F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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ArtGuy1 Show full post »
ArtGuy1

My ex-wife got a statement from a nurse practitioner friend of hers that she was stable and fit to parent.  She turned it in on the last day possible to get evidence in.   
The judge admonished her for being in contempt of court for three months and acknowledged all of my concerns, but refused to overturn the prior ruling in an affidavit hearing.  They set a court date for the fall for a full hearing with witnesses. 

They have seen our hand and how strong it is.  We may try mediation.  But even if she promises to not exercise with our child anymore, I have learned through this process that it is almost impossible to enforce these stipulations. 

Our next step is to try a custody evaluator with knowledge of AN.  We aren't ready to quit fighting.  I am also running our daughter to the doctor for a check-up.  I am going to leave a list of our observations about her mimicking her mother and see if she will recommend a psych evaluation.  I know my ex with fight this, so I will need a referral from her general practitioner to get it done. 

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MKR
In fall??? If this was alcoholism or drug use, no court would wait 8 days, let alone 8 months!

I can now see you point in getting expert witnesses in. EDs are still a big unknown to people in general (3 years ago I was clueless).

Mediation sounds hopeful.  Remember, the family court's aim is for the child to grow up with both parents. Here in New  Zealand, if a parent is not deemed safe, time with them is supervised, but not discontinued. I am surprised the court did not order her to seek more treatment. 

The best outcome for all would be encouraging your ex-wife to recover so the child's time with her is beneficial. I know that is hard.

Wherever you can, think of reaching a WIN-WIN outcome 😀. At the same time, do not give in to ED, ever.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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MKR
Having said that, good that you are keeping an eye on your daughter, especially any weight loss.  If things start going downhill, you may need an urgent application (without notice it is called in Commonwealth countries) to the court.

Your ex-wife, like any anorexic, is unable to see the problem, so firm boundaries, such as no running with the daughter, would help. 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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ArtGuy1
My ex and her 'therapist' tried to say that any issues our daughter has had with anxiety have come from my new girlfriend being in her life.  I really cut that apart by stating that when you child is the only 6 year old at school that refuses to eat any birthday treats, or snowcones on the last day of school, or does burpees at the dinner table, that isn't from having a new adult female in her life.  It's from mimicking an anorexic mother.    
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MKR
Burpees are an absolute No! And her doing them at the dinner table hints at the food:exercise connection, as in "must burn this off". Good that you pointed that out! Kids should be allowed to be kids, get their exercise from playing with their friends, dancing at parties and playdates. 

I wonder if the court has timetabled any steps for your ex-wife to take prior to the hearing (if it goes ahead)? Normally, this sort of time is given to allow any courses to be completed (eg a parenting course). I hope the date was set so far ahead to allow this monitoring time and not due to overcrowded courts.

There are great links on this F.E.A.S.T website on how to spot the signs of ED behaviour. I hope you can make use of those, both to stop them and to build your case.

All the best,
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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ArtGuy1
I used info from here and from Tabbitha Farrar in court. I have piles of evidence.  They just don't care. I have to make them care. I had a Guardian ad Litem tell me "Mentally ill people get to be parents too!"  But I am not letting up. She should be frightened to know what's coming.  But she seems convinced she does nothing wrong.  She has an excuse for each behavior.  Feeding our child her strange diet was 'exposing her to new and healthy options'.  Her obsession with sushi, 'exposing our child to world food options.'  Our child lifting weights with her was just some creative play.  Our child telling of 2 mile walks... just leisurely strolls.   She will never own up. I just need someone who will take it seriously.  
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ValentinaGermania
I wonder if it would help to get an acknoledge ED doctor in the boat there. I cannot recommend a name but I am sure FEAST can or the Academy of Eating disorders.
It is unbelievable that the court accepted the statement of a nurse and wants to wait until FALL...
Can you increase the time your d is with you every week?
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ArtGuy1
The judge denied our request for 80/20 time.  I am not giving up.  I took my daughter to the doctor today.  She is down in weight. She has grown 1" since 9/25/19 but her weight has gone from the 18th percentile to the 9th percentile.  Her BMI went from the 6th percent to .5th percentile.  The doctor recommended no exercise except P.E. and her 1/wk gymnastics.  This will mean her mother will have to stop morning yoga and evening workouts with our daughter.  She will not be able to do this.  The doctor has agreed to write a statement and recommend anything we might need.   
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Enn
Please ensure she eats more. That BMI and weight loss concerns me.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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MKR
Oh, this weight drop is getting serious and I am glad the doctor is on board! Your ex-wife will not be able to prove facts wrong, try as she may. The numbers speak for themselves. 

Can you present the evidence of weight loss urgently to the court. Even if the result is that the judge directs the mother to start refeeding your daughter and helping her gain the lost weight (and not the 80/20 care that you applied for), your daughter can be saved. You'd think it would be easiest if the mother simply listened to you, but unfortunately this direction will have to come from someone other than you, such as the doctor or the judge.

