F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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how do you convince your adult daughter she cannot tackle her eating disorder on her own. She is abusive and very angry with her family. Where do you draw the line with abusive behavior. The. ED is destroying everything 
I am so sorry that your D continues to suffer. I think the first thing that we can do is to protect ourselves, that is abuse is not to be tolerated even if someone is ill. 

As for convincing her she can't do it all herself. I think that is a pointless quest. When their brains are overtaken by ED we really can't convince them of what is going on. What we can do is raise concerns about behaviours and observations that we see. We can encourage them to seek help. We can offer assistance but we cannot force them to take it. The more leverage we have in terms of finance the more we can require them to do certain things but this is not the same as convincing them of anything. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Hi Direstraits
Welcome but sorry you have had to find you way here 
hopefully you can get some ideas and info on the site
my d is 20 but was diagnosed at 17
its so much harder when they are an adult 
but you can still help your d
is you d working? 
Do you have anything you can use as leverage?
we used car, and $$ as my d wasn’t working at the start of her journey (just started part time now) 
so there are things she still can’t afford so on the condition she keeps her appts we pay for certain things for her 
does your d see she needs help?
my d knew she needed help it’s weird as a lot on the site say their kids can’t see they are sick, my d did know (she couldn’t see herself as thin) but did know something she couldn’t control was happening and was very confused, she did in fact see herself as fat when she looked more like a skeleton 

I re-fed my d initially myself without any expert help but then she relapsed and was extremely ill and was admitted to IP
can you agree with your d to either go to a GP for a talk and/for referral onto services or if she will agree to be assessed at a treatment centre/hospital 
maybe that’s s conversation you could start with?

i found I had to always be (pretend) to be calm, positive and loving this can  and is extremely hard as it’s the ED that’s being horrible not your d
if you can try to seperate the ED from your d and talk to your d who is still there more than likely desperate for your help 

I’ve made so many mistakes it’s not funny but try to show your d you care and love her and want to get her the help she needs so she can have a full and happy life
It depends a bit on how depended she is and if she lives with you. Is she living alone and financially independent? That is a difficult case. If she still lives with you and you pay bills, you can set rules. Abusive and violent/angry beahviour is not acceptable. In any family.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hello.  I am wondering, since I do not see another post from you here, Direstraits, if you are still visiting ATDT.  I really do understand the abusive behavior piece and how disruptive it can be to the entire family.  
Since I have not been on here too much, I do not know where you live.  I will ask the same question as Tina72:  Does your adult daughter live with you or separately?
 If with you and the behavior is continuing, request firmly that she go to her room and chill out for awhile.  Years ago when my daughter was still living with us I was referred to a long list of statements that one can make to either redirect or shut down the comments such as “I will not continue this conversation if you are going to treat me like this” or “I can see why you may not agree but we cannot enable behavior that is not consistent with you becoming successfully independent” or “let’s continue this discussion when you can be more civil for I do want to help you but not when I am spoken to this way.”  
I also researched and put together  a list of local shelters where she could safely go if things got to the point she needed to leave the house.  Is there a relative to whose home she could fo for a few days?
This situation is really tough, I know.  I hope perhaps things have been better since you posted.  
PS   I found this document to be quite helpful.  This is not to imply that this diagnosis is relevant for your daughter.  Rather, there are a lot of good tips here when things get chaotic that might help calm the atmosphere in your home.   https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/family-guidelines/
I have finally got round to reading this -it is excellent.   Well done for highlighting it Peregrine.

Moderators - can this be saved to the relevant section on the website?  It is really useful for helping any family cope with a child who experiences extreme distress, even without a diagnosis of BPD.

A lot of parents on here struggle with the extreme feelings and behaviours that present with an ed child and this article presents offers some great strategies for helping manage these situations and will make parents feel less alone.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
I agree that this is a very helpful 'read' for parents and families of kids with extreme distress.  Not necessary to have a diagnosis of BPD.  I've saved it in my own file of resources and will suggest it be accessible on the main F.E.A.S.T. website.
Thank you so much peregrine for providing the link.  I also noted that it is available to download/print in Spanish, French & Italian, as well as English.
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou