F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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bsj6
Hopeful to find out how to force wife to go to a treatment rehab? Our daughter went to a treatment rehab this week and my wife was supposed to go to a different one but changed her mind at the last minute. Is it possible to get an adult spouse to go without them agreeing by their self?
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Foodsupport_AUS
Welcome to the forum. Compulsory treatment orders are very variable from country to country and from state to state. It goes via different names. I would recommend seeking legal advice or specifically researching your own situation as to whether or not compulsory treatment is possible and what would be required to achieve it. Since coercive treatment has a long a difficult history it is often difficult to obtain. 

What sort of treatment are you looking at? Is there a  possibility of treatment at home? What are the current circumstances?
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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bsj6
We are in the US so I can do research. The treatment places we contacted all declined her shes a liability until she went to another specialized place at as hospital in Denver Colorado because of her height and weight and a couple of medical problems with her heart and kidney. Then that hospital told her they could hold her there and keep her from returning home and she decided the night before she wouldn't go.
Our deal but more her idea was she would eat to gain the 9 or 10 pounds so some o ther place would accept her. I work 50 hours a week and I'm only home all day Friday Saturday Sunday. So she said she would eat dinner every night. We started teying that on Wednesday. She got through maybe half of dinner and got dizzy and disoriented and had to lay on the floor. But now that she's eating dinners she wont eat anything else all day. She was having a couple snacks in the day before this deal she came up with.
She has stayed really underweight since high school and thinks she can do this balancing act staying just where she wants her weigh. She is tired all the time the last 6 months maybe longer. She sleeps all night and takes naps all day. Shes weak all the time and blames other stuff but I think it's because of her weight but she doesn't listen. 
I don't feel like as her spouse I have any say so more than just asking her to eat more. The main reason we sent our daughter away was because our daughter was always having a hard time eating at home because she felt her mom should sit and eat too and she wouldn't. So my wife said we should out her in a treatment and she wil go to one so that she could sit with her and both eat through meals. Now when our daughter is done with the treatment my wife still wont be any further along to help with the treatment at home. I'm frustrated and feel like I don't have any say or options but I want it fixed for both of then.
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MKR
Hi @bsj6,

You seem to be in a very difficult situation. You are holding down a job and at the same time your wife has to cope by herself, which anorexics are simply not capable of, their brain being pushed into fight-flight mode. Part of treatment at home would be removing her from food preparation and having meals put in front of her, which in your situation I suspect is not possible.

Was the Denver hospital about to treat her other conditions primarily? Or the eating disorder? Do you think her medical issues are a consequence of ED?

I wonder if another facility could admit her for heart and kidney issues, but with the background history provided by you? Only saying this because to go through the Courts may be lengthy and expensive.

If the diagnosis was cancer, rather than eating disorder, things would have been more straightforward legally, giving you more decision-making rights. EDs have some way to go before their seriousness will be universally acknowledged.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Foodsupport_AUS
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Our deal but more her idea was she would eat to gain the 9 or 10 pounds so some o ther place would accept her.


Unfortunately when ill, someone with an eating disorder will promise the world to avoid going somewhere that will actually help them get better. I wonder if the place you are referring to is Acute Center for Eating Disorders at Denver Health? If so it has an excellent reputation and may be a great place for your wife to go if you can get her there. 
One way to try to get your wife to attend treatment may be to make some form of contractual obligation. You agree to her plan but add some caveats to that plan if things are not working out. So she is struggling to eat meals other than dinner, therefore add  a requirement that other meals are eaten, that she be actually gaining weight. If this is not happening then add in a step for her to self correct and if still not happening then she agrees to go where you plan for her to go?
She is truly terrified of doing what needs to be done, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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bsj6
The hospital in Colorado was for her eating disorder. The nephrologist told her the scarring and damage on her kidneys is from being dehydrated . He said if she ate well it wouldn't fix it but keep it from going worse. Now she wont go back to that doctor that how she handles stuff. I feel like my hands are tied in all of this. She told me tonight she is absolutely done and doesn't care anymore and wont eat or deink anything or talk to me any  I just have to sit an watch it happen. She wont go to the virtual meeting with our dauggter because she says she is useless as a mother. I want to talk to my employer tomorrow and see if I can take time off. 
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Enn

Dear bsj6,
I just want to reach out and give you a hug. This sounds very difficult. I hope she does get the help she needs and deserves to be able to live a life without ED.

My wish is that your d is doing well and that she has as smooth a recovery as possible. 
🤗

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Falloven
If she is refusing to eat or drink it sounds like it is time for the hospital. You may have to call an ambulance to get her there but after restricting for so many years her heart is probably very weak and this could put her in a very dangerous situation.

I feel for you. Good luck.
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melstevUK
Dear bsj6,

What a truly nightmare situation you are in. Sending you a virtual hug too. 
Yes, Falloven is right, your wife needs to be taken to hospital. 
I can understand her despair and feeling that she is useless as a mother. But she is still better alive to your daughter than dead and I wonder if you can try and get her to see this.
I don't know what chances there are of getting her taken into hospital long term. Hospitalisations for eating disorders in the US seem to be quite short. But your wife would need to be in hospital for at least six months for it to make a difference and to get her to a place where she might then be able to recover with your support and a clinical team. 
Would it be worth contacting your medical insurers to see if this could be funded, then contact whichever hospital would be willing to treat her for her eating disorder all while offering medical supervision to get a long placement like this agreed?
If you can get this arrangement in place then you would have to tell your wife that this is the deal, she is getting the support to get through this once and for all and you will not take her refusal. So very hard but in some way there has to be a firmness from someone to make this happen. 
Where are your wife s parents in all this? Are they alive or involved?
Such a heartache for you.  I hope at least your daughter is making some progress in her own battle. 
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
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bananas

If she is willing to go and it was the fear of being held involuntarily at ACUTE that stopped her, please look into Torrance Memorial Hospital just outside of Los Angeles.

They are quite similar to ACUTE in their ability to handle the most severe cases and medical complications but do not accept involuntary admissions. 

The state of CO has laws that make involuntary holds for EDs quite easy to obtain while CA does not. For what it’s worth, ACUTE really shouldn’t have told her that they could hold her involuntary 🤦‍♀️

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bsj6
SHe went to the psych ward for the last 9 days and has been doing a small bit better there trying to find medicine that works good for her and are looking for her next options and oir daughter has been making good progress to so I been allowed to take a deep breathe a little
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Enn

I cannot imagine how you are feeling with two beloved family members in hospital!  It sounds like you are a bit relieved as they both are getting help, and you must miss them so. Conflicting emotions at the same time. 

I am pleased they are both where they need to be and that both are doing ok. 

please take time to take good care of yourself and I know how hard it is to do so. 

🌿

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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deenl
So relieved to hear that your wife is in a safe place. I hope that they can find meds that can take the edge off and make it just that little bit easier for her to take the steps that are needed. 

I hope both she and your daughter continue to make progress. Feel free to post whenever you need support or have questions.

Warm wishes 

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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