F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Megan_Wales
Hello again to some of the strongest people I know ❤️

After my daughters recovery at 18 we have remained incredibly close, we have got her through uni, coming out and heartache but it has all caught up with her and we are back fighting this insidious disease ( well I am trying to fight for us both at this stage)

The situation as an adult is SO much more difficult, she is living an hour away and working full time as a cook for Wetherspoons. After discovering ju jitzu she started training 5 times a week and didn’t up her calories as advised and now we are in the situation that she has only eaten 3 times in the last month. Things reached a climax on Thursday when after not drinking for 4 days we with the help of very understanding police managed to get her to hospital A&E where she was deemed medically fit to be seen by the mental health team and then just walked out when they deemed her to have capacity.

Our relationship is still good but I am apparently powerless. I have contacted her manager by text this morning to arrange a meeting to explain the situation more fully (she has told him bits of it and signed papers that I assume say she is fit to work) I have reached out to her trainer but although he seems to have some insight he doesn’t realise how precarious her health is right now. 

I guess why why I am here again is to find out what others in my situation have done 💕
My lovely daughter is 18 years old. After 6 months of inpatient treatment she is home, eating and generally happy. Proud member of the "Purple Bracelet Army"
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Foodsupport_AUS
So sorry to hear that your D has relapsed. It is so much harder when they are adults and independent. We have little leverage. It is concerning that the hospital thought she was medically well enough when she had not eating/drunk for some days. 

In adults of this age unfortunately there is a lot of working around things to encourage her to seek and engage with treatment, holding out for not negotiables. Wishing you warm support. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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ValentinaGermania
For first aid:
Can you take her home for some summer holidays (or ask her to join you in a holiday appartment) to get her first aid with eating again and see how bad she is?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Enn
I do not have an adult child with ED so cannot speak to this specifically.
I am sorry you are going through this tough time.
I have found a few threads for you. I do hope that there is something in these that may help.
https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/adult-daughter-relapse-8881488?highlight=adult+relapse&pid=1297900767

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/adult-d-relapse-help-5079006?highlight=adult+relapse&pid=1267168263

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/im-back-and-fighting-a-relapse-8518294?highlight=adult+relapse&pid=1296366652

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/dealing-with-relapse-and-feeling-lost-9582124?highlight=adult+relapse&pid=1302639275

https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/multiple-relapses-and-adult-caring-8141534?highlight=adult+relapse&pid=1292549527

All the best,
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Kali
Dear Megan_Wales

So sorry that you are going through this again and that your daughter is relapsing.
You are probably an expert by this time at refeeding and helping her.
And since you are only an hour away can you spend more time with her? Perhaps you could do some cooking for her and then the two of you could eat together. If she will not engage in treatment there is always the option of having the family step in with more structured meal times and helping to  support her in that way, if possible. 

I have a young adult d. and have at various times spent time visiting with her in order to help her with her eating and weight gain.

It is truly appalling that the hospital would deem her competent when she has eaten and drunk so little.

Kali
Food=Love
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melstevUK
Hi Megan,

Sorry to hear about this latest episode. 
My question would be - how much insight does she have now? Does she recognise that she has to eat and get her weight up again? Will she give up the exercise temporarily? 
My own adult d relapsed a few times before true recovery occurred and she used to come home and build up her meal plan again with me supporting her. Will your own d do that? 
One of the diffuculties of her job is that she is likely to be doing shifts and shift patterns make regular eating and structures problematic so she probably needs help in managing that. 
I think you need to assess exactly where you d is at and see how willing she is to cooperate in moving things forward again.  It sounds as if she knows she is in trouble and doesn't know how to deal with it. 
You are well placed to help her if she will let you. 





Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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kkhrd
Is she asking you for help?  You know an awful lot about how often she exercises, and how much she has eaten, so I am presuming that she has told you this information.  This I would see as a good sign that she does want your help, and is letting you know how bad it has gotten.  If she was in denial she would not tell you these things, she would pretend that all is good.  I would keep pushing, keep open the lines of communication, let her know that you are there for her always no matter what.  Remind her of what it is like to be free of ED.  I feel so much for you right now.  I have a daughter getting ready to go off to college and I am so afraid of a relapse.  I will say a prayer for you and please let us know how it is going.
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marya88
Hi and I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's relapse. Dealing with the relapse of my late-20s son since December and I know it's so hard when they are adults. In my experience it seems that others in their social circle often have more pull than we do as parents. My son and I are close, but when others express concern it seems to have more influence on him. We have struggled over the difference between "supervision " and "support." For us, winning his trust that we are truly here to support him and not dictate rules for his life has gone a long way toward getting him to engage me in helping. Good luck. 
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