F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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kas_US
Well, folks, it's time. I'm crying uncle. It has just gotten too overwhelming for me, and we need a higher level of care. My girl was dx'd at 14. Unable to find good help close to home, we refed at home totally solo, and while we made it, it almost killed me. She did great for a while, and then my health took a nosedive and then this last fall h decided to walk out on us, and the stress of all of that set her off again, and there's just NO WAY I can do this again. She is continuing to lose weight and the really bad news is that she is now 18. I have no idea what to do, but I am looking into UCSD intensive (not sure that's enough), Kartini and Veritas Collaborative. Any other suggestions? We are a conservative Christian homeschooling family, and while she hasn't been totally sheltered, I am afraid "sending" her somewhere will be a huge shock to her, but I honestly have no idea what else to do. I think I am too numb to feel the heartbroken and overwhelmed feelings that are simmering below the surface. Life just never stops being hard for us.
Weight restored/Phase II
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mnmomUSA
I'm so sorry to hear of this setback.  I have no answers for you, but did want to send my best wishes that you can figure out the right place.  I am a big fan of UCSD, as they helped us tremendously to make the final push to get D well.  Definitely worth the conversation with them, that's for sure.  I don't have any personal experience with either of the other programs, so no help there.

I do get entirely your feeling that you can't do this again.  That is precisely the place I was at when we went to UCSD...the feeling that I just didn't have it in me to keep going.  I came away energized and renewed, and most importantly, with the belief that I *could* get her well, and that I *did* have the tools.   Very impactful in that way.


D, age 18, first diagnosed March 20, 2013, RAN, at age 13 Hospitalized 3 weeks for medical stability. FBT at home since.  UCSD Multi-family Intensive June 2015. We've arrived on the other side.  :-)  D at college and doing great!
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trusttheprocessUSA
At Kartini you will need to go with her and plan on being there about 12 weeks. The Ronald McDonald house is incredible and walking distance to clinic and hospital. We had excellent care there. The over 18 group may have a different protocol. You can call to get the details.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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trusttheprocessUSA
Also I am very sorry to hear about how things have changed. Keep seeking the best options and do what you need to do to help your d and survive this yourself.
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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Torie
Hi kas - so sorry about your very tough string of challenges. It must be really confusing to face this again, but 4 years later and older. I agree that UCSD makes sense as a first step and source of ideas. I'm sure it feels overwhelming, but you will get through this.

Hang in there. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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hopefulmama
I'm so sorry Kas. My d was also 18 when she went to Veritas. I can't say enough about how they helped us. We had been at it awhile by then. Not as long as you, but awhile. My d had also been coached by providers we were using that she was now 18 and needed to separate from us. One of the many things Veritas did was get us all on the same page. They wouldn't let her step down to PHP until we had a contract in place. They also were able to get her on meds by preaching the genetic predisposition. They said it wasn't forever, but that it would make getting healthy easier and it made a huge difference. There was a lot of parent involvement and they were good about setting an accurate target weight and pushing fats. I was very impressed with their dietary program and how they taught my d to eyeball portions (she had been a slave to weighing and measuring) and make a meal out of leftovers and other real world scenarios.
We were there 3 years ago so I can't offer recent experience. I just can't say enough about the professionals there and how great they were.

Having said that, I also talked to UCSD a few times and was also very impressed with them. In the end, the timing wasn't right since they weren't going to have another intensive for several weeks and my d was very sick. I loved the director though and her willingness to tailor the week to my d's age and needs.

Good luck to you.
Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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kas_US
Yes, it's definitely been a difficult season. I am feeling up in the air about which one to choose so thanks for the feedback. I have talked to the UCSD people and they have been great, but I messed around and let her make me think she could get her weight up on her own (dad is siding with the AN) for too long and missed this month's intensive. I am not sure she will make it until the June date at this rate of loss.

Apparently Kartini only has the 18 and under program now (although they do take 19 year olds that still live at home, I believe). They sound great too. I just wonder about sticking to the meal plan for the next year.

