F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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motherofsixdaughters
I read a great post from HopefulMama written to Mummabear21 back in the summer. I would love for HM and any others to chime in here.
Our d will be home from a small ed inpatient in a couple weeks, which she went into for suicidality a few weeks after we hit wr and our t said we were ready for phase 2. She says we trigger her, FBT and all our boundaries. She said we don't listen, which we've tried very very hard to do more of since we started FBT in August. I tend to think it's her ed saying this but I don't know about the suicide being from ed bc she never said anything about it to us and only said it in a hidden message to one friend. I want to believe it to was from ed and I wanted to just 24/7 monitor her but she (ed?) wouldn't allow that and we were scared bc it wasn't obviously just a scare from ed.
When she comes home we honestly don't know how to handle it. I know she'll want us to just let her intuitively eat and work with a new t like her inpatient place says but we still feel FBT is the way to go to fight ed. We believe she can't completely intuitively eat until eds voice has been quieted for many more months and in the meantime we need to help monitor and require eating as opposed to staying out of it and letting the her handle it alone with the t. We knew we would run into this complication with transition from the IP place but it was too difficult for us to get her into an IP that was FBT friendly. So we don't know if we should just force FBT on her like we would with a 16 yr old or did a few months ago when she was 17 or if we should allow our pastor and wife to let her live there and refeed her which they've offered. We just don't know how much to collaborate or force. Is there ever a time to ask her permission to start FBT with her again and let it go if she doesn't want it??? I feel that's counterintuitive to how ED works. He would never give permission!! She's 18 which shouldn't make a difference but does[frown]. We also have 5 other d's and life was hell for them and us (as you ALL know) for those 4 months of refeeding. I am scared to put my kids and myself through that again. She's also claimed we are physically abusive now and they reported it but CPS told them they won't pursue it. Thank The Lord!! She (ed) just overall seems so so so hostile to us doing anything and she claims this has been since before her ed which who knows bc that was over three years ago!! We will fight ed to the death if thats the right thing to do but we just don't know how anymore bc of her age and her resistance. Also don't know if we should just let her lay around all day again like we did in refeeding in the fall. It was all day when not eating, in her bed or on her phone on the couch. We allowed that bc as HopefulMama even indicated, we understand it takes all the energy possible to go through refeeding phase 1. Don't know how to set boundaries of what's acceptable bc honestly there aren't any more consequences we can put in place bc she's not doing anything extra even no school and her phone is gone. Please please give me practical of how and what to say to her and how and what to do. Thank you!
18yo D wr about to start phase 2 but at an ed inpatient for suicide

"...surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.  You are a hiding place for me you preserve me from trouble, you surround me with shouts of deliverance."
Psalms 32: 6-7
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motherofsixdaughters
Oh and I didn't mention that the IP says her depression is severe and profound. They put her on Prozac but who says that isn't the ED???? Not that I'm against drugs and won't take her off of them unless directed but sometimes I don't understand how depression fits in, premier Id color is blah blah blah. She's had her ed unbeknownst to us for so so long we don't know if there was depression prior!
18yo D wr about to start phase 2 but at an ed inpatient for suicide

"...surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.  You are a hiding place for me you preserve me from trouble, you surround me with shouts of deliverance."
Psalms 32: 6-7
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hopefulmama
I'm so sorry. This is all so hard. It IS so hard with a YA. When the depression is so severe and they don't want anything it is all that much harder. We too dealt with everything you are talking about. My d hated us. The depression lasted way longer than I would have thought. It is so hard to figure out what the driving force is...ED, depression, anxiety. In retrospect I believe that my d had lifelong anxiety and the depression came with ED, but lingered even after the ED seemed much better.

It is incredibly frustrating to deal with someone who is so resistant and resentful. I know. I can only tell you what worked for us.

1-We never managed real FBT. My d had a meal plan that was realistic and had plenty of fats (actually increased when after she didn't get her period back.) We had guidelines about her having to eat with us or at her IOP for accountability. We met with a family t each week and if there were issues with her food we could bring it up then.'not tattling on her, but framed more like what we could do to better support her. This was necessary for months and months. She needed the accountability. I think it takes a long time of sustained nutrition at an adequate weight to quiet ED.

