F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Need to talk with another parent? F.E.A.S.T. parents offer peer support via:

joanne34
We are around six months into re-feeding our 13 year old daughter and weight is being gained very slowly which is a good thing.   In the last few months on average she has gained around 0.5kg a week.  She is still very underweight but hopefully we are making steps forward.   The main issue at the moment is just the hatred/disdain we are dealing with each day.   I ignore it on a daily basis, pull her up when necessary (we definitely have set boundaries) and try and remain positive.  It is mainly low level but fairly constant.  Today I've just had enough.  We were out for our daily walk as part of the exercise allowance.  She kept trying to add extra exercise where she could so I pulled her up on it.  Cue dirt looks and muttering under her breath.  At that point I'd just had a gut full.  I calmly asked my husband for the house keys, asked him to carry on with the kids and I walked back home.   I felt removing myself from the situation was better than fully losing it if I carried on walking with them.

So far I have only lost my temper once since her being diagnosed, it was when she all of a sudden flat refused to eat after finding out she'd gained weight at CAMHS.  Since then we have blind weighed.   I was absolutely ashamed of myself and it hasn't happened since.   I just hope this passes, I don't want to dislike my daughter.   It probably doesn't help that we are now in teenage territory.

Sorry for the moan I just feel so upset and just tired of it all. 

I'm sure after a nights sleep and a bit of distraction things will improve.  I just keep telling myself it's like when they were babies....they go through stages.  This is a stage.....a rubbish one....but a stage none the less. Fingers crossed!
Quote
Torie
Good idea to walk away.  Sometimes it is just too much.  BUT, great that she is gaining .5 kg per week!!!  That is really fabulous!  Sucks that what is needed for long-term health brings such misery in the short term, but so so worth it.

Hang in there! xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote
joanne34
Thanks Torie.  I feel a bit better now.  You are right, I am really happy tha she is now gaining weight as we went through a period where despite re-feeding she was loosing.  Since her lowest point she has gained 5 kg so hopefully onwards and upwards. Thank you xx
Quote
deenl
Hi Joanne, 

You handled this really well. Tag teaming with your husband is exactly the sort of support you need to allow you to recharge. 

When my son was on the way up (at his worst he had no energy for drama) all the terrible stresses he felt ended up being focused on me. He snarled, left the room if I entered, turned his back on me and acted as if I'd burnt him if I accidentally brushed against him. It was a very painful time, especially as my life basically consisted of cooking, supervising, etc.

But it passed eventually. I don't think it can ever be quick enough for us parents though. Our relationship now is loving and fun. 

I hope this phase passes as quickly as possible for you. 

Warm wishes 

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
teecee

Hey stop being so tough on yourself. You are hearby allowed to have emotions and feel rubbish and want to run away and shout at all those other people moaning about irrelevant things....ITS OK TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND MORE. 

The worst thing about this vile illness is that our friends and family can’t understand unless theyve been there. Goodness, even medical professionals don’t fully understand it and there’s no clear treatment pathway as there is with other illnesses. We not only have to do our best for our kids but we do it not fully knowing if what we are doing is going to work and worst still they show disdain towards our heroic efforts. How we keep caring and caring day after day is unfathomable. It’s like doing a good deed every day and being hit in the face for your trouble but getting up and doing it over. Please don’t ever worry about coming here and venting....we’ve been there  
Now please do something just for you, to escape for a short while without worrying about food. YOU DESERVE IT. 

 

Quote
joanne34
Thank you so so much for your kind words. They have made me cry but in a good way xxxx
Quote
MKR
Hi @joanne34,

You challenged the ED well.And you modelled dealing with stress in a calm way, by removing your self.

I agree with deenl about taking turns with your husband.

The only thing I'd add is, maybe use this time to "fortify" her meals and get those moods to fade away faster.

But first, a bit of respite for you ❤.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
Quote
teecee

Awww you’re welcome. I remember feeling exactly the same at your stage. I had to learn to accept there were some things I just could not control. I hope it helps to know that it will pass and quicker than you actually realise. You will be able to ‘breathe’ soon. 

Virtual hugs. Xx

Quote
joanne34
Thank you so much.  I am fortifying as much as I can get away with and I'm just so glad we are seeing weight gain now because it was pretty soul destroying going to CAMHs each week and her losing weight despite re-feeding.  Her lowest weight was 41kg and since her weight started to increase she is now at 46kg.   It is good to see her looking a bit healthier and actually seeing her smile although there is still a way to go as she is pretty tall.  The fall out/anxiety spikes are less frequent and less prolonged.   It's hard to imagine now just how bad it was where she would be shut down all day/howling in the shower and only just about able to shower herself/upset/howling when getting dressed/howling and upset/agitated when going to bed.  I have to tell myself things are getting better because it is the usual where the negatives have more power than the positives and a the moment there are positives.  We just have to keep pushing forward and hope she is going to get there.   Thanks everyone xxxx
Quote
joanne34
Deenl, your comment about your relationship with your son being loving and fun does give me hope 🙂
Quote

        

WTadmin