F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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uccellinika
Our daughter is 4 months into the recovery road and has finally admitted to having hunger and fullness cues. She has been weight restored for 2 months but still has occassional meltdowns over certain fear foods but not always. She will not eat in front of anyone but family and will not go outside or see friends bc she fears people seeing her "fat".  She eats whatever we give her. She wants to start to have some say in what she eats (however, she is orthorexic), should we consider giving her some control over her progress and how would we go about that? Start by letting her plate her own food (portions), or choices in snacks, etc. or is there another way? Or should we even move forward since she still has the above issues.
Kim

15yD, restricted for 7 weeks, 4months in, weight restored but mentally still not there
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Ocras68
Hi Uccellinka

Great work on the weight restoration. We’re at a similar stage to you in that my daughter is weight restored (but only just) and eats everything we give her. She still has some fear foods but will eat them when we insist. I would be wary of giving back control too quickly. My d wants us to “trust her” and was really keen to start serving some of her own food again, so we agreed a tiny step with her CAMHS therapist. We allow my d, under my supervision, to pour her own granola into a bowl for breakfast, but as we only have granola once every four or five days, it’s a slowly-slowly approach.

Lots of people on this forum have said that going too fast can end up in things going backwards. If your daughter fears people seeing her “fat” it sounds like those ED thoughts are still painfully strong, and you also mention orthorexia, so I’d be reluctant to change anything just yet. If you do want to take a small step, then start with your daughter serving her own portion of a food, rather than her actually choosing the food for a snack. It’s less stressful - if she doesn’t serve a big enough portion you can gently guide her to put some more in, whereas if she chooses a snack you don’t agree with, there’s an immediate trigger for an argument (and a lost opportunity for calorific intake).

As this is a public forum, you might want to hide your real name in your profile.

Best wishes.
Xx
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scaredmom

HI Uccellinika,
I welcome you. I hope you find the support and information that you seek to help you.

As you read around the forum, you will see that at 2 months WR this is very early and many have had to go much higher with the weight to get brain healing as well as more than 4months WR. 
So I would keep feeding. Some of those fears will get better with time and more exposure. She seems to have a lot ofED thoughts/worries- time and food are helpful here. 
At two months around WR I would not suggest you give control back. Those other thoughts and fears are going to get in her way. I have seen here, too many times, where control is handed back not to your real D but to ED disguised as the child and boom all the great work is undone very quickly. 
Giving some choice but good caloric value can help .With my D she knows what a "good" snack is ie clif bar, or chocolate bar, or X amount of cookies etc.. or giving choices between flavours of yogurt, or juices, "do you want apple or orange juice".My D was almost 12 at diagnosis and now is 13.5 and WR for about one year. I am no expert for sure, but I do not give her much choice. She just knows what constitutes the right amount or types of foods AND I still examine all her choices. So really my D has very little choice.

Has she got her periods regularly? That is one but not the most important health indicator. Have you seen "state vs weight" videos here. Weight is part of it but it is the brain that helps us determine how much of ED is still present.

Also for her weight, is she back on her historical growth curve? Being able to maintain her weight curve for many months, I think is crucial to ensure she won't "fall off the curve" quickly.

Please ask all the questions you have. There is such a wealth of real life ewxperience here. 

XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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scaredmom
If you wish to change your name and don't know how, just let me know. You can back email me, click on my name and you will find the email on the top left.
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Foodsupport_AUS
The tricky thing with giving D back choices as regards her food, is that it can be very difficult to go backwards. It is for this reason that many people have preferred to delay giving choices and introducing more independent eating. Of course I am sure you also know that sometimes what you are doing is giving choices to ED and not to D. 

If you do decide to move forward I would suggest doing things very slowly. You can give her a choice between two or three things that you agree to - they often have troubles choosing. You can also look at changing some meal times as other things other than serving herself food. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Mamaroo
Welcome from me as well. I have to agree with the others. i think there are too many other ED behaviours, which need to change before you allow her more freedom around food. If you want to give her a choice between flavours or snacks with the same calorie value (yogurt or muesli bar - both containing the same calories) then I think you can start doing that. Then she has more choice and you know the calories are still going in. I still plate my d's main meals, so that one I've left at the bottom of the list for now. 

My d also didn't like eating out or in public, so we started by bringing in her snacks to the movies, so I would hand them to her during the movie and she would eat them in the dark. Tiny steps towards eating outside of her comfort zone. Does she have a good friend you can invite over to have lunch with her? My d was able to eat with her best friend and continued eating with her at school so that I didn't need to go to school to supervise meals anymore.

Give your d a couple more months for brain healing to start. You should see some improvement 6-12 months after WR. It's a pity it take such a long time for them to get back to their old selves. Also remember that your d still requires a lot of calories because her metabolism will still be high for a long time. 
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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uccellinika
We have decided to not change a thing since she really is not there mentally yet. She got her period about 2 weeks after getting weight restored and she got it again over Christmas so I know that is good news. 

Thank you all for your quick response and wealth of info. Keep Rocking Warriors!
Kim

15yD, restricted for 7 weeks, 4months in, weight restored but mentally still not there
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Torie
WHen the time comes, it is safest to go r-e-a-l-l-y slowly with the choices.  Starting with something like "Do you want the red bowl or the blue bowl" is enough at first.  Next step might be pouring her own milk.  Not enough?  "That's okay - we can try again tomorrow."  If after three tries, she still can't pour enough "That's okay; I guess we aren't ready for this now."

It seems like it takes forever, but (like toddlerhood), it really does pass.

Keep swimming. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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