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scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #1 

I am really feeling stressed. Not by ED D but my oldest D. 
She will be 20 in one months, and at University half hour away.Has own car we pay everything at this time. 
As I am so sensitive to ED and those who are thin I can get anxious.
Well eldest D has lost some weight she is tall and thin but may have lost some weight . I am getting worried. When I confront her on weight loss she says she does not have ED and that she has seen younger sister go through that and that she does eat.  
I have seen she goes to some restaurants in city where her university is as I have control of the account so can see it on line. ie sushi, greek restaurants.I have put money into a food account at school too. That university has a food plan that the students can use at certain restaurants in that city too and I  cook and send food for at least 2-4 suppers per week.

But I am sooo scared. She has a Dx of borderline personality disorder and fights with me constantly (ie She says that  I am the cause of her illness and have to parent her better and validate all she feels all the time)So to say we have a strained relationship is putting it mildly.


She is eating breakfast, cereal or one egg and toast, sometimes some juice with it. She eats lunch ie mac and cheese from a box, she has eaten a brownie then supper but I feel some of the portions are too small. I see her drinking water more than juice. That scares me. Please tell me it is in my mind
Well I am scared she may be developing ED. I need reassurance ...

If she had ED I have leverage ie financial etc.. but she fights fights me on everything due to her BPD. 
It is hard to let go of ED in my mind I must say. Praying you all say it is in my mind only[confused]

What do you think.?I could not go through this again and with her in particular as she "hates" me and says she is an adult in one breath then says she needs me.
She will not go to a doctor(phobia and anxiety from her other issues) and we have no scale in the house.
 
Thanks for listening

scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #2 

Sorry I should add she DOES wish to go for high tea with me and friend.. so maybe she is ok ??

 

martican

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Reply with quote  #3 
scaredmom - I can imagine how hypersensitive we will all stay for the rest of our lives in watching the relationship of our kids and their food. What you described you observed could be valid points IF you are trying to find ED. But I also want for you not to get ruined by worries, and because I do not know your girls, I don't know what is normal for them. In my eyes, drinking more water than juice seems unalarming to me. What she eats for bfast is what I'd eat for bfast. Lunch - mac and cheese seems like a anti-ED choice to me. Same with brownie. Her eating out record is there.Is she eating dinners at home? Is she vegetarian? 
Is there a friend of hers you could discretely ask? Or suggest some eatings out to see what she orders (is that what high tea means?). Or invite her friends and cook hearty dinner? I don't have experience with YA, I am just throwing ideas that I think might be possible. 
I am the same with my son, he is 14. When I see he is eating irregularly, I just can't control my worries. Then things turn out ok, he still loves his burger king with bacon and root beer. But I push for regular meals even with him because that's what ED trained me. 
Sorry I didn't have many wise words, I am just pondering with you and I also hope it just your fear controlling your thoughts. xx
Torie

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Reply with quote  #4 
Oh dang, just because we're paranoid is no guarantee ED isn't following us, right?

I'll never forget how I felt when my non-ED d (off at university) happily announced that she was wearing one of her middle school outfits.  Shortly after announcing she was giving up desserts for the month.  She was FURIOUS when I insisted on the Pizza Challenge the next time I saw her.

And she was fine.  

I can't say about your d, but I CAN say it is normal to be paranoid after what we've been through.  All you can do is watch.  xx

-Torie

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"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
needhelp

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hi Scaredmom - Oh I am really sorry! While I always feel that moms have really good instincts about their kids - I do agree that the ED gets into all our heads, and it is hard to tell when we are truly seeing red flags, or seeing things through the ED lens.  The only thing I might suggest (I also have daughters) is that if you let her know you are concerned, a problem (ED or not) is likely to arise - so probably some discrete observations along with some of the suggestions made above, might lead you to a more objective view of your daughter's current eating and weight.  Unfortunately, it's not an immediate fix to your concerns (and I do apologize, because I also would want a reassuring answer NOW) - but perhaps you need to watch her over a period of a couple of weeks to see if she is losing weight, doing some of the weird ED eating behaviors, or just changing up her ways a bit. When we are overcome with a situation, it is so hard not to see the world through that lens - and of course, when we are looking at our loved ones - NObody wants to have another child go through this ED nightmare - so while I do think your concerns are understandable, only some time will tell if they will prove valid (I am truly hoping for NOT!). It may be best to keep a journal of what you observe, in person and online - so that you could compare your data without emotion.   
tina72

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hi scaredmom,
sometimes we see ED everywhere. That does not mean that ED IS everywhere. I would add my voice to the others and watch her over the next weeks. Try to invite her to a restaurant as often as possible. Try to do the pizza test. [biggrin]
Most patients develop ED much earlier. Cheese and brownies don´t ring my alarm bells. I would eat the same for breakfast and I do drink more water than juice, too.
Try to calm down a bit and give her 4 weeks or so to see if it was false alarm or not.
It is so sad what this damn disease does with us, too.
Tina72
clem

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Reply with quote  #7 
Hi Scaredmom,

I agree with what others say.

I teach at a university here in the UK and regularly witness changes in both female and male students, especially whilst they are in their 1st year, but Uni stresses and 'non parent present' = lots of new and developing social/educational interactions and thinking. It can be common that they go through weight changes, It's a complete lifestyle change for them and as they settle into a pace of university work, university life and who they really want to become in this world, it can often effect their eating habits. I do find from my perspective that most settle during the course of the 1st year. Sometimes 2nd and 3rd year can be full of pressures (or just a whole lot of fun) they are up at all sorts of hours, working on projects, in the library, researching and out having fun, becoming independent.

