F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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trusttheprocessUSA
After 6 years of remission my 18 yr old son who will graduate from high school on June 13 decided he wanted to get ready for beach week. I watched - he ate, laid in the sun and did a gym routine for 1 hour 4x per week. Beach and other males without shirts is his huge trigger so I was chatting that up not noticing the relapse started way before the beach. This past Sunday he had his bathing suit on and I noticed it was big on him when it fit last time I saw him in it. To the scales - yep hes down 8lbs. I was shocked - I've been wondering if he is eating his entire lunch....

So no gym and extra 16 oz glass of whole milk at night added to his regular 3 meals and 1 snack. He is so angry with me - it breaks my heart that he is such a lovely caring son and now hates me and will not come out of his room or participate. Its just been 3 days but I am a wreck. I cannot believe I missed this. Any Advice?
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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EC_Mom
I'm so sorry to read this, and have no advice. But it is a good warning to me and others who are not that far along that vigilance must remain for a long time. You've done it before, you can do it again. I hope his orthostatic bp is ok.

You're a hero, and you have helped me on this board before (under another name). I will be watching for updates and cheering you on.
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trusttheprocessUSA
Thank you EC_Mom - your words have helped me - I've done it before and can do it again. I am assuming his Orthostatic BP is ok. He had an extra 3-4lbs when he started this beach week prep. I cannot believe how my body has gone back to that place of terror so quickly. He is eating everything I give him at home and I know he doesn't want to return to treatment. Maybe these things will help shut down his relapse - god I hope so. 
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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skechers
This sucks and I'm sorry for you, but you've got this and it will likely be just a quick blip. I understand the return of terror and horrible feeling you describe, and having your son hate you for just helping, but the good news is that he is eating and will likely put that weight back on and be back on track in no time. We always blame ourselves for not seeing a problem before it hits. It's a waste of time and we've all done it. Just forge ahead, solve the problem, and get back to normal again.
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trusttheprocessUSA
skechers  - thank you so much - your words of encouragement are so comforting. I know blame is a waste of energy. Its just amazing how I could not see what was in front of me. He has been doing so well for so long - a few adjustments to life that allow him to be normal but mostly just wonderful. 

It is the beach week that triggered this - that is his trigger the biggest one he has.  I don't see it because we only go to the beach once a year and he manages. But the idea of going with friends (including girls) sent him over the edge. 

Thank you again, you have fortified me.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear trusttheprocessUSA,

Please no guilt or beating your self up. You have seen it now and know what to do. One positive is that its shown its self now before he moves away from your immediate view eg college where it might have taken you longer to pick up on it and it could have got more entrenched.

On the "I am assuming his Orthostatic BP is ok"  may I suggested it might be a good idea to check it ED's love it when we parents/carers assume things are OK. You have been surprised by the ED's re-emergence please make sure you have no more surprises.

Warm & Kind thoughts to you.



ED Dad
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rubiegirl8_USA

your son doesn't hate you.  ed does.   you know this, but just wanted to remind you.

I am so sorry you are having to relive it.  it's so hard to tell that they're slipping because ed is so darn sneaky!

there was one time that my dd started doing ed talk again, and I was terrified.  late at night I was crying uncontrollably and thinking "I can't do it again.  I just can't!  I won't survive it!"

but I did it before, and I did it again.  it was much easier because I noticed it very soon and I knew exactly what to do.  it passed quickly and I was relieved!

i think you caught it pretty quick, knowing how ed hides.  good for you!
hang in there.  hoping that this passes quickly for you.

dd 17yr old dx april 2013 at 12yrs old, W/R end of july 2013, phase 3, california
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Kali
Dear Trusttheprocess,

So sorry that your son has lost some weight.
My d. did something similar around the time of prom, high school graduation, beach week, etc.

Transitions can be difficult and stressful and now you know that your son can react to them by losing weight. I know how disappointing it must feel since he was well for so long, however, you know how to feed him and get his weight up. It is an excellent sign that he is eating everything you give him. If that is the case you will be able to get his weight up pretty quickly, you've got this. And you can always phone Kartini and ask them for advice since he was treated there, right?

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He is eating everything I give him at home and I know he doesn't want to return to treatment. 


What are his plans for the fall? Will he be living at home or near home? How is his independent eating?

Oh and one more thing, please do NOT beat yourself up for not noticing sooner! You HAVE noticed and you are on it!

