F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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roadtorecovery
We are new to this disease and I need some help in telling our family members (specifically grandparents) who are loving but do not understand mental health issues about my daughter's anorexia.  She doesn't look anorexic (yet) but she's 100% anorexic in her mind.  We are hoping we can get her to a rehab center soon but she's over 18 and this complicates things...

Anyway, is there a letter or a pamphlet I can pass along to the grandparents to educate them on this disease?  As with most people of their generation, they aren't the most tackful, make comments about their weight (one grandparent definitely has some sort of disordered eating - binge eating, she hides candy and is obsessed with sweets), other grandma, makes comments about "fat nana" etc.  Neither of these behaviors are doing anything positive for my daughter.  

It's not our fault as parents and I'm sure there will be blame thrown our way.   

Any material would be helpful.  It will hold more weight with both sets of grandparents if it is not something that I wrote but rather something that came from someone else.  
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US_Mom
I gave family members these two things to read because they weren't too long but explained what she and we are going through. Family members didn't think anything was wrong with our D because she acted perfectly normal in front of them. 

http://www.blog.drsarahravin.com/eating-disorders/emotional-anorexia/

and 

https://smile.amazon.com/Survive-FBT-Undertaking-Treatment-Adolescent/dp/0994474601/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?keywords=Survive+FBT%3A+Skills+Manual+for+Parents+Undertaking+Family+Based+Treatment+%28FBT%29+for+Child+and+Adolescent+Anorexia+Nervosa&qid=1555008804&s=books&sr=1-1-fkmrnull

We still got the tactless comments, though, like my H and I "need parenting classes," "she's just rebelling like all teenagers," and "she just needs some happiness in her life." 

I hope these help your family and you!
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scaredmom
Hello and welcome.
I do hope you find the resources you are looking for and support you need.

Would they be able to look at the FEAST website for the family guides? That would bee very helpful so that the info is objective and they can search many topics as they wish.

I understand that sometimes it is best heard from others than family. 
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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debra18
I told my mother to read Brave Girl Eating. It happens to be a well written book and interesting too if they enjoy reading.
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roadtorecovery
Thank you.  I'm wondering if there is simply an article that just states what AN is and how they have voices telling them awful things and that they are not themselves and to be compassionate.  And then the do not do's...no weight speak, appearance talk, etc etc.  
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scaredmom
Here you go:
https://simplebooklet.com/diagnosisguide#page=9

https://simplebooklet.com/neuroguide#page=0

This may be a really good one to start:  https://www.feast-ed.org/how-others-can-help/
These may be a start. 

I hope that helps
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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blehbleh
I just found this and sent it to my family this morning.  My mom said it was helpful!   https://d28lcup14p4e72.cloudfront.net/4830/4075776/Telling%20People.pdf
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kazi67
Welcome roadtorecovery
sorry that you have joined the club no one ever wanted to join
my d is also over 18 although diagnosed at 17
unfortunately in some of our family and friends they just don’t seem to understand the complexities of this illness
evrn though they have seen the struggle my d has had and spent the last 12 months in and out of 2 lengthy IP admissions as well as 2 lengthly OP stays (and her working her but off everyday to fight this dreadful illness)
my councillor said to me recently (which has been very helpful) “stop trying to explain it to others”
seriously unless your living with ED in the house they sometimes just don’t get it
even my non ED older d, who my d went to spend some time with (who I explained how serious this illness was and gave her LOADS of info, explained all the relapse warning  signs),  she managed to not notice ED d to loose all her weight plus more 🙁
on return home my d went straight into an specialised IP hospital for 8 weeks followed by another 8 week intensive OP programme and to this day my ED struggles (but fights it) EVERY DAY!!!
Do not listen to their hurtful comments 
I’m not trying to be negative, just letting you know that even family sometimes cannot see what’s going on infront of their very eyes
i think us mammas know our kids (no matter what age) it’s a sense we have 
Put your energy into getting your d well, not trying to change ignorant/judgemental  peoples mindsets
unfortunately this can be a lonely road due to this, but also why this forum is so valuable 
everyone understands here 
hopefully your family and friends are more understanding 
just giving you our experience 
good luck and hope you can get the treatment your beautiful d needs and deserves x
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kazi67
if you google Dr Laura Hill Ted talks she has a very good video that can help to understand what the kids go through and the “noise” in their heads
i had the pleasure of meeting this amazing passionate woman at a workshop recently 
x
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roadtorecovery
Thank you.  
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Mamaroo
Here is the video Kazi has mentioned. It is really great:

D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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tina72
My MIL did not understand too and I also gave her "Brave girl eating" by Harriet Brown as it is no scientific book but kind of a novel or biography and it is easy to read (and was the only book available in German to be honest). She found it more easy to compare my ds behaviour with that kid in the book although mine was so much older too. But it took some time and a good amount on foot kicks under the table to make her stop saying bad things about other peoples figure, fat, fat people, body size in general... you do could not imagine before ED moved in how many time people talk about those things...
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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