F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

mjkz
So I've been MIA and not for a good reason.  My daughter is back inpatient on a tube and they let her lost a substantial amount of weight before tubing her.  There were some issues on the farm she has been working on and she is no longer working there.  It was her entire life and suddenly she had "no reason to eat".  That was the day after Christmas and she has been inpatient now for 2 weeks and despite my urging and her therapist's urgings, they let her lose over 20 pounds before they put the tube in.  At this point she is so depressed she is in bed all the time and doesn't talk.  When she was still communicating, she said she had lost her entire world and has no reason to go on.😢

I too was pretty affected by the whole situation at the farm and going through a depression myself.  I'm grateful she is in the hospital because I'm struggling to keep my head above water.  I know this will get better and hopefully with weight gain my daughter will start coming around.  Life just sucks right now.
Quote
deenl
Oh Mjkz, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I've no words of wisdom - I know you have lots of that yourself. And I know you have the grit too. I'm just so sorry you have to dig deep again. 

Sending you massive cyber hugs and wishing you continued strength and courage  

Hugs

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
tina72
Mjkz,
I am so sorry to hear what has happened! How could they let her lose so much weight!

I can imagine how you must feel, a relapse is my biggest fear here too. But I try to say to myself that whatever happens, we do not get back to square one. You will get her home from hospital and you will refeed her and you know how to do that.
Then you can both have a new start into a new part of life and hopefully a better one. You will find a new job for her and a new reason to eat for.

It sucks. It really sucks. Nothing we can say here will make that better. But I hope you feel a bit better knowing that we are all here for you if you need to vent (YOU will for sure not need to ask anything). We are here and we are family and we listen. So please keep us updated and come around when you need some motivation.

You will get her back. Get that damn weight on and then ED can go and die!
Sending a big hug across the ocean and a big pack of power and so much love!
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
scaredmom
Hi mjkz,
I am sorry about what has happened to both you and your D.  When she is better she will find another passion- I know you work with her on that all the time.
Please take good care of yourself.

I hope, we here can buoy you up as you have for so many (ME!) through the years. Your wisdom and strength have radiated through the internet and helped so many here. I hope that we can do the same for you at this time.

XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
sk8r31
Hi mjkz,
So very sorry that your d has taken a big dip, but hoping that the inpatient setting and tube can help pull her back up.  As scaredmom says, take the very best care of yourself that you can, & get the support that will help you with your depression.  And as always, you have the strong support of other caregivers on the forum.  We are cheering you on, and sending much strength your way to help boost you up and move forward.
Hugs,
sk8r31
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
Quote
Hope2019
Hi mjkz,
  So sorry to hear what happened to your D and you, I am new to this forum, but you have been giving me support and love, I believe you could help your d better than before, please take good care of yourself and you have the strong support of other caregivers on the forum, sending you strength and big hug. 
Your wisdom and strength have radiated through the internet and helped so many here!
12 years son with AN, ip one week, residential 5 weeks, IOP 7 weeks, now FBT 2 months, refeeding
Quote
melstevUK
Hi mjkz,

This is everyone's fear and how I am raging on your behalf that she was allowed to lose all that weight before they took action.  That is so tragic, after all the work you and she had put in.
What can anyone say - apart from somehow you are both going to come through this.  I wish I could give advice but I am lost for words.  Somehow she has to be encouraged to see that life will get better again and take those tiny first steps back into eating again.

I just wish they would have used the ng tube at an earlier point but we cannot change that.  Love, time and your support will pull her through.
In the meantime take good care of yourself.
Hugs and thinking of you.  You have given so much to this forum and I am glad people are rallying round to support you.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
Quote
sowego
Dear mkjz,
I am so sorry to hear this and I know it all feels horrible right now. I hope you can take some comfort that D is in hospital and being fed now. Please take care of you now. You are very resourceful and you will come through this. You have been a huge support for me many times and I have appreciated it so much. 
Sending you good wishes. 
Quote
Kali
Dear mkjz,

I'm so sorry things have taken this turn both for you and your daughter.

How I wish there was some way to teach our children resilience in the face of these life disappointments that we ALL have thrown at us.
There are other farms and other opportunities for your daughter to lead a full life and if she was doing well for awhile, then there is no reason why she will not do well again. You know what to do even if you are exhausted. Please believe she will be on the upswing again and your depression will get better. 

Sending you lots of virtual hugs, nerves of steel, superpowers, relaxing bubble baths and a big pitcher of margaritas.

xoxo
Kali
Food=Love
Quote
Mamaroo
I'm so sad to read this and so sorry you have you go through this. I always look forward to reading you advice on this forum. I hope you are able to get some strength back while she is IP. Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
Quote
Francie
Dear mjkz, I am so very sorry for what is happening right now for your daughter and for you. I am very glad, though, that you had the strength to lift your head above water to reach out to your friends here on the forum for support. That's a good sign and is proof that you have the strength and resilience to get through this, and to be a support once again for your daughter. The strength, resilience, hope and faith that you possess will get you through this, I know. You have been such a source of strength for all of us. I will say prayers for you and your daughter. Now that she's in the hospital you can gather up your strength, engage in some serious self care, and make your plans moving forward. Knowing you, as her loving mom, will fight for her, will certainly motivate your daughter. When one door closes, another opens. I'm hopeful for you and your daughter. Thanks for letting us know what's been going on with you so that we can support you as you have supported us. XO