I also have a lot of experience with students who have anxieties, BPD, Autism, Asperger's - you name it. I teach in an a creative subject area, it seems to go with the turf. Students are not just students of higher education, they are really growing into the man/woman they want to be and figuring it out as well as proper independence and transferable skills for the first time....... A lot of parents tell me that they have to give their uni kids a lot more space than they anticipated.

Try the mini tests as mentioned, very casually. They sound like a great idea and maybe see if you can turn it around and let your d to come up with the idea herself.

Hope this helps
xx

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D15, Restrictive AN. 5' 8" and 48 - 50kg. Don't know, threw out the scales! Diagnosed and hospitalised in Sept 2017 for 9 days. At home since in recovery/relapse. In the trenches and tackling FBT.
Mamaroo

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Reply with quote  #8 
Just a quick note to add my voice to the others. I suddenly lost a lot of weight during a test week at university. Looking back I think it was just my puppy fat and I didn't continue the weight loss. I think if you just keep an eye on the weight loss now. I also see ED in everything 😉
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D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #9 

Thank you to all!

I really am traumatised by Ed. Now that ed D is better I cannot let go.

martican: you give me perspective. She is eating. I see her grab a brownie when she is a home. Yes I see her payments at restaurants, yes those behaviours would NOT be ED. ED D could not, would not go to restaurants. That really helps me.

Torie, I will watch. Yes it seems "normal" for us to be so paranoid. I just hate it, I really do.

Needhelp: ED Lens- got it. That is how I look at the world now. I sometimes want to grab someone to tell them to get help and I don't even know them!!! I have told nonED D that I am concerned and she says " I am not ED"- but we knopw that ed lies and lies... so..  Writing a journal would help to keep the emotions out. I will do that. Emotions really hi-jack us don't they? They seem to have paralysed me on many fronts. I want to be ME again and feel good about life.

Tina67, You are right cheese and brownies would really frighten ED so I draw comfort from that. I do not see avoiding certain foods but she sometimes says she wants to eat LESS meat but not no meat for the environment. She really cares about the planet and animals. She volunteered with the sea turtles in Costa RIca last summer. She will still have a good steak at a restaurant (just a few weeks ago - she hates  how I cook steak[smile])

clem your perspective at the university is so helpful. It is a stressful time for them. And with her BPD there is more than for the "average" student. Thank you .

mamaroo, I too lost weight in school due to stress. Yes I will watch her.

She is going out with me and friend tomorrow for High Tea at a nice tea house. She wanted to- Now that I see it in "black and white" it does look more normal than ED driven.

Oh man, when will it stop. I tell undernourished people how to increase calories thanks to the advice here. I need to have a break from ED, seriously. I need the "ed out of my head".

Thank you for your caring and understanding and kindness!! Big kiss!!



toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #10 
scaredmom,
How did High Tea go?

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Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #11 

OH toothfairy
Thanks for asking!

She did well. She ate  a large scone with clotted cream. A few sandwiches and cookies. And tea with sugar. So I think she is fine. I see on her account she is buying groceries too. So i feel that is a good sign
I have been thinking of you. How are you and your S doing?

 

XXX

hopefulmama

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Reply with quote  #12 
My daughter has been recovered for many years. A few weeks ago my non ED younger son (17) came home talking about how his AP Calculus teacher was challenging them to do a weekend water fast! Inside my head was screaming NOOOOO. I wanted to call the man and tell him to stick to calculus. I could not believe the visceral reaction I had. Here is the funniest part, this son is adopted so he doesn’t even share my d’s genes. I calmly talked to him about the genetic side of ED and how we don’t know if he has ED susceptible genes and that he was an active (plays three sports) and growing boy. He had not heard many of my arguments before I brought up ED, but that got his attention. It is amazing how we can go back to that place so quickly. I too can’t comment on your daughter, but sometimes a little time and caution is OK! I’m glad she did well at tea!
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Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #13 
scaredmom, I am so please to hear that!

We are doing great, thank you!
S doing great, enjoying life to the full, getting ready to head off on a big international school tour next week.
This time 3 years ago he missed  the school Euro tour , and was heading at high speed for hospital for 4 months.

We have kept up the monitoring and still watch him like a hawk. He still needs well over 4000 calories per day to keep him in recovery.
He still needs 3 meals and 2 snacks, every day without fail. He needs to be at a minimum BMI of 24. He is still growing age 16 and still needs to gain .

His recovery has not been without incident, but each bump was a learning opportunity, and we stool side by side with him and stepped straight in immediately and very aggressively again against the illness with any sign of relapse.

He is doing great, very happy, He has lots of friends, a GF, lots of hobbies and a summer job lined up.

Food is the medicine,
There is hope,
TF

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Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
clem

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Reply with quote  #14 
So pleased to hear High Tea went well Scaredmom! You must be extremely relieved.

Yaaaaaay!


xxxxx

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D15, Restrictive AN. 5' 8" and 48 - 50kg. Don't know, threw out the scales! Diagnosed and hospitalised in Sept 2017 for 9 days. At home since in recovery/relapse. In the trenches and tackling FBT.
tina72

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Reply with quote  #15 
"She ate  a large scone with clotted cream. A few sandwiches and cookies. And tea with sugar."
Yeah!!![thumb]
I think you can breath through as long as she is eating that. But better false alarm than no (or too late) alarm.
I am so happy for you!
[wave]
Tina72
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #16 
TF,
I am so happy for you all!
XXX
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thanks clem and tina72,
It was a relief.
XXX
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