F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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I know this is a rhetorical question because I have no choice, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope....

Daughter is 13. Discovered RAN almost one year ago after she restricted for about two months (but lost close to 20 lbs). Read and continue to read every book on the subject. Discovered Maudsley right away and re-fed at home with some success. Have been through it all - 911 calls, running away, suicide threats. Spent some time in program and put on 10 pounds which rapidly came off as soon as we returned home (in spite of all my measures to keep weight up). No help where we live. Psychiatrist is an ass who doesn't listen, but we put up with him because we need the medication (Abilify and Zoloft). Found a good therapist. Still looking for a good doctor.

We are on winter break so I told her we have to focus on refeeding/challenge foods. She loves rewards versus consequences. (When I mention hospitalization, she rages worse....)

Maybe I shouldn't complain. She is so brave and is eating and challenging herself. Had smores, hershey kisses, and smores at youth group last week. Had a Starbucks drink and cake pop as yesterday's challenge. I just can't deal with the ED guilt that hits her afterwards with the tears, self-hitting, and the "I hate yous". Psychiatrist just increased the zoloft, so maybe that will help a little. 

Thankfully, her period returned about three months ago and has remained regular so far. We are on the edge of the cliff and I just don't know how much longer I can hang on. I really feel we are 5 to 10 pounds away from her brain healing a bit more. (I check out history on her phone and she has been hitting pro-ana sites again. :'( Trying to figure out how to block, etc.)

I am a single mom. Alone. Friends don't even ask how my daughter is doing. It's just crazy how alone I feel. I have moments where I feel hopeful, but the lows feel so low. 

I do lurk here often and am amazed at how we all share similar stories. Just needed to vent today. Thank you. 

Vent on, JB. This vile illness sucks.


"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Just logging and on and saw your post.  Vent away because I think we have all been "there" at one time or another.  I have my ups and downs even with a great support team in place.  Bottom line my d is still not fully recovered and the ED roller coaster is exhausting!

Just wanted you to know "I sure get it".  I think the holiday's make everything harder for those with ED and the caregivers.  Everybody "should" be having fun and everything "should" be holiday perfect. (or so that is the impression).  So hard to write a Christmas card note (my tradition) of many years....so if I don't send one everybody will wonder what is wrong. I wrote one but my heart is not in it this year.

I try a lot of coping skills (DBT distress tolerance stuff), positive self-talk, etc. but the thing that really helps me....realizing there are kids who never made it to this date...families whose loved ones didn't survive ED.  Suddenly I can "do" it.  I make sure I get a good night sleep, acknowledge this horrible stuff won't last forever, and get back on the horse.  My d is still here and I am going to fight, fight, fight no matter what.

You wouldn't believe how many times I have had to give myself that pep talk....plenty.

Some days are harder than others....try to take some self-care time....then keep on keeping on.

You are not alone in all your feelings....that's for sure.  No matter our exact ED situation....it is all exhausting, daunting and hard work for all involved.  I do believe recovery is very possible but can be a very bumpy ride.  Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.
Daughter diagnosed 2010 (9th grade) with AN/Binge/Purge.  D. had brewing ED thoughts as early as 4th grade. Constant battle with ED from 2010-present.  Co-morbid anxiety & depression & suicidal thoughts & self-harm.  Most recently in intense DBT/ED program outpatient . Weight restored but not happy about it.
Oh, JustBelieve, how I wish I could just reach through this monitor and grab you in a big hard bear hug!!  (Hope you aren't British...!)

This illness is so hard.  HARD.

A long time ago, when we were deep in the trenches and my hair was on fire, former member Malia got out her virtual blender and whipped us up a pitcher of margaritas.  I'm doing that for you right now.  Just sit down and take a break.  If you'd rather have a cup of tea, I've got the kettle on.  The tissues are on the table.  Let it all out.  We are here with you.  We get it.  It all depends on you and it's too hard.  We understand.  We're on your side.  Take a few minutes to just breathe.  Imagine that you are getting a virtual shoulder rub from your coach in the corner; he's squeezing a wet sponge over your head and waving the smelling salts under your nose.  Get yourself ready for the next battle.  Not the ENTIRE battle--just focus on one meal, one bite at a time.  Each forkful is a big old FU to ED.

