional from the outside which may be part of the problem. 
Thanks
ZiggyStardust[comp]
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tina72
Please NEVER apologize for venting and for long posts. THIS is the only place we can do that and we are lucky to have it.

First idea: you need help. Is there anybody besides hubby you could ask (neighbors, friends, family)? Not for help with refeeding, but for help with all other things (cooking, grocery, cutting the lawn, doing laundry)? You need a break and a friend for a coffee.

Second: if hubby is not helpful at mealtimes then seperate for that. He can eat in the kitchen (or elsewhere or later). Your d needs a peaceful and encouraging surrounding.

"He actually told me when she was diagnosed that the anorexia must be my fault and that I'm a bad mother. Those words passed his lips."

I do not know if I could ever forget that. But what I can tell you is that this is completely bullshit and not a single bit truth in it. Anorexia is a genetic biochemical brain disease. You did not cause it and you are SURELY no bad mom or we all here are.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Pingu
Wow hun your going through a lot xx
Have CAMHS been involved? I know they’re not always great but a good start?
Your hubby sounds quite angry//frustrated does he accept the diagnosis ?

Some dads seem to think it’s attentoon seeking which does not help.

What stage are you at with your d and how is she ? Sounds like she accepts things are out of control xx
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ZiggyStardust
Thanks, Tina. I have lovely friends but they want to 'help' and I need to be firmer that I want them to listen. Then again, I'm lucky that they are still my friends because being anorexic's mum has made my topics of conversation really limited. 'Seen any good plays?' 'Nope, but DD ate half a chicken breast last night and it only took an hour.' Had to let the housekeeper go when DH decided to recreate his seat-of-the-pants entrepreneurial youth minus the health insurance. 

I'm trying to keep the uneasy peace with DH until we start FBT. He keeps complaining that he feels excluded but he doesn't know that DD has absolutely refused to have him in sessions because he's so hostile. 
ZiggyStardust[comp]
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tina72
What does that mean "until we start FBT"? FBT means that you are in charge for food intake and you can start that today...
Do you wait for an appointment? When will it be?

"Then again, I'm lucky that they are still my friends because being anorexic's mum has made my topics of conversation really limited. 'Seen any good plays?' 'Nope, but DD ate half a chicken breast last night and it only took an hour.'"

Haha, you are totally right with that!
If there are real friends make them read Eva Musbys book and Carrie Arnolds "Decoding Anorexia". And then tell them exactly what help you need. A lot of friends and family members want to help but do not know how.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ZiggyStardust
Hi Pingu, We bypassed CAMHS. We caught DD before she dropped to the sort of BMI that would have triggered help around us (I've joined a mums' group and the NHS stories are hair-raising. Can't vent some stuff to them because it's people who know DH and me socially). We already had a private shrink so just went with her recommendations. 
DD is still at refeeding. We stupidly saw some progress, mistook it for stability and the cycle began again.
ZiggyStardust[comp]
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Pingu
Il be honest I thought CAMH were a waste of time but they spring boarded us to riverdale where Ciara is at the moment . There’s so much therapy needed that I would dread the private cost . I don’t know but it may help to ask gp for ref- our CAMHS treated ED aa high risk so saw her within the week. I am the pain in the ass parent though so I “advocated “ for her well
It’s so hard Cos you think things are going well then it slaps you in the face
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ZiggyStardust
Hi Tina, Am I using the wrong words? The new shrink is referring us for FBT. Just had that convo a couple of days ago so should be in front of that therapist in a few weeks. 
I love the idea of forcing my friends to read that. I'd settle for just having a mani/pedi with someone who doesn't say 'Well, DD doesn't look THAT thin'. Because I'm so tempted to reply ' DD had body hair. Actual fur. But thanks for the compliment.'
ZiggyStardust[comp]
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tina72
ZiggyStardust wrote:
Hi Tina, Am I using the wrong words? The new shrink is referring us for FBT. Just had that convo a couple of days ago so should be in front of that therapist in a few weeks. 


