Registered: 1453123417 Posts: 135
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I have locked myself in the bathroom and cant seem to stop crying,we have been on this bloody nightmare of a journey for over two years and now my other daughter, my ed daughters identical twin is starting to show similar signs.I just want some peace in my life,my mum has terminal cancer,if both of my daughters get ed I will go bonkers.How do you keep going without losing your mind.All I can think about is getting in my car and never coming home.
Registered: 1431767540 Posts: 1,960
Reply with quote #2
I'm so sorry berry.sometimes the burden feels too great .on those days when I want to run far away I have found some things help more than others.it sounds like you might need to get some self care going for you. Whether this is walking,by yourself or with a friend,going to the gym, finding a therapist to talk to -what can you change in practical terms to make your life 5% easier?
When I was where you are in despair I had a therapist I talked to most weeks,I learned to go back to places which brought me comfort -the gym,the library,the garden shop,the beach.i learned to commit time for myself and accept that during those times my d might do things that weren't great-but were survivable.because I had to survive too.
I went on medication.
I did,in actual fact, run away.i caught a bus to the city.from there I went to a local island,about forty minutes away.i stayed out for hours.in the end I only went back in some ways because I was cold and had left home without a jacket.i came home,had a massive fight with my husband that cleared the air and I learned something.no matter where I went that day I carried all my problems with me.no matter where I ran,there I was.in the end I had to accept that life was crap but it was my life and I had to find a way through.
I want you to know that it is ok to feel despair.but you have to promise yourself and someone else that you commit to surviving this.
I had to promise a psychiatrist that I would survive til morning once.this is a hard journey, and pretending those moments of utter despair don't happen helps nobody.during those times I couldn't be helped by putting big girl knickers on-I already was wearing them,they just weren't helping at that moment.
I couldn't be told about my daughters suffering, I was in so much pain,not just from her suffering but from my other children's, my husbands and my own, that to hear that I should put her suffering first would have potentially tipped me over the edge.
What I needed were many kind words, listening ears and for people to say that it sucked and it wasn't fair.i needed acknowledgement of my pain without any others pain coming into the conversation.
So I'm here and I'm listening and I'm really hoping that something I've said helps.please reach out to people in real life as well as here.you are worth it,never forget that.love to you and hugs __________________ Sotired42
Registered: 1496061527 Posts: 1,384
Reply with quote #3
I´m so sorry that it is so hard for you at the moment. There are times when we think we could not stand anything more. I too wanted to leave and never come back again sometimes. But then I thought about that life we had before ED hit us and it was a good life. I remembered all the nice things we had and even if that made me more crying at that point, I also recognized what I would give up. As long as there was a little chance to get a bit of our former life back, I would fight. And I did and today I would say we have about 70% of our former life back. I know it will never be the same. But I can live with that. It might possible that your ED d twin has ED too because it is more often dx with twins. But if that is the case, you know what to do and you can catch it very early. As Sotired said, try to do something nice for yourself. You need to find some peace to avoid going crazy. Go and find some help for yourself. You need to be fit and you need to survive that to be able to help your ds. Try to do something nice with your mum. It is so hard and it is not fair what we need to stand. Nobody told you after giving birth to your child that this could happen. Nobody prepared us for what we must do now. But that is the price we have to pay being able to love somebody. Come here and vent if needed. We have ears and hearts wide open for you. You are not alone. Send you a huge hug from Germany, Tina72
Registered: 1450168170 Posts: 989
Reply with quote #4
Hi berry 75,
I am so sorry that life has conspired to give you so many challenges at once. I think the absolute priority now is to find help and support for you. I would advise you to visit your GP and discuss medication and some form of therapy or other support for you. I am a very resilient person but I needed to do this too. I could not have helped my son and the rest of the family without medication to calm the severe emotional stress I was feeling. Please make an emergency appointment for yourself as soon as possible. Sending you strength and courage and a big cyber hug, D __________________ 2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid. May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles.
Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle. If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination ) We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Registered: 1438737617 Posts: 1,541
Reply with quote #5
Berry, I'm really sorry life is throwing so much at you all at once. Running away while it looks good never really works because wherever I went-there I was and the problems still went with me. I know things look bleak. I wish I could say it would get better but I suspect the other twin who is already showing signs is going have Ed. The good part of that is that you know how to deal with this. You are not a newbie. The bad part is you know what that entails and the struggles. I'm thinking about you and your family. Keep swimming as Torie says-tread water when you are tired and take time out when you know you are sinking. Don't forget to get yourself help in all of this. I'm not going into putting your big girl pants on because that used to seriously piss me off
Just know you are not alone in this!!
Registered: 1436500021 Posts: 940
Reply with quote #6
Sending a virtual hug to you. We all understand how hard this is. Can you try to plan something nice for yourself? How about a bubble bath with a scented candle burning in the bathroom with the lights low? Or a massage? My mother was also very ill while we were going through some of the worst times with our daughter. A heart valve replacement and then a pelvis broken in two places. Both with long long months of recovery and having to talk her down off the ledge a few times. Helping to pack up our 88 and 90 year old parents from their house, to move them into an assisted living. Helping my daughter. Therapy, drs. appointments, Working. Totally exhausting. But you will get through this. Perhaps a visit to a therapist or perhaps trying some medication could also be helpful. Some of Eva Musby's meditations were also helpful for me. warmly, Kali __________________ Food=Love
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 5,087
Reply with quote #7
Oh dang. I'm so sorry for all life is throwing at you right now. Please remember that we're with you in spirit. Hang in there. xx
-Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡
Registered: 1475622423 Posts: 74
Reply with quote #8
omg my heart is broken for you but the only consolation is i too have ran away and came back as i know that by not fighting for these gorgeous lovelies in our life is just not an option.
