*Long post alert
Background: D diagnosed with RAN at age 12. I quickly discovered Maudsley site and started refeeding. Went to UCSD Family Week, but ended up staying for two months due to her extreme anxiety, running away, etc. Came back home (where, despite my best efforts, she lost the weight program put on her). Zero medical ED knowledge/support in our area, but did find a good therapist. Slowly, D started showing recovery signs and by the following summer was eating like a normal teen (tho’ ED never completely went away).
Once ED was mostly gone, depression and suicidal thoughts/attempts arrived. Eight ER visits led to a brief stay in a mental hospital. Lots of med changes which initially helped, but also put a lot of extra weight on her. I didn’t mind at all. End of her sophomore year, she grew a little taller and lost some weight. I was nervous, but she still ate normally (I never stopped watching her like a hawk) so I chalked it up to growing.
Well, that small loss brought ED back and she has lost weight consistently since then. I freaked that ED returned, felt like a failure...scared, so I didn’t take the reigns like I should have. I was flat out terrified to face ED again. Our psychiatrist “fired” us because she demanded I put her in program ASAP. At time, D was still at a much higher weight. Therapist fired us too. Because D’s weight had gone a bit too far, I am guilty of thinking we had room for some loss (for health issues because her weight had climbed very high).
So it’s a year and a half later and D eats a rigid meal plan with some variety when I push. Skips started in October with her part-time job. (Seasonal so she is no longer working.) She hates her old “fat” self. Terrified of returning to that weight. When I do push, the self-harm appears. When we were weighing, blind then open, she freaked over a 2 lb gain. Exercised for an hour. It took all summer just to get 2lbs on her.
I am a teacher and since we are back to Phase 1, she eats with me in my classroom. We did bring in variety over the summer. There was definitely some improvement. Dessert, etc., but then school started and I get so tired and fold to her demands. Her older sister is a great support, but she returned to college. I do hide canola oil in everything I can, but calories still aren’t enough. She looks like she gets smaller all the time. Still has her period.... ED definitely controlling her brain, however. Debates and argues everrrrrything.
With the weight loss, self-harm returned....happens maybe twice a month. Cuts. Bangs her head on wall. Punches self. She has hit me a few times.
She refuses to let me weigh her. I told her if she showed brain healing we could forgo weighing. Last night I told her we have a December challenge. Variety. Weighing. She closed down. Refused dinner. Got her to have one Ensure eventually.
Re: program. My insurance is good, but I have no extra money to live in another city. I am still paying off debt I incurred living in San Diego that summer. I am paycheck to paycheck.
My father died last year and my mom drives me crazy (bossy, critical, needy, paranoid). This past week I learned my ex-fiancé (together for 9 1/2 years, engaged for nearly 3 years) got married in Vegas Tuesday and we only broke up 3 months ago. :’( I made decision to break up (mostly due to ED - I had to put all my energy into ED and was too tired to include him in my life. He started backing off/getting distant) but I am devastated he did this. Devastated!!! He blocked the announcement (and other hints of her) from me on FB, but mutual friends told me. I cry all the time.
My D is 17, a senior, and wants to go to college. Very bright. Straight A’s in six AP classes this year. I told her I cannot let her go away in this condition - hence the December pressure. Dr Laura Mulheim (?) suggests six solid months of recovery before transitioning to college. I have thought to call Dr M’s office in Los Angeles. Three hour drive for us, but might be worth it.
I feel so alone and honestly wish to die most days. Because of ED, my world has become very small. I have no friends. Work is hard. ED is hard. Ex-fiancé mess has got me really down. I want to give up. I do see a therapist but he doesn’t fully understand ED. Says I need to give her more reign. Yeah, right.....
Thanks for reading/listening. Needed to vent to those who understand. I know I will keep fighting because that is what we do, but I don’t know how much longer. A few weeks ago, I shattered our slider glass door. My rage takes over and I want to smash everything. I fear I am losing my mind. :’(