Thanks for you're insights! any others are greatly appreciated!
Weight restored/Phase II
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momon
I don't have any experience in those programs but just want to send you warm wishes  and tell you I am sure with support you can take care of her! I am very sorry you have had to deal with spouse difficulties and undermining.... but you sound determined and wise about getting help.  Our background is very different from yours but I know if you were homeschooling you are a dedicated and loving mom and with good support you will be able to help her. Sending you prayers for strength and peace.
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deenl
kas_US wrote:
I just wonder about sticking to the meal plan for the next year.


Just a thought. Work on a way to make the impact as small as possible. Just base the family meal on the meal plan. Adapt a little for everyone else and I bet after a couple of weeks it begins to feel like second nature.

So sorry to hear of your difficult time and wish you all the best,
D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly gaining at home, seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight. 2020 Off to university, healthy and happy.
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Kali
Hi kas

I sent you an email with a suggestion.

Kali
Food=Love
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Playball40
I'm just so sorry for all you've gone through. 
Caroline
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trusttheprocessUSA
we had no issues with the "meal plan" if fact is has helped my son recover and now he eats whatever he likes....

this might help

https://www.kartiniclinic.com/blog/post/the-kartini-meal-plan-de-mystified/
Son diagnosed @ 12.5 yrs old with Severe RAN 2/11. Co-morbids - anxiety, Active restriction for 3 months. He stopped eating completely 2x. He needed immediate, aggressive treatment from a provider who specialized in eating disorders, adolescents and males. We got that at Kartini Clinic. WR since 5/11. 2017 getting ready to graduate slipping lost 8lbs. Fighting our way back.
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sahmmy
Hi kas_US, Sounds like we are in a similar situation. We refed solely at home. WR in Feb 16. Started the hand-off to phase II. She lost 14 lbs in 10 weeks. We're exhausted, and I don't think she will tolerate it again. D will be 18 in a couple of months and is considering leaving home ASAP. We are in process of possibly attending UCSD in June. We also have also homeschooled as a conservative Christian homeschool family. With similar backgrounds and issues, it would be awesome to have another family there who is going through the same stages.
d=18, R-AN, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Refed at home with information gathered from this forum and lots of books. Relapsed. Refed. Relapsed. Refed. 17 sessions with an excellent individual therapist. 19 sessions with unhelpful dietician. 3 sessions of DBT (didn't like it). Psychiatrist available if needed. Prozac - fail. Lexapro - fail. 5HTP - fail. Clorazepam/Klonopin = major improvement, only used when necessary. Genomind SLC6A4 short/short - not able to process SSRI's.
d=15, lost 14 lbs in 8 months, Ped [nono]diagnosed as a crystal on a hair in the ear canal
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iHateED
Thinking of you today Kas and so sorry for what you and your D are going through at the moment.   Have you looked into Avalon Hills in Utah?  It came highly recommended by D's therapist but thankfully we never needed it.  

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mjkz
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Well, folks, it's time. I'm crying uncle. It has just gotten too overwhelming for me, and we need a higher level of care.


That is not crying uncle. That is realizing your limitations and when you need help.  I hope you find a place that is a good fit.  Every one of us has had times when using a higher level of care was necessary for whatever reason.
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kas_US
I had a couple of days of withdrawing from life in total despair and am now attempting to get back up and plow ahead. Thank you all for your suggestions and encouragement.

IHateED, I haven't checked on that one because I don't have any connections to Utah, but I will look into it.

Mjkz, Thanks, you're right. It's just discouraging and feels like I didn't get her well like I should have the first time around and now she's suffering because of it.  I know I can't keep looking back, but I think I just had to take a couple of days to mourn the realities of her life and get the place of admitting that I really can't do this by myself.
Weight restored/Phase II
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kas_US
I had a couple of days of withdrawing from life in total despair and am now attempting to get back up and plow ahead. Thank you all for your suggestions and encouragement.

IHateED, I haven't checked on that one because I don't have any connections to Utah, but I will look into it.

Mjkz, Thanks, you're right. It's just discouraging and feels like I didn't get her well like I should have the first time around and now she's suffering because of it.  I know I can't keep looking back, but I think I just had to take a couple of days to mourn the realities of her life and get the place of admitting that I really can't do this by myself.
Weight restored/Phase II
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