Best wishes,

Kali


Food=Love
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HateEDwithApassion
Same situation here. 18 year old. In remission. Graduating. Going to college 30 miles away in September. Relapse. No advice, but you can do this. We may finally need to do a partial hospitalization since she is fighting us tooth and nail. I'm detached, and maybe that's ok.

You have done this and it may only be a blip. Go at it! You've got this.
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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trusttheprocessUSA
Thank you all - I need to hear all of this and more. I keep rereading your posts and I am able to exhale. My son is somewhat oblivious to what's happening. He doesn't see the problem although we have discussed our plan of action for relapse countless times. His ED is so angry with me - told me he is not going to beach week now and that I've ruined his summer. Beach week is a disaster for him - and not just going but the worrying he is not fit enough - OMG I hate that this bright loving boy has this disorder. My husband and I are just sick with worry. All we can do is feed him and pray he continues to eat without pushback. I need to become that brick wall again and not let anything he says sway me. Health first and always. What would I do without this forum.....
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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Torie
trusttheprocessUSA wrote:
 I cannot believe I missed this.


TTP - But you DIDN'T miss it!  You're on this like white on rice.  You're a fab mom.  Breathe. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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trusttheprocessUSA
You are right Torie - I didn't miss it - not like last time.  I am breathing and holding onto to this forum for strength. Its just my body and mind are running away with me. I need to only focus on the next meal and keeping him safe. He is very angry but perhaps its this fight the ED wants him to show and saving him means not backing down. He and I have grown so incredibly close since he recovered. He gladly spends time with me. We share a love of taking the dogs to the dog park and joking. Today he is unwilling to talk to me and in his room under the covers. Its 180 degree change from Sunday.

He's home from school today due to testing so at least I can be sure he eats lunch!

Drawing strength from all of you - 
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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LauraCollins_US
Been there. Done THAT. In fact since I have known so many families over a long period (a dozen years now) I would say this is more common than not. I wish ED treatment and our whole ED community did a better job of making sure parents know to expect it. The predisposition is still there even after recovery and it will come roaring back if given the chance and any lifespan has chances (an illness, a new sport, a conscious diet, a crisis, a new environment). My lesson was not to worry about the exact circumstances, or the "reason," and to focus on the wall of protection. You've faced ED before, and he's a jerk but also has been beaten before and knows it. I learned to take care of my own emotions so as not to go off in a fear-cycle, or get dramatic or angry. It's normal, it happens, and a lot of us find that the relapse is a real chance to prevent future problems. It tells ED to get back in his cage, and that no one is going to let him rule the roost. I learned to let her get REALLY ANGRY at us, because that's natural, and remember that they trust us not to let that anger sway us. And I learned that she didn't really remember anything of the first time so it was our job to "do the thinking."

The relapse for us was fast, and remitted quickly, and we haven't seen ED since!!

Sending hugs and big girl pants!!
Laura (Collins) Lyster-Mensh
F.E.A.S.T. Executive Director
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trusttheprocessUSA
Oh Laura - thank you for coming to my rescue and bringing big girl pants. [wink]
OK - He trusts me to not allow his anger to sway me. Keep my terror in check.
He doesn't remember the onset - that's for sure. What do you mean it is our job to do the thinking? Use my knowledge to put ED back in the cage and not rely on my son to know how to do that?

He's eating and the gym is out. Sunday will be one week - I will weigh him then and see where we are. Thank God for you and this forum. I am searching and reading all posts from the past regarding relapse. It is a godsend.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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LauraCollins_US
Yes, I meant I learned to keep my own worldview and not depend on her to "see" or "understand" or agree with me. It was harder with a adult person to do that, but the eating disorder distorted reality and memory of the past wasn't really there so we "did the thinking for both of us" until we were out of the woods and back on more rational ground. It was easy to fall into the trap of thinking we could only believe or do things if she understood and agreed. All we asked her to agree with was our rules and boundaries, not the why. That way we weren't fighting or pleading or despairing.
Laura (Collins) Lyster-Mensh
F.E.A.S.T. Executive Director
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trusttheprocessUSA
Got it - thank you. I find myself wanting to have him understand and see me as part of his team to keep him safe. No more energy there - energy on only the actions of eating and no gym and restoring his weight.

Oddly or maybe not - he was his perfect self until I saw the 8lb weight lost (thank god) and told him he would not be able to go to the gym and needed to eat what I gave him. Then he became so angry with me - it is chilling to think the ED can be alive and well underneath my perfect looking and behaving son. I guess I hadn't see that before. He was clearly sick when her first presented at 12.5yrs old.