In the meantime, do all you can to feed your child, maybe keep a food diary as proof, and we know that you don't do those ridiculous long walks or jogs with your young child.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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ArtGuy1
12.7 BMI.  That's about what her mother's is right now.  
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MKR
I feel you are well equipped to open the judges' eyes to the seriousness of eating disorders. You will need to do that with compassion though. This illness affects the lives of sufferers in the most horrible way but it also affects the lives of those around them. 

I recently heard someone praise Amelia Boone for her determination (the former distance runner and corporate attorney) and lack of fear. As soon as I saw her photo I was in shock. And her moto "I am good at suffering" was a huge red flag.  A quick search confirmed my suspicions. Here is a glimpse of her internal battle:

https://www.outsideonline.com/2399654/amelia-boone-eating-disorder

I hope that may give the court a fuller picture. 

All the best, keep feeding!
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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deenl
Dear ArtGuy,

How utterly frightening. I have no doubt that you are out of your mind with worry. I can somewhat identify as it took the medical system months to properly diagnose and care for my son while he got sicker and sicker and we lost even more of our minds. You just gotta keep throwing everything you can at it and hope that something sticks. With that in mind, I have a couple of ideas that you have likely tried already but who knows?

Here are the AED Medical Care Guidelines for the US. My son was at a similar weight and was dangerously ill - he was admitted as an emergency to psychiatric care and the next day needed to be taken from there to the general hospital by ambulance. Eventually he spent a month in hospital hooked up to a heart monitor. Each person is different so your daughter may be fine but I hope that the doctor has assessed each of the areas listed in the document, most especially the lying down and standing up blood pressure (orthostatic blood pressure) as this indicates if the heart is under stress. For very young children, who have less of a weight buffer, a large and fast weight loss can be dangerous. Perhaps you could talk to the doctor again, bringing this document with you as an example of best practice. I am sure that if you present yourself as an extremely worried father and not one who is doubting his expertise, he will be happy to either complete the tests or set your mind at rest.

Kartini Clinic are experts in treating malnutrition and eating disorders in children and adults, especially in very young children. I know that in the past Julie O'Toole has reviewed files even when the patient has not been able to attend. The intake coordinators are lovely and very helpful over the telephone. I wonder if it would be useful to talk to them and see if they are in a position to provide an expert opinion. I do not think that it is wise to wait until the court session in Autumn, your daughter need urgent treatment.

Sending you tons of strength and courage,

D

2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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ArtGuy1
I am treating this as a second full-time job.  I am drafting complaint letters to my ex's two 'providers' that signed her off as healthy.  I will share our concerns about my child's mimicking and falling weight. And if they continue to enable her abusive behavior, I will file grievances with their licensing boards.
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deenl
ArtGuy,

I hope that you have love and support from your own friends and family and some method of stress management. You will need to keep yourself well in case it takes a while to see results.

Hang in there and you are welcome to come and vent here, although remember that forum is open to the public.

Warm wishes,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Torie
Oh dang it must be exhausting to fight not only your ex-wife but also the courts as you try to protect your child from ED.  I agree with the others who suggested having her vitals monitored regularly and also an evaluation to see if your d is developing AN herself.  Please let us know how we can help. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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ValentinaGermania
ArtGuy1 wrote:
The doctor recommended no exercise except P.E. and her 1/wk gymnastics.  This will mean her mother will have to stop morning yoga and evening workouts with our daughter.  She will not be able to do this.  The doctor has agreed to write a statement and recommend anything we might need.   


Please ask the doctor to stop PE and gymnastics as well. She has no energy to spend for that. This is serious.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ArtGuy1
I sent my ex-wife a message about D's drop in weight, low 0.5% BMI and doctor's orders to limit exercise.  This was her response:
 
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B
Thank you for updating me. I’m not overly concerned as kids grow out and then up and on repeat. Activity hasn’t been out of the ordinaries; nothing vigorous or lengthy. She has roller bladed a few times since Christmas, lasting no longer than 15-20 minutes. She eats very well, but will make sure she is and will comply with the doctor orders.
Let’s please not focus too much on her weight, putting too much emphasis on it can cause unnecessary worry and anxiety around her body for her and create negative attention seeking.
L
 

This just shows you how deeply embedded her denial is.  
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MKR
Hi @ArtGuy1,

Thank you for the update. Oh dear. You are right. 

Kids do grow but they do NOT lose weight. Numbers will speak for themselves. 

"She eats very well, but will make sure she is and will comply with the doctor orders."
You can treat this reply as her written undertaking, ie if it's broken, she will have broken her responsibility.

She does have a point, however, that talking about the body and weight to and around the child is harmful.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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