F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Sammy
I just need advice for how to get through Christmas Day and Boxing Day celebrations.
My 13yr D is still in the refeeding stage after a long 6 months. Finally got her to WR last week but now she is restricting again despite using LSTYE (life stops till you eat). During the restricting days she literally ends up on her bed all day with no simulation around her. She's not allowed to do anything till she eats. Once she starts eating again she has to make up the calories lost during the restrictive period. The restricting started again last night. What do I do if this continues on Christmas Day. We are attending celebrations at relatives houses on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Do I just ignore the ED behaviour during these 2 days and let D do what she wants and take up the fight again once Christmas is over? I don't want to ruin everyone else's Christmas by creating conflict to try and make D eat. Our house is already a lonely and depressing place on what should be a lovely Christmas Eve :-( and I don't want things to get even worse tomorrow.
What should I do?
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lisaNJ_US
Sammy

Last year at Xmas, we too spent the day with family and were in the beginning of the refeeding process. We were about 1 month into the treatment and D was not even close to WR.  Just because it was the holiday, we weren't going to let ED get off easy.  We told D before we got to the house what was expected. We made sure that D ate/drank as required.  D didn't want to be embarrassed in front of family. We were willing to do anything that was necessary to make sure she ate.  Guess who won?? Give up? We did. ED lost and continues to lose. I realize how sad of a time it is now dealing with the ED but if you want to get through this quickly, don't be easy. 

Good luck. Happy Holidays! Let us all know how your Xmas and Boxing Day celebrations turn out.
Lisa NJ Mom to daughter dx AN (Nov. 2013) at age 10. WR April 2014. ~There is light at the end of the tunnel.~
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Torie
If she isn't eating enough, could you take your d and go somewhere else to eat (i.e., continue the stand-off)?
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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galanick
My d has been wr for a little while but I find she restricts if something she does not feel she is ready to handle is coming up.

She never had exercise issues and team has been encouraging her to do play exercise. She signed up for after school volleyball team. The day of first practice she restricted. Next few days of school, she ate. Next practice she restricted and missed school again so I took her off team. If she is restricting can't be on team. I thought she would be upset. Instead she thanked me. Ed would not let her quit, but it was very triggering. I asked her why she just didn't tell me, and she sort of said Ed didn't want her to quit.

Last year, d was discharged from ip dec 23. We were celebrating at my brothers 2 hr away. Typically we would stay over night at his house. Instead we made plan to come home each night to take care of puppy. That way we had an easy out, if dinner didn't go well we would just go home a little early. We would have breakfast and lunch at home so we only had to do the one meal.

If she is restricting I would think about what is she worry about. Is she worried about eating in front of people, particular person who is dieting or very vocal about things. Worried someone who will comment on wr gain? This may be her way of telling you she is worried or not ready. Would think about making plans so you can have an out of it is not going well. Plan to go late , leave early, skip a really stressful event. My d will never till me until after I figure things out. Let the mom spidey sence guide you?

Good luck, keep expectations low and go with the flow
eeyore
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Radcliffe
We made Xmas fit around our d eating when we were at this stage.

We did everything we always do at Xmas but made adaptions. For eg. we all went to the table for breakfast before presents, we ate our Xmas dinner at the time we ate every day instead of when we usually have Xmas lunch. She had to have all meals and snacks as usual. I think this is so important that eating comes before everything - including Xmas!

When we visited relatives we didn't stay for food as we usually do but stayed a few hours and then left and ate somewhere else where our d could (just about) manage.

Last year when we visited the relatives we stayed for food but it was tense and our d couldn't put the food out herself. This year I am hoping she will be able to help herself.

Eating comes before everything. Especially what other people think. It doesn't matter if you have to explain something to your family. They should know what you are going through to some extent. Obviously they will never really know the half of it. You are doing an amazing job.

Prioritise your d and her eating. Any nice Xmas moments are a bonus at this stage but it won't last for ever and it will be worth it!!!!
Mum of recovering 16 year old daughter. 4 years into recovery.
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