Learning as I go - and HATING ED.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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Torie
trusttheprocessUSA wrote:
Then he became so angry with me


I know you know this, but maybe a reminder is in order:  It isn't your son who is angry with you - it is Ed.  And it's good that Ed is angry with you - the problem is when Ed likes you fine.

Keep going, Supermom. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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trusttheprocessUSA
"The problem is when ED likes you fine" this is my mantra Torie and yes please keep reminding me. Again I am beside myself with gratitude for all of you and this amazing forum. The supports here shifts and changes as I go thru this journey. I feel certain I would not be able to make it if I didn't have all of this wisdom holding me up. Crying now my fellow warriors.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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EC_Mom
My daughter has had blips, not of the proportion you are describing but still. Our FBT reminds us that this is truly the chance to show that we will always win, that ED will always be beaten back, and also it gives our kid a chance to practice bouncing back from a blip/relapse. And yes, that anger coming back is so scary, but it is NOT the same as a slide all the way back to where you were. In those blips I'm always terrified we will be "all the way back" but the FBT says it's so unlikely, because the brain is not at all as malnourished as it was in the darkest of times. 

Cheering you on, you hero!
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trusttheprocessUSA
So we are going to sit down with him tonight and inform him of the plan. Since he has no memory of being so sick at onset we will need to let him know what the plan for refeeding him is. And the consequences - college and going back to treatment. Maybe when his father and I sit with him after dinner we will show a powerful united front. I pray he will be able to keep eating and restore his weight and return to his old self. The kid I'm dealing with now is hostile and rude and big and powerful. Its scary how gripping this ED is. 
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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trusttheprocessUSA
After a huge steak dinner with loaded mashed potatoes that my son marched thru eating - we went up to his room. My husband and I just sat with our livid sulllen son who was bright and cheerful and funny 4 days ago. My husband started the chat - he is much more engaged this go round - thank god. He told him we are worried. I told him that a growing male will continue to grow until he is 26 yrs old and that his bodily will need enough food to support that growth. That it is a balance of food in and activity out and that we had lost track of that over the past 3 months. So we have a plan to keep you home - restore your lost weight 8lbs by stopping going to the gym and adding 2 cups of whole milk before bed. (Of course I have increased his portions and added HWC where I can. He can't tell the difference if I add HWC). We will weigh you on Sunday to see if the weight loss has stopped and you have gained at all. If not we will increase the food with an additional snack and full fat yogurts. I reminded him he has a 5 lb threshold before he should be back at Kartini. And we are trying to stay home and do this at home. He squealed he is eating everything we are giving him. We told him yes that's all you need to do but he is pissed.
I can't verify lunch. But school is almost over and he has half days for the rest of the time until graduation.
His ED told me I just got every one worried because I love to cause that kind of drama.
He's staying in his room - shut down and furious over not working out at the gym and adding 16 oz of milk per day. This is ED and I would have never seen it if I hadn't caught a glimpse of him on his bathing suit on Sunday.
He is so very unhappy - but now he knows, we know and our older son knows. This is the plan.
I just hope our son will return to us.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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Torie
Good job!

Team TTP: 1
ED: 0

You will get your son back. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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mjkz
Hey TTP, I remember reading your story when I first joined and it really gave me strength.  I'm so glad you caught this as quickly as you did.  I too see the ED come roaring out with minimal weight loss so it is something I'm always watching for.  Sorry you have to be here again but we all benefit from your wisdom in having gone through this and having to do it another time.
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trusttheprocessUSA
Thank you all. The shock of relapse is no small thing. This forum has helped me focus and remind me what I need to do and how to do it. I could not have figured it out in my state - I went from shock to terror.

Just now he stormed downstairs and got the biggest glass (the same glass he flipped
out all week about) and poured it full of milk and drank it - unhappily! Then tossed the glass in the sink and went to bed. I think that's a win. For today.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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EDAction
YAY!  I would count that as a win too!

I hope you have more of these tomorrow too.  I hope your S turns the corner sooner than later, fights ED and works with you (albeit sullenly/angrily) to get back to himself.

How wonderful that your husband is so involved this time!  YAY!

The son who had a great relationship with you 4 days ago is not gone.  He will be back.  But it is excruciating in the meantime.  Thinking of you.


DD diagnosed with anorexia at 14; FBT at home with the help of psychologist and medical dr; 3+ years later and doing well (knock on wood)
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