F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Morgana
We used to get a lot of "No!" when we tried supporting d to eat. Not a lot else, just screams of No. Since d was in ip and began accepting tube feeds we realised she was still needing to say no to something, usually wearing shoes or attending the ip school. 

Now that she's home she is eating (we've had two refusals so far) but saying No to a lot non-food related.

Sometimes we can ignore it (pick our battles!) but some things are going to have consequences and I'm not sure the best way to deal with her.
Eg she is refusing to choose appropriate school shoes for when she starts back next week. The shoes she's picked will most likely result in her being sent home, and she just refuses to accept this. I understand she will have anxiety because she's not been in mainstream school for a year, but getting sent home the first day in defiance of uniform rules is not the best way of dealing with it!

Any advice or experience of this?
15yr old d. June 2014 stomach pain. Medical investigations until Feb 2015, referred to CAMHs dx food anxiety. Kept restricting and losing weight until July 2015, medically unstable. Began intensive re-feeding at home. Re-evaluated by psychiatrist, dx Autism Spectrum Disorder and Atypical AN.
Found out it's actually Typical AN.
IP from Oct 15, ng tube Nov. Re-started eating food July 2016. Discharged from IP August 2016 97% weight for height.
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Foodsupport_AUS
For what it's worth, for my D I would try to calmly state my concerns to D, ask her to consider some other options that may be acceptable to her,  but if she insists on wearing them, just let the consequences follow. I would also try to not say I told you so, if she does get sent home. As you say, she may just be having a strong need to say "NO" still about anything.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Mostly recovered 10 years later.  Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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mnmomUSA
This was a big issue with my D early in treatment too.  I told her then, and I've lived with it, that I would veto the things she wants to do ONLY if it was a health or safety issue (broadly interpreted). So, for example, she decided she wanted to wear her hair a bizarre color.  Have at it.....was my response (this was the new me....the old me would have said "no way, no how.").  She wanted a piercing.  Yes to her ears, no to anywhere else was my answer....the no being backed up by her pediatrician who said there were legitimate health concerns with some of those things.  She wants a tattoo....sorry, that one is still no.  LOL.

Anyway, that strategy worked for me.  So, for your specific example, I'd let her go in the odd shoes that will get her sent home.  Not a health or safety issue for me. She can 'control' that aspect of her life, and learn that it was not a great decision.

Just my two cents.
D, age 18, first diagnosed March 20, 2013, RAN, at age 13 Hospitalized 3 weeks for medical stability. FBT at home since.  UCSD Multi-family Intensive June 2015. We've arrived on the other side.  :-)  D at college and doing great!
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OneToughMomma
Morgana,

Firstly, remember that you are doing a great job. 

Now, I agree with the other wise ones who have spoken.  Pick your battles.  Offer support when she has to face consequences for her poor decisions.

So, my d has a few more piercings than she might have otherwise.  She tried purple hair. She did no housework or chores for years.

I tried to remain focussed on health and safety. Also, I realized that a) like toothfairy's s, she was likely to change her mind, especially on long-term questions and b) I needed to preserve my energies and emotions.

Sending a big hug your way.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Torie
Agree with the others: Explain your viewpoint and let her make the call. If you can find a way to avoid backing her into a corner, all the better. Maybe something along the lines of, "Well, I wonder how you would feel if they sent you home for violating dress code on the first day, but it's your call."

(Truth be told, I was once sent home from school for going in barefoot. Could be worse.) xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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K63
Hi Morgana, firstly it's brilliant that your d is eating and I hope you are enjoying it as so far it is possible her being home realising also it's stressful. Parenting is a difficult job but so much more so with ed thrown into the mix. We have to let some things go we pick the battles we fight. At a course recently it was advised to treat them like our other kids so ask the question what would you do or say if it was one of your other children. We would be saying theses shoes are not acceptable by the school and they are not part of the uniform and they will possible result in you being reprimanded . Let them know and then they will do what they will do but a lot of the time they will come round and Change their minds. But they won't straight away say right so mom. I often forgot she was also a teenager. My d got a nose piercing while she was unwell while on home a weekend from ip I don't like and never it but now a year on she has taken it out and it's healing. Hoping school goes well.
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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Blommie
Well done for doing so well!
We had the exact same scenario with our d! She insisted on wearing her doc martins to school.... the school were well aware of her illness and sometimes they let things go with her and so she was sure this might happen again... we told her that it was not the best choice to make and she said she didn't care. She went to school in her doc's and guess what? I got a call the same day asking for her to change her shoes. She came home saying she needed new shoes as school were being horrid and making her follow rule! so we had a mad scramble to the shops to try to find appropriate ones and she has worn proper ones since then.
In the early part of recovery she did this with loads of stuff, she also gave herself a piercing against our wishes (it is out now but we just let it go at the time....not how we usually parent).
As everybody has said- if it was not a danger then we let most things go as she was eating. Now of course we are trying to find the balance again as she is much healthier but to be fair that is what parenting a teenager is all about!
D officially diagnosed April 2014 at age 13 after being hospitalised on a medical ward due to severe restriction. Been refeeding at home, doing FBT through CAMHS. Living life moment by moment
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Torie
If you see that she is actually going to head off for school in the offending shoes, perhaps ask if she wants to take a different pair in her backpack "just in case."

Of course, I wouldn't say something like that until the last possible moment, or she'll probably think she HAS to wear the banned shoes to save face. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Morgana
Thanks so much everyone! This is a different kind of difficult on top of such a difficult year, I was feeling a bit unsure. I've let her get the shoes but explained if she needs a new pair she will have to pay for them herself [wink] 
It's so weird how our ED kids do such similar things, she also got a nose piercing when on home leave from ip and currently sporting purple hair! 

And I can already imagine the same conversation:
blommie wrote:
She came home saying she needed new shoes as school were being horrid and making her follow rule!


It feels like at school d was known for not eating and being deathly thin and now she doesn't have either of those she needs a new thing. And I think the new thing is general rebel, rule-breaker, follow-her-own-lead type person. Which I actually really admire, but it's not exactly compatible with school and is difficult to parent when every single thing she does or doesn't do can't be the same as anyone else :/ 

But I guess as long as she keeps eating I don't care really about anything else. 
k63 it is interesting what you say about treating them the same as the other kids. I guess I have let my son make mistakes, so now it's d's turn.
15yr old d. June 2014 stomach pain. Medical investigations until Feb 2015, referred to CAMHs dx food anxiety. Kept restricting and losing weight until July 2015, medically unstable. Began intensive re-feeding at home. Re-evaluated by psychiatrist, dx Autism Spectrum Disorder and Atypical AN.
Found out it's actually Typical AN.
IP from Oct 15, ng tube Nov. Re-started eating food July 2016. Discharged from IP August 2016 97% weight for height.
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