F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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tina72

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Reply with quote  #1 
Talking to other families I often experience that the mums see what they need to do and that it would be worth to give FBT a try but often the dads seem to be more suspicious and need to be convinced by facts. Why? Any ideas how to convince the dads?
Tina72

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toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi Tina, 
What a fantastic idea.
Here is a selection of my favourite links for Dads.



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toothfairy

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toothfairy

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https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/anorexia-nervosa-highest-mortality-rate-of-any-mental-disorder-why

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/health-consequences

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toothfairy

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https://www.canped.ca/modules/module1a

https://www.canped.ca/modules/module2a

https://www.canped.ca/modules/module3a

https://www.canped.ca/modules/module4a

https://www.canped.ca/modules/module5a

https://www.canped.ca/modules/module6a

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toothfairy

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https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/sites/default/files/Toolkits/ParentToolkit.pdf
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http://www.maudsleyparents.org/whatismaudsley.html
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https://www.mirror-mirror.org/getting-your-child-to-eat.htm
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http://www.nyeatingdisorders.org/pdf/AED%20Medical%20Management%20Guide%203rd%20Edition.pdf
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https://mobile.nytimes.com/2006/11/26/magazine/26anorexia.html?referer=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2F
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debra18

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Reply with quote  #15 
My husband didn't agree either but he allowed me to try. I stopped working and because he was the one supporting the family I took care of the refeeding. I think he still doesn't totally understand but as long as my daughter is getting better, he is supportive. Actually, it was good at some points when my daughter was mad at me and not talking to me, she went to him.
believingbody1

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Reply with quote  #16 
As a dad and step dad, I think one of the blocks many men experience in accepting there is a problem relates to feelings of failure. Many men feel it is their role to be a protector for their family. They are the ones who feel responsible for keeping them safe and when ED threatens that safety men may have a hard time accepting it. There could also be guilt that they are at fault. I questioned that myself. My step d is an allstar basketball player. I encouraged her to get better through hard practices, gaining muscle, etc. There are many dads who can say the same. I questioned if I help contribute to her ED switch flipping. I grew up with the type of father who if I fell or got hurt told me to suck it up. Many dads may not be able to understand why their child can't suck it up and eat. Plus a lot of men are wired different. Women tend to be more emotional, and in touch with their emotions, where as men deal better with facts. Emotions are intangible but facts dads can fix. Similar to a broken toy. Show me what needs fixed and then I will go into my tool box and fix it. Traditionally speaking, it usually falls on mom to deal with emotions, tantrums, kiss the boo boo ie be the care taker while the dad is the provider. This obviously doesn't apply to all men, women and families but may be a factor as to why some men need more "convincing". 
debra18

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Reply with quote  #17 
Did you mean convincing dad's that the child has a problem or convincing them which type of treatment works best?
hopefulmama

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Reply with quote  #18 
This was so hard for my husband and I think BB, he felt much the way you did.  He was used to fixing things and he couldn't fix this.  He also was frustrated with me because I was chafing against what the "experts" were saying and he didn't understand why we couldn't trust them.

In the end, the thing that helped him the most was hearing an ED educated MD talk about the physical side of ED AND talking to another dad.  My h is admittedly the furthest thing from a touchy freely guy and would not like to talk to someone he doesn't know well about personal things.  It wasn't shame about our daughter's illness, he just basically doesn't like talking to people he doesn't know! [biggrin] (Unlike me who will talk to anyone forever about anything.)

He met a dad on this forum kind of through work and kind of through me and he actually agreed to meet over coffee to talk about their work because they were in the same business.  Little work was discussed and more anorexia.  It was almost 5 years ago and I can't tell you how much it helped him. A great friendship was formed. 

He even agrees to speak with other dads now because it helped him so much. 


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deenl

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Reply with quote  #19 
We had a dad here who found it difficult to get his head around the whole thing. He struggled to understand but, as with all the important things in our lives, he came through after letting it perculate in his mind for a bit.

On the one hand he was the one who noticed that we had a really big problem and began encouraging our son to eat more straight away. I, on the other hand, was worried we were making a mountain out of a molehill or would make the whole situation more stressful. [frown]

But H is an engineer and it seemed so logical for him to deconstruct the history, find where it went wrong and fix the problem. It took weeks and the involvement of a super ED doc to get his head around the whole idea that it didn't matter what had happened in the past, that the switch was flipped and the way back was structure and food and love. I accepted this idea much quicker.

I guess you see the value of being a team, we both had our strong points although the couple of months it took for us to get on the same page were emotionally brutal, horrific really.

I really love Carrie Arnold's book Decoding Anorexia as a in-depth combination of the science behind anorexia nervosa and her personal insights as a recovered patient. I wish she had written other books on topics such as depression & anxiety or other eating disorders. 

In the end H supported and still supports the family based intervention and nutritional rehabilitation. He was my coach at the end of the phone when I was dealing with the early hell of refeeding, he gave lots of attention to the other kids, he earned the money to allow me to be home full time and he was the one our ED son turned to for companionship and support when all the stress/anger of recovering from ED was razor focused on me among 1,000 other things. 

It was tough but we got there in the end.

Warm wishes,

D

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2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #20 
Quote:
Originally Posted by debra18
Did you mean convincing dad's that the child has a problem or convincing them which type of treatment works best?


Sorry debra18, you are right, I didn´t say it clear:
I meant how to convince the Dads to give FBT a try and do that extraordinary ED-parenting although some kids are nearly adult.
Tina72

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d off to University now 22 months after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
debra18

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Reply with quote  #21 
Nobody in my area knows about FBT. It was difficult for my husband to understand that the pediatrician could be wrong or other people who seemed to know that there must be underlying issues. I am embarrassed to say that as a clinical social worker I never heard of FBT. I go to trainings and get my ceus and still the top professionals are talking about underlying issues, and old methods of treatment.
AUSSIEedfamily

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Reply with quote  #22 
Get the reluctant dads to read my posts!! Any that are near Chicago can meet me at the F.E.A.S.T of Knowledge day and the AED's ICED conference

It was a very special mum who got me onto the right path. Jan Clarke the mother of Bronte Cullis tough me about ED and put me intouch with what I needed to learn!!

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