F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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deetz
We've had a rough weekend for some reason and I'm not sure I can keep this up. She's been WR since April and I've kept up and we've taken her well past that. The doctor keeps telling me to back off, and I have a little, but I keep hoping for a demeanor change, but I can't see it. I think I may have started something on Wednesday when she had dance class (that's a whole thing that we were trying to get her back to normal, I'm not sure that's the way) and was all upset that they didn't "do enough". She missed dance camp this summer, so she's behind in dances, and the teachers at her level focus on the high level competition girls. However, she used to say this when she was sick because she didn't work enough, and I freaked out and started watching her like a hawk. This she didn't like, and has been very mouthy and yelling, which hasn't been around for a while. This morning I tried making oatmeal with flax meal in it, and it was a huge bowl and she couldn't finish it, so again there was fighting. She had a supplement to finish what she didn't, but then started fighting with her father, told him to @%& off. So she lost dance class this week since we had a contract and that crossed the line. I'm not sure if something else is going on, since I looked at her gradebook and Health class had a body image assignment on there, so I'm wondering if she was triggered by that, but when I asked she said they didn't do that. I'd love to get her out of dance and have her focus on her job at the doggy day care, which she loves, but H played his hand too early and she's dug in with stupid dance now. When do they realize that they need to fight too! All this recovery has been my work and I'm so tired of the flack! It was our anniversary and we couldn't even go out together because we had to drive kids to work and make sure they eat after ward. There's a lot of ressentment in the house right now.
Sorry for the vent, but I'm about to blow.
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Torie
Hi deetz - Sounds like a really challenging time.

I'm trying to understand your situation a little better - did your d end up getting tested for autism?

Can you ask her twin about the health class?

How did you determine how much weight is needed for weight restoration?

Sorry for all the questions.  It sounds like your d has a lot on her plate with school, dance, and her work at the doggy day care.  It can be hard to be a teen even without health issues these days and really, especially difficult with AN and especially with (?) ASD on top of that.  

I think your d has struggled with AN for about two years now?  If that it correct, I think that suggests that she may need to stop dancing if she is to get to a place of good health.  It really sucks when our kids need to lost the things they love, but I think you have given a really good try to preserve the dance.  

I'm really sorry for all the difficulty. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
"The doctor keeps telling me to back off, and I have a little"
Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe ED thinks you are weaker now and starts a new game.

"I think I may have started something on Wednesday when she had dance class (that's a whole thing that we were trying to get her back to normal, I'm not sure that's the way) and was all upset that they didn't "do enough"."
Dance class and competition are often VERY triggering. I would not allow that at this state.

Health class: same. I would try to get her out of that. Also triggering for ED.

So maybe she "just" had a rough week because she needed to fight 3 ED triggers this week? Just an idea.
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Enn
Hi deetz, 
Your d is 14 ,as I recall and WR since April. It does take a long time and a lot of food to see their state get significantly better.  To get her weight higher I feel is wise. And it has to keep going up as she is so young. 
I am not sure why the doctor would want you to back off. In the big scheme of things, April to now is a very short time. It would be not just important but imperative, to keep up the "medicine". I don't think you started anything. I wonder if the dancing and high level of competition is a bit too much right now. And the health assignment. 
I will tell you what we did. D was taken out of all sports home and school. She went back to soccer (very non-competitive) 2 hrs per week (ie 1 hour twice per week) after 4 months from diagnosis. I went with her and if she was doing too much I took her off the field. The coaches were good and pulled her off when they saw her doing too much and no double shifts. On those days an big extra snack of 400 cal was expected to be eaten and she did it. I still do not allow D to do certain activities at school in gym, (very rigorous things) and at 1.5 yrs at WR +12 kg she is not allowed to do "health". It is funny the gym teacher tells me that "you know she won't get a mark for health" I say "ya who cares".

I agree with tina72, i think she is too early after WR to do so many of these things and for you to "let go" now a bit is way too premature. I have seen here over and over again that when WR people try to get back to normal too early it is a recipe for disaster.
I am not sure that the "old" normal is the "best" normal anymore. The "new" normal is not bad it is just different and  it may take time to figure that out too. She is young there is so much time.  She is still in very early recovery from a serious illness.  Her body may look able but it really is about her state, that  is not visible to our naked eye.  Unfortunately, they don't have scars on the outside so  that we can see are healed to tell us that they are cured.
XXX


When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Mamaroo
Hi Deetz

Happy anniversary! Yes, it is hard if you can't do anything on a special day. ED spoils all the great things in life. I hope you had a better start to the week.