No, you did not use wrong words. What I wanted to say is that FBT means you are doing refeeding at home and the FBT therapist will guide you a bit on this journey but in the end it is you doing the work with refeeding at home. So most things I needed to learn I learned here from other parents...
If you see the FBT therapist "in a few weeks" that is a lot of time for your d to go further down the rabbit hole and for ED to get stronger. Do not wait for anything. Refeeding can start tomorrow. There is no need to wait one single day more. The longer you wait the harder it gets. Tell her you are doing FBT now and she is out of the kitchen and you are in charge for meals. Serve 3 meals and 2-3 snacks, plate them and put the food in front of her and encourage her calmly and with love to eat it (watch Eva Musbys videos on Youtube before).

ZiggyStardust wrote:
I love the idea of forcing my friends to read that. I'd settle for just having a mani/pedi with someone who doesn't say 'Well, DD doesn't look THAT thin'. Because I'm so tempted to reply ' DD had body hair. Actual fur. But thanks for the compliment.'


If that is the avarage of friends than leave it. I have only one friend left but she is the one who got it and was a huge help for me. All other friends and family blamed us for ds anorexia and for doing FBT instead of oldfashioned german IP treatment. That is sad but a lot of people here had that experience.
But I found new friends here!
Do you have siblings or a MIL that could help?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Mcmum
Hi from me too. Yes to the fur....! You know life is taking a downward turn when your child turns furry don't you??? I think quite a few people - myself included have had difficulty getting those around us on the same book let alone the same page. Here is a good place to vent though and more expertise than most medics.
Welcome anyway....and here's to better days ahead x
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teecee
Pingu I am in Pontefract....down the road.
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Torie
What Tina said.

The sooner you start refeeding, the sooner you will all be through this hellish journey.  It is hard (so hard!), but with FBT, the parents always do the heavy lifting.

Please feel free to ask all the questions you like. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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deenl
tina72 wrote:
What does that mean "until we start FBT"? FBT means that you are in charge for food intake and you can start that today...
Do you wait for an appointment? When will it be?


Actually, Tina, FBT (Family Based therapy Edit: [frown] should be Family Based Treatment Sorry!) is a specific treatment protocol developed in the Maudsley hospital in London and formalised in a manual by Daniel LeGrange and James Lock. Only specifically trained therapists (like Roslyn Hopf) can provide FBT. If you are not working with a FBT trained therapist then a description like family led therapy is probably more accurate.

However, almost everyone casually uses the term FBT for any form of refeeding lead by the parents.

Hugs,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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debra18
Welcome. We have all been through this terrible situation. But it does get better. I think we should come up with a new name for the refeeding without an fbt therapist so it wouldn't be so confusing. It's really not therapy. The kids don't need therapy usually. Maybe call if parent guided refeeding.
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Pingu
Teece
Oh ny giddy aunt you are sooo close can’t beleive it
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teecee
CAMHS in my neck of the woods call it Family Based Treatment (refeeding at home) which is confusing as people do get it mixed up with Family Based Therapy .... I suspect this is what they will mean...you get regular appointments to discuss and support the work you are doing at home including seeing a Dietician, Family Therapist and possibly Pschologist amongst other things....
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teecee
Pingu I think there are more than we realise on this site either posting or lurking. This disease is far more rife than I ever believed. Anyway, howdie neighbour 😀
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Torie
debra18 wrote:
I think we should come up with a new name for the refeeding without an fbt therapist so it wouldn't be so confusing. It's really not therapy. The kids don't need therapy usually. Maybe call if parent guided refeeding.


That is such a great idea.  Or maybe FBTWT (Family Based Treatment Without Therapist).  It really would be great to have a name for this.  And also. for when you DO have a therapist but not official FBT therapist.  (Which doesn't work with my suggestion of FBTWT) xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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deenl
[thumb]

Good idea, Torie

2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote

        

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