F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Elena
After today's performance I can begin to understand why Mums get so much blame!! My d goes in to see the therapist, seeming very 'together' and 'normal', is more surprised than the therapist when she has lost over 3kg. She can't see how that could be, she's tried not to lose weight, and she's been doing everything right. It is all just normal, normal, normal, that's how teenagers are, she didn't mean to lose weight, it is all some sort of freak accident.

And then I come into the room. I wasn't surprised or shocked by the weight loss, it was pretty much what I expected. By the time I tell the therapist what behaviours we've been seeing at home my d has totally closed up ... hunched up in chair and only blurting out the occasional angry word.

But it does look as if I'm the problem. This girl would have passed for perfectly fine by anyone's standards, until I came into the room as a reality check. I felt rather bad bursting the therapist's bubble. But she at least was on the ball enough to reassess what she had previously thought. Clever enough to see that my d's reaction to what I was saying was evidence that the ED was still alive and kicking.

But it could also look a lot like a mother/daughter relationship which has gone badly wrong, and indeed it has, but only as the result of the ED.....
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OneToughMomma
Just read my d's discharge papers and one mentions that 'the family conflict seems to be resolved '! This from a clinician who I really thought got it. So glad your d has someone who will listen to mum and not ED.

XOOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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deenl
Hey OTM,

God knows, I have had very many TERRIBLE experiences with the professionals on this ED journey BUT the comment in you files may not be as bad as you think. Our current t recognises that when ED comes into the house a level of conflict esp. between the parents is very likely. Mostly it is that we are learning and developing at slightly different speeds and eventually we end up in the same place (i.e. Food first) They could easily write the same thing on our files. But the conflict came because of the ED not the other way around. Thankfully, H and I are on the same page now but it was a process and a turbulent one at times.

Elana, I think this is what has caused so much difficulty in the history of ED and therapists/psychiatry - confusing cause and effect. Glad your t is good enough  not to be fooled.

Take care,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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cjac16
Oh boy does this sound familiar!  Listening to my d when we are both with the therapist you would think that I (and nobody else in the family by the way) was Satan!  I was told that there quite often is a scapegoat in the family (with children with any serious illness, not just ED).  I am the only other female and therefore the closest to d so she feels more comfortable treating me so badly.  When we see the therapist I think she needs to get things off her chest and it is just all aimed at me.  She once told me during a vile vent that I would never leave her because I loved her too much which I suppose is a positive.
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OneToughMomma
I know, deenl, I really can't imagine a disease more confrontational than ED.  It really strains everyone around.
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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