It's a pity the doctors told you to "back off", they don't have to live with ED the whole time. You know your d best, if you feel you need to tighten the reigns then do it. Even if you need to revisit your decision re dancing, then discuss it with your h. 

Do something nice today for yourself (maybe a belated anniversary dinner with hubby), just to show ED it's not (totally) ruling your life.

Sending  you lots of hugs!!!!!


D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Enn
deetz wrote:
When do they realize that they need to fight too! All this recovery has been my work and I'm so tired of the flack! It was our anniversary and we couldn't even go out together because we had to drive kids to work and make sure they eat after ward. There's a lot of ressentment in the house right now.
Sorry for the vent, but I'm about to blow.


I want to acknowledge the hard work you have done to help your child and you deserve a better time of it all. You really do deserve great kindness, love and accolades for her getting so far!

Celebrating when the house is "upside down" may not be viable right now. I agree with Mamaroo, that you should take some time and go out at another time that you can with H-if you feel you want to. 

How about taking time for YOU and you alone? A massage, going out for high tea with a friend (one of my favourites)? A manicure or pedicure, shopping or having H take the kids and you have a nap?

The fact that your D likes her job with the doggy day care is a real motivator I think? You know her best. Animals are therapeutic and loving and really make the world a better place. Push it.. it sounds good for her and for you too, I hope.[smile]
I send you a "high five" for the great work you have done, Mom,
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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deetz
Thank you for all your replies! It makes me feel better just to hear another point of view on things. She's calmed down a lot and boy it's nice to have two days where we don't have to be anywhere since she's missing dance this week. The funny thing is, I almost think she's relieved. There are many passive aggressive things she does that makes her dad and I think she wants to quit, but doesn't want to admit it. She performed at Irish Fest a couple of months ago and she complained about the performance (it was too hot, the stage was slippery, etc.) and then we spent an hour in the Celtic Canines booth petting the dogs. And that was what she talked about for days, not performing! Anyone can see where her joy is, she just needs to realize it.

Our in-laws are taking over so we can go on an anniversary dinner this weekend, so that will be good.[smile]
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ValentinaGermania
"I almost think she's relieved."
That is really possible. Often they are relieved when we stop them from AN behaviour because they were not able to stop it themthelves.

"Our in-laws are taking over so we can go on an anniversary dinner this weekend, so that will be good.[smile]"
That sounds so nice. If it works try to ask them if you can do that more often and not only for anniversary...
I hope you will have a couple of nice hours and at least a stressless meal. You so deserve this.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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4kgc
My 14 year old daughter with RAN (diagnosis late November 2017, WR early April 2018) has a required health class in school this year. A two week topic on nutrition is coming up. I asked her doctor (an ED specialist) about it. “Hell no” was her immediate response. She told me that they see many relapses begin after nutrition units as well as hear about nutrition units being an initial trigger for susceptible persons. So she’ll be spending the next weeks in the library/study hall instead of class.

My daughter is also a dancer. She has never been in high level/competitive dance. After missing a month around the time of diagnosis, she’s been back in her classes. They are neither year round nor frequent/lengthy. She seems to truly love it, but I also watch her very carefully when she’s dancing. It is a hard balance, often difficult to figure out the primary driver of these things, isn’t it? I also want her, as much as possible, to be able to return to the things that she loved before ED. Certainly dance was one of those. It is joyful movement for her. BUT....if/when it ever appears that dance is more about ED OR that ED is capitalizing on dance to make her ill, dance will have to wait or go.
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Nicstar4
Hope you had a good anniversary dinner!
Well done for holding steady, which is hard in the moments of turmoil!
I am giggling (much needed after the day I have had,) as I read doggy daycare as ‘dodgy’ daycare and wondered why she was working in a childcare centre that you thought was dodgy, and wondered if it was the co workers or the kids!
Duh! Too tired to read. Glad she is getting happiness from the animals!
Think you need to stick to your instincts. Get her weight where you feel happy and she functions well. So good you are so aware of relapse triggers. Will bear this in mind for future. As I have seen from many feeds ‘state not weight’
Can I ask how her twin is going?
Take care x
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