Francie

Quote
mid73
Hi

I’m so so sorry to hear that you are going through this mjkz.  I have no words,  you are one of the wisest here.  Just to say your posts have helped me immensely over the last 2 years or so.  Thinking of you as you and your D saddle up and fight the monster again. X
Quote
mjkz
Thank you so much you lovely people.  You truly have lifted my spirits.  One thing I didn't do this time is save her.  She was working with her therapist and we all agreed that me stepping in and taking over again was not going to be helpful.  I honestly couldn't at the time.  She wasn't able to pull herself out of the tail spin so we went back to the contract, followed it to the letter and got her inpatient.  Inpatient dragged their heels on putting in the tube so I did go in with her therapist and made it clear that she wasn't coming home until she was back at her agreed upon weight.  Funny how fast that tube went in after that since they now have to put a lot of weight back on her. 

We will go back to the contract for good when she comes home.  It just angers me beyond belief that the people on the farm have been as selfish and cruel as they have been.  There will be other opportunities for her I know but she doesn't see that right now.  I do wish I could teach her resiliency and maybe she has to go through this a few times to learn it.  She really did try at first and as I have said many times on her she promised things she really thought she could and would do but when push came to shove, she couldn't do it.  She went down fast and will be inpatient for a while.  We'll see what kind of support she needs and whether it makes sense for me to completely take over again when she is first out.  I have gotten past my own emotional reaction to see this as a learning experience that we will both come out the other side wiser.
Quote
Mamaroo
mjkz wrote:
 I have gotten past my own emotional reaction to see this as a learning experience that we will both come out the other side wiser.


That is so true. This morning my d (non ed) and I had 'words', but afterwards I realised that the only way she was going to learn the life lesson is the hard way and that is true with most life lessons.

I hope you have a better day today, especially now that the treatment team and you are on the same page. It is frustrating that things have to deteriorate to get them to respond, but I'm glad that they eventually had the good sense to listen to you. Keeping you and your family in our thoughts.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her.
Quote
Francie
'we will both come out the other side wiser'

You are already back on your feet, mjkz, I can read it in this last post. You've got this!! And so does you dear d. XO

Francie

Quote
tina72
"It just angers me beyond belief that the people on the farm have been as selfish and cruel as they have been."

We had a bad experience with a so called "friend" last week and this woman was so cruel and said so much bad things to me and my d I did not believe that this could happen. There are bad people in this world and we need to accept that. It is so hard for this kids that do not easily make friends and are so introverted and what they learn is "I cannot rely on people" and that is really bad.

"I have gotten past my own emotional reaction to see this as a learning experience that we will both come out the other side wiser. "

That is what I try to learn from that, too, and I am quite sure you will get through this although I am really sorry that you have to. Life is hard enough with ED and we do not need extra challenges at the moment. Try to forget it and concentrate on future. There is nothing else we can do.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
scaredmom
Whatever happened at that farm sounds awful! 
You seem to have great plans in place for d to get better and I also think it is teaching moment for her team about what never to let happen again -ever!
I hope things turn around quickly for you both.

sending good thoughts your way.
XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
debra18
Everything is a learning experience. I am so sorry you and your daughter had to go through this. I hope your daughter will be able to learn how to deal with stressful situations without restriction. 
Quote
tmw23
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My daughter is a rider and had to leave a barn because of the behaviour of the owners.  It was absolutely devastating to her and to us because we had all become good friends.  I think she deeply mourned the loss of the friendships- they had become a second family.  
Having this happen and trigger the ED again so ferociously is absolutely horrible.  Not to mention your own feelings about the situation and your mental health.  So many things to deal with at once.  I’m fairly new to the world of ED so don’t have many words of wisdom but sending you strength and love. You sound like such a strong person with a wonderful attitude. 
Quote
mjkz
Same here Tmw23.  The sad part is it didn't need to happen.  Both people at the farm suffer from mental illnesses of their own-guy is very narcassistic and the wife passive aggressive and extremely depressed.  If life isn't chaotic enough for them, they create their own.

The hospital has finally decided due to bed sores that my daughter needs to be up and around which I fully support and have been pushing for.  She isn't interacting very much but is at least not in bed isolating now.  Her weight is slowly climbing but no eating or drinking voluntarily yet.
Quote
tmw23
I am thinking of you and your daughter. I know we can’t control how
other people behave and everyone has to develop resilience but some people just need a good kick in the pants. 
My daughter is doing better now - at least related to the farm situation. We were able to find her another spot and with time she moved on. But these things have such an impact. 
I’m glad to hear she’s up and about. I hope this is the beginning of steady progress. 
Quote
tina72
tmw23, we seem to have experienced all three the same things in the last weeks, so crazy. It is good that you found another place for your d. Here it is not really about the riding but about the love to this pony that makes it not replaceable. 12 years together cannot be replaced so easy...

mjkz, it never needed to happen. Here it was no person with own mental health issues (as far as I know, not really sure about that after seeing her behaviour). She should have known better, and she should not have said and done all this in front of my d. But these things happen. We cannot avoid that behaviour of other people.
It is good that she got out of bed and can hopefully get some distraction and that the weight is slowly increasing. I hope she will get through it.
My d tries to swallow all down and not talk about what happened at the moment and I do not really like that. But she is occupied with tests at University at the moment so I will wait another 1 or 2 weeks and then try to talk it through although we cannot change anything about it.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote

        

WTadmin