F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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WeRnotdone
Hello,
  D has been making a steady weight gain. We do blind weigh ins with a nutritionist who is great. Went through 3 to find this one.
   D is 17 and has been dealing with AN for 2 years. We have yet to get her to a healthy BMI. Her nutritionist said she believed she is about halfway in gain to her goal. This is causing more anxiety in D. She notices her breast getting bigger and sometimes she is happy with this. I tell her she is growing into a women. She still paces around feels like she can’t sit. She is very looks focused loves clothes and styling them. I try to keep her mind on other things. Her job, looking forward to college her senior year of high school. All she can focus on is her looks. Part of me hates our society, social media and all the admiration to people who are thin. Not many of us are built this way. I am trying to persevere through this hoping her therapist and time will help her to fully heal. D is worried about putting on too much weight. To make things worse, family members make comments like, “she looks great” you are doing a great job. Because she’s not emaciated anymore but still not a weight she can maintain. You just keep going, right?
D Diagnosed with AN age 15 around 9/2017. First regression close to WW wanting to eat healthier. 2nd regression started self harm with inpatient stay for suicidal thoughts. 18 now and fighting to get out of 3rd down slide.
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Ellesmum
You just keep going yes, and you also tell family members that talking about appearance stops right now if it happens in her presence, it’s not helpful. 

Hard though, it’s so ingrained isn’t it? 
Ellesmum
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WeRnotdone
It really is, family members are grand parents. I tell them and they forget. They are older and live in other states so we don’t see them much which is probably best.
  Hard to heal from an illness many people don’t understand. She’s making good progress and I am thankful for that but all her worry about her body changing makes me worry she’ll relapse. Or have an extinction burst I have read about here.
D Diagnosed with AN age 15 around 9/2017. First regression close to WW wanting to eat healthier. 2nd regression started self harm with inpatient stay for suicidal thoughts. 18 now and fighting to get out of 3rd down slide.
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kazi67
WeRnotdone
yes keep pushing through, it sux it’s hard but it’s necessary so your d can be happy and enjoy life again
my d has been ill for 3 years now (eek!) 
BUT doing well now
it has been so very hard with lots of ups and downs and 2 lengthy IP stays she lost everything she had, everything! after a major relapse 

i feel your frustration we still have family members that the first thing they comment on is appearance “oh, looking great”, have you lost weigh” grrrrr

luckily my d is at a stage that we give each other the look and after they’ve gone we discuss how they absolutely have no idea
you think they would after the last 2 years she has spent in treatment , no job no life zilch 
in and out of hospital.
but no they just  don’t 🙁

unfortunately you either try to explain it (which I can’t anymore) and I shouldn’t have to or you debrief with d after 

Not sure if your d is seeing a ED specialised therapist but this might be a good time to start seeing one to talk about body images issues 
my d found it helpful 
It might it be necessary for your d and sometimes they can do more harm than good if you don’t find a good one
we have found though with our d it has taken a village and the mire help we can get the better 
just has to be the right help 
good luck 
x
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WeRnotdone
Kazi67,
  Glad your daughter is doing better. 😊 My daughter just came out of her 2nd relapse, took 5 horrible months. So tired of trying to explain to people. I just can’t do it anymore either. Every time I mention her disorder to school counselor or another Dr. like a Dermatologist they start talking and from their words they have no idea. This has made me more reclusive which is not in my nature at all. When you are going through this support from others who understand is priceless. When her disorder first started sometimes I felt like it was my fault. The Dr would talk to each of us in private, to make sure we weren’t abusing her. That is especially painful with having a close relationship with my D.
  She is seeing 2 good therapists. One we drive over an hour to see. The other is a psychologist. Plus a nutritionist. All are a great team and it has taken a couple of years to find this group. Now with her progressing and gaining she and I have to learn to weed out all the comments people make concerning her body whether good or bad. I think everyone should refrain from ever commenting on someone’s weight. Focus on something else. 👍
D Diagnosed with AN age 15 around 9/2017. First regression close to WW wanting to eat healthier. 2nd regression started self harm with inpatient stay for suicidal thoughts. 18 now and fighting to get out of 3rd down slide.
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kazi67
WeRnotdone
im glad to hear you have found your d a good team
i also spent some time seeing a ED specialised therapist and it really helped me
as you say speaking to someone who understands really is priceless and she gave me lots of little strategies that really did help me
i was at the point of not being able to leave the house without bursting into tears though and I knew I HAD to do something (borerline complete mental breakdown)
Yes this illness effects the whole family on so many levels and we all need support not just our poor kids 
I am very close with my d too and found being pushed out of the treatment incredibly difficult too, I felt like they were putting a wedge between us and in  doing so it seemed like somehow they were blaming me 

you realise as i do now IT IS NO WAY YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!

i would recommend you keep your d in treatment as when we took our d out as that’s when it all seemed like nothing was helping (my d words)she relapsed
especially with your d coming up to 18, legally you don’t need to be included unless you d agrees which I also find really difficult 

BUT her appointments (that I pay for) are our security blanket that she needs to keep the ED away
i can say after 3 long years of not knowing if we were ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel my d life is slowly coming back to normal 
she is happy, working, socialising and just a joy to be around (even though now she kind of has left home) eek!!! Yes add that to my mix or stress 
BUT it warms my heart after all she has been through, I can tell you I honestly thought she would never get better and at one stage (2nd IP admission) I had accepted that

everyday I get loving msgs from my d and when she visits she tells me how much she loves me
i only wish we didn’t have to all go though the pain and suffering but once you get your d back it is worth all the stress/worry, sleepless nights and tears
try to do something nice for yourself today, even if it’s just listening to music 
music truly is healing and helped me get through 
Hang in there!
your d needs you!
x
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WeRnotdone
Kazi67,
  Thank you so much for the encouragement. It makes me so happy to hear your daughter is doing well and out on her own. I want that for my daughter as well. I plan to have her in therapy for quite some time as well as regular blind weigh ins to help monitor relapse. I want her to keep progressing so she can have her life back. I so badly want her to be able to attend college in a year. All the best to you and your family.😊
D Diagnosed with AN age 15 around 9/2017. First regression close to WW wanting to eat healthier. 2nd regression started self harm with inpatient stay for suicidal thoughts. 18 now and fighting to get out of 3rd down slide.
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