There, a whole basketful of metaphors!

I hope today is a better day, or that this moment is a good moment, and that your good moments start to outnumber the bad.

We don't get the kind of cheerleading we deserve, so I'm here waving my pompoms to let you know that you are AWESOME and you are doing heroic work!!!
Colleen in the great Pacific Northwest, USA

"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease."
Alexander Pope, 1688-1744
I know. I have never felt so alone as when I was the insane mom following her kid around the house with a plate with one last bite of Nutella toast on it. And I had a supportive husband and a doctor who listened and took what I said seriously. But I still felt like....the person waiting through a long cold night with my finger in the dike.

There, found a metaphor Colleen didn't use.

There were a lot of things that got me through, but the main one was seeing progress. That's why I came on this site frequently and said "is this progress? Tell me it's progress!" Because progress is darn hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

IT sounds like you are making progress, yes? She's put on 10 pounds, she's doing challenge foods, her period returned. Hold on to that.

I might suggest, although you didn't ask for advice but came on here to vent, (which is normal and necessary and you may check my past posts to see how much I vented!!!! and you can also search for "whinge" on this site and get a whole thread of venting) that while challenge foods are completely necessary, refeeding to a really good weight is even more so. So, if doing a lot of challenges is slowing down the refeeding process, you might want to back off them in favor of just getting those pounds on. (And do more challenges after that). Are you doing smoothies?

Hugs to you. You're not alone. 
best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
I'm not very good with metaphors so I'm afraid I can't add to Colleen's list, but here are some pompoms:

Cheer2     Cheer2    Cheer2



P.S. Keep swimming Swim
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Try to find someone who is on your side (they are out there, you just might not know).  I'm a teacher and didn't tell the kids or the parents what I was going through when my daughter was IP, but somehow this one parent just knew... she gave me a plastic turtle and said it was my totem - longevity, strength, stamina, resolve to never give up, just keep swimming.  It is still in the pocket of my winter coat (well, the lining - since the pocket has a hole...) and I found it this fall when I put the coat back on.  She was a lifesaver to me, just knowing she was there...  

If not, we will be your virtual cheerleaders!  I have to agree with getting her closer to WR should be a priority right now, however you do it - with or without fear foods.  

Do you have any friends she can take along to Starbucks?  I used to pick her up after school and invite a neighborhood friend along for an after school snack and then bring a game too, so they could sit and chat or play a game if they wanted - I would sit at a different table and just relax for a minute.
worried mom
I use the mental three gold star system-every day I get out of bed,sort out my kids is a three gold star day.when I decide. I've earned enough I go to the plant shop.sometimes when the world doesn't acknowledge our hard work ,we have to do it ourselves.whatever you have time for,reward yourself with that.a massage, a cup of coffee at the mall,some flowers,anything that makes you feel better and rewarded for the hard work you are doing alone.
Sometimes friends are waiting for you to tell them how things are going so don't hesitate to reach out to your closest friend and just tell them that this is hard,you won't tell them the details if they don't want to hear them,but you just need to know they are there.
It's important to feel connected as this is such hard lonely work.look after you,it's important,
Hi just believe, it's a long struggle to get them weight restored and beyond ,when our d first began restricting almost 2 years ago and I read that recovery can take a long time I had no idea how difficult it could be. Keep breathing ,take a walk by the sea , cry on your own release all the tension I have been at my wits end a lot tomorrow is a new day and just coming on here reading other people s posts made me realise I can do this. Try to talk to one close friend and if you can't keep venting here . We are our children's only real saviours. Getting good professional help can be difficult to find. I find that looking back to where we were this time last year helps. Brain healing takes a lot longer than weight restoration. Sending you warm thoughts .
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary.