F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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CED123
I need so much more help than this, but this is what I need right now if someone can advise.  The rest is a whole bigger post that I need more time to write.

What do you say when your child blames you for their misery (15yr old with anorexia) ?  I don't know what to say - I try to reinforce gently that it is an illness but she just goes ballistic and it makes the situation worse. On the other hand, it's obviously not helpful to agree with her, and she just won't let you just ignore it.

Any advice or words that have helped are gratefully received.
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Ellesmum
I have heard this many, many times and it hurts so much. I realised that it was ED lashing out and so I’d basically acknowledge her feelings and say things like ‘I’m sorry you feel this way’  or ‘I’m sorry I’ve made mistakes but I’m going to look after you through this’ 

There is no point in trying logical conversation with a malnourished mind, I often found myself apologising for who knows what but now she’s on the mend she often tells me she loves me etc.   

My feeling is that in that moment her feelings are her reality just then, the mind is distorted but really, deep down they need us more than ever and want us to rescue them. Hang in there x
Ellesmum
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scaredmom
Yes my d blamed me too.
i found it best to ignore and remove myself as best possible as well as distraction. I would just mumble quietly or say I would not discuss it and walk away or do something nice ie a movie or board game or ping pong etc..
There is nothing you can say that makes it better until they truly get better.
No you can’t agree with them. I found it helped me too to say ‘ I will not discuss this and I am sorry you are upset’.

By the way, welcome!
please post your other questions and we will be happy to help in anyway we can.

XXX
Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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tina72
Hi CED123 and a very warm welcome from Germany! Sorry that you have to be here with us. It is great that you found us though and we are here to help with all your 1 million questions in that longer post.

To be honest it helps best not to engage in that talk at all. If you say it is a disease she will go through the roof. If you say anything else she will go through the roof. So best was here to say "mmh, you are having a hard time at the moment" and change the subject "have you seen my car keys?"

It is not your fault and you are not to blame for her anorexia. Actually no one is to blame for that but genetics. But she does not understand that at the moment with her malnurished brain. When she is in a better state you can talk about all that. At the moment it is lost time to discuss with ED.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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CED123
Thanks all - that is really helpful.

My longer post is really just a big hand hold ask but I need some time when children don't keep popping up around me. 
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tina72
We wait for it whenever you have finished it! We are here to hold hands and to hear venting and to answer questions and what ever else you need!
Come back when you find time! This forum is a life saver. 2 years ago I was in your shoes and now my d is in good recovery and off to University and I owe that all to the great parents here.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Suzanne
You also don’t have to say anything. I was told once, to think of myself as their anchor.  Let them loose it, you stay calm and tethered.  (then go cry, yell, punch somewhere else!)
xo
suzanne 
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