2-We were very anti meds, but the suicidality was so scary if meds could help we wanted to try. My d's suiciduality actually worsened on Prozac. It may be worth talking about trying a different sSRI or even another class of drugs. My d got a lot of relief from an anti-psychotic.

3-No matter how much my d said she didn't want a life, I think at some level the real her was in there. It seemed to help when I validated how sad, scared, angry she was and how unfair this situation was. I just kept saying that I knew what we were doing (sustained nutrition, no exercise, accountability, etc) was what was necessary to beat ED and give my d the life she deserved. Usually the response was that she didnt want any of it, but we kept trying. I really was not at all confident, but I learned to fake it on this forum.

4-I think for YAs they lose so much to ED and it is overwhelming for them to figure out how to rebuild a life. We looked for baby steps, a part time job, maybe an online class, etc.' It was truly baby steps.

I know how hard it is. I lost it lots of times, but the more I was calm and confident and consistent in the face of anything my d (or ED) threw our way, the more it seemed to help us move forward. I have not read the starfish book, but I don't know if that might help you.
Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear motherofsixdaughters & hopefulmama,

Do your self a favour & buy the Throwing Starfish Across the Sea a really good easy read & kind of like a hard copy pocket sized version of this wonderful forum. Took me a while to buy a copy, should have done it earlier glad I have bought it has given me some new perspectives & reinforced others.

Warm & Kind thoughts to you
ED Dad
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motherofsixdaughters
Thank you both. I will get the book. So please tell me what would you do with this... She's scheduled to leave IP in two weeks. An hour ago we just had a conversation with her on the phone with the family T. She basically reniged on the physical abuse issue. That was huge!! But she said she feels she needs to manage her recovery without us but with a t and a d. When we argue she is still not completely well yet from the ed and needs support in it she says she's learned enough in the 8 wks she's been there to intuitively eat and follow a plan with an op t. She also says her inability to connect to us emotionally (which she has claimed has been the issue behind the suicide, the cutting, you name it and she says it's premorbid) makes her not be able to live with us. She says she needs distance. The therapist supports her need for both these things. What in the world do we say to ideally get her home and help with monitoring her eating again with our op FBT t?? I know it would be good to add this question as a new post too to get lots of feedback.
18yo D wr about to start phase 2 but at an ed inpatient for suicide

"...surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.  You are a hiding place for me you preserve me from trouble, you surround me with shouts of deliverance."
Psalms 32: 6-7
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AUSSIEedfamily
Dear motherofsixdaughters,

I am surprised the IP facility is promoting the idea of your D doing this without you as an integrated part of the solution.

My thoughts are for you to gather all the information you can that is published by the eminent ED people that are now firmly believing that Parents/Carers are an essential & required part of the recovery team & that those ed patients separated from this vital resource are at significant risk of relapse.

Here some resources


http://letsfeast.feast-ed.org/2014/12/towards-establishing-role-of-family.html

http://www.kcl.ac.uk/ioppn/about/difference/New-treatments-for-Anorexia.aspx

I would give great thought to being a kind of ""Charlotte"" and bombard this IP place with all of the info from the eminent clinicians & researchers that promote families as a fully integrated part of the recovery team. Get them to realise they are not up with the latest Clinical, Professional & Academic beliefs that Parents/Cares are an essential requirement of the recovery team!! 

Here is some of my efforts & you can pass them the links to the ANZAED father & professor collaborative blog & a copy of the conference presentation.

http://www.anzaed.org.au/father--prof-collaborative-blog

http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/and-now-an-anzaed-blog-to-do-for-the-father-professor-colaboration-copy-of-collaboration-7098851?pid=1285270180#post1285270180&gsc.tab=0

http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/and-now-an-anzaed-blog-to-do-for-the-father-professor-colaboration-copy-of-collaboration-7098851?pid=1285270180#post1285270180&gsc.tab=0

http://www.jeatdisord.com/content/2/S1/O52

Warm & Kind thoughts to you
ED Dad
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