i am heart broken and have been driving away on numerous time over the last 2 years & can say we are out of the woods yet by any stretch of the imagination. it is a massive challenge and i keep praying that one day our lives we will have a pep in our step whereas the moment it is like wading through treacle very slowly... no one can empatise as well as all the parents on this forum and we have those shocking down days and i certainly for one cannot cope well, i have tried to relax through meditation and walks but sometime to be honest my thoughts are still very upsetting and negativity takes hold. my 15 yr D is still fighting not wgt restored and has internal battle on going please remember to be kind to yourself and take care with you in spirit. A.xx
Registered: 1435435970 Posts: 370
Reply with quote #9
My advice is to get yourself a psychopharmacologist or psychiatrist who can prescribe you medications to help you through this very difficult time. I used anti-depressants and tranquilizers, and it made all the difference. It gave me strength to do what I needed. It was a short-term thing, after a few months I stopped using both.
Registered: 1453123417 Posts: 135
Reply with quote #10
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement,I woke up here across the other side of the world from you all and had so many messages of support.It really does make me realise this is a world wide issue and I am not alone even if I feel like Iam sometimes.Thanks again
Registered: 1501860766 Posts: 134
Reply with quote #11
You are not alone berry75!!
Unfortunately We all understand
The down days can be so very hard I remember saying to my h I'm done I'm off you deal with it and drove to the beach and sat and cried for around 3-4 hours
This was after he decided it was a good idea to have an arguement with me infront of d about finishing her meal
I just had no one to talk to that understood how this was effecting our every day every hour and minute and watching my d become a shadow of her former self was unbearable
The frustration I have felt all bottled up inside me, the sheer exhaustion from worry and lack of sleep, no one except us other parents get it, eventually I came home and the next day was a new day (had the discussion with h about not siding with ED)
BUT believe it does get better and there IS hope (even on the days it doesn't feel like it)
Don't give up on your precious gorgeous d!
Who else is going to fight for her?
You can do this x
Registered: 1495137538 Posts: 184
Reply with quote #12
Hi Berry. I am with you. I am also at a state of losing my mind currently. I don't have an advice as I am also trying to figure out how to get thru days and nights. I guess a day at a time. I am also an emotional wreck. , and also considering regular meds for the time being, as my last resort. I am truly sorry for the extra hardship you are going through. Thinking of you. Xxx
Registered: 1494357582 Posts: 208
Reply with quote #13
Dear Berry, I didn’t listen to my friends when I was so down.. I didn’t think I had time because I was so consumed with taking care of my d. I couldn’t sleep. I had no appetite. I started shivering and gagging when I brushed my teeth. I lost 20 lbs and started making myself drink ensure as I had no aspetite. I felt guilty about this.. How can I make her eat when I gag so easily and have no appetite? The body reacts under such intense pressure. I finally got meds and started talking to friends, then a therapist. Wish I had done it sooner, as I was so down, hopeless and alone. Take time for yourself. You deserve a life too, and you can’t help them if your not taking care of yourself. I’ll keep you in my prayers. God bless.
Registered: 1268143852 Posts: 1,395
Reply with quote #14
Dear Berry, I feel for you so much! There is some excellent advice here and we are always here for you. Like the others, I've 'run away' - just felt like driving into the sunset and never coming back. Or simply hiding under my duvet. I hope you can take some strength in knowing that we have 'been there', too, to varying degrees. With us it was just one child, thankfully, although while we were going through this my dad was very sick and passed away, as did my best and most supportive friend. I thought I would lose my mind... It is so hard to focus on much-needed self care when all of this is going on around you and you can't just switch off your mind. If only!
Big hugs from me. xxxx __________________ Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.
Registered: 1438737617 Posts: 1,541
Reply with quote #15
There is nothing wrong with "running away" when you need it!! Been there and done that. I know if I'm feeling that desperate, I need some time out. I can't help anyone when I feel like that so take some time. As much as we say this is a marathon and not a sprint, I think at times we all still treat it like a sprint especially in the middle of refeeding. There are times when something is more important than food and that is the mental health of the person providing the food.
Registered: 1453123417 Posts: 135
Reply with quote #16
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through,my divorce,my mothers terminal diagnoses all seem easy to deal with in comparison.We have had moments of happiness in the last few years but they are fleeting with the constant shadow of ED always lurking in the shadows.Will I ever prepare a meal again without feeling anxiety before putting it on the table.Its the long termness of this illness that is so draining.Thanks for all of your encouragement,I always know where to come for support.I haven't asked for any for a while but it was lovely to see some old names I remembered and some new ones.I just wish none of us needed to be here.
Registered: 1268143852 Posts: 1,395
Reply with quote #17
It is the hardest thing we have been through and you're facing a really tough time, Berry. And, no, it's not short-term. I laugh (in an ironic, mirthless way!) when I remember how, at the start of my son's treatment, I was asking things like: "How many sessions will he need?" and "How many weeks before he's back to normal?"
But the Good News is that, as your child does begin to recover slowly, you will feel more encouraged. Slight improvements will feel like a cause for celebration and you will reach points where, when you look back to see how far you've come over, say, the past 6 months, you will see a marked improvement which will make you want to jump up and down. You will watch the ED slowly fade away as you get your child back. I hope this does encourage you, Berry, even if you end up facing tough times until you reach a point where the illness has dipped and your daughter begins to recover. And do keep coming back here for support or just to vent. xxxx __________________ Bev Mattocks, mother of 24-year old male DX with RAN 2009, now recovered. Joined this forum in 2010 - it was a lifesaver.