F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Georgiego
Just had my worst night so far with d! Just back from her dad’s, she refused last part of her snack tonight. She is borderline for going back into
hospital and I feel scared. Three hours later she still refused. I get so confused being day 11 out of hospital about not giving up....I’m trying to not make it negotiable and insisting she finish. She went up to her bedroom and I tried to get her back down stairs, it was getting too physical as I was trying to carry her back down. I had to let it go. I didn’t want her hurt and she was fighting and kicking me. I feel awful and can’t stop crying. This is so hard, and I’m not sure about what I’m doing. This seems impossible and I feel
like the worst mother. 
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Enn
Hi Georgiego,
I am sorry it is so hard.
As for her going to her room, some have followed their kid with the food. You were absolutely correct not to escalate things and let it go. 
You are not a bad mom! I know it feels awful and you feel responsible for making her feel upset, but that is ED. You are not fighting your real d. Took me a few months to really understand that. The relationship you had with do needs to change quite a bit. Many of us had to go from being collaborative parents to strict and loving at the same time. It is hard to change our normal behaviours to match what ED needs.

Did she eat with dad? If ED got by with a few tricks there it would make it harder for you when she got home.
If d needs to go back to IP that is really ok. Her  ED is made her so ill. It is not a reflection on you, it just means she needs more professional support.

Would it be helpful if dad and you had a few meals together with her ? That way you both could support each other.

As for the crying, this is the hardest thing and you are not alone in the grief. It is overwhelming and exhausting. If you feel you yourself need help please reach out to your doctor. You need care too. To be a caregiver sometimes people think you are ok all the time and that you don’t have needs as well. We are only human and put into the role of taking care of ED.  That requires a huge amount of strength and we can only get there by leaning on others, getting our own support on the ground. 
Sending strength.
i found coming to the forum to vent so helpful. It showed me that I was not alone and I felt comfort in that. 
🤗
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
Georgiego wrote:
Just had my worst night so far with d! Just back from her dad’s, she refused last part of her snack tonight. She is borderline for going back into
hospital and I feel scared. Three hours later she still refused. I get so confused being day 11 out of hospital about not giving up....I’m trying to not make it negotiable and insisting she finish. She went up to her bedroom and I tried to get her back down stairs, it was getting too physical as I was trying to carry her back down. I had to let it go. I didn’t want her hurt and she was fighting and kicking me. I feel awful and can’t stop crying. This is so hard, and I’m not sure about what I’m doing. This seems impossible and I feel
like the worst mother. 


So first question is, why does she need to go downstairs again? She can eat in her bedroom as well. Take off all door locks so she cannot lock herself in and you can follow her with the food wherever it takes. She can eat in the bathroom if needed.

You are not the worst mom ever, you are the best mom ever. Only a very loving mom can do this for her kid. It is exhausting. It is horrible.
But nobody of us did learn that in 2 days and it did not work from the start. It took us about 6 weeks to get into a routine and get all meals done.
Do not give up. Think about what you can do to not let that happen again.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Oh dang, I'm so sorry for all the difficulty.  One of the weird things about AN is that a terrible, horrible day might be followed by an okay one (or vice versa); there is just no telling what tomorrow will bring.  Yesterday is done (thank heavens) and today is a new day.  Please scratch out a little time to do something nice for yourself - your d needs you to take care of yourself. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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MKR
I feel for you, you are not alone.  AN gets so physical and violent. It feels at times, why me? But in our support group there are lots of experiences similar to this one.

Our D lives week on/ week off with between parents. I never know what to expect on first day. In fact, it's usually the second day that is the most dramatic for us. But I used the week away from the kids to recharge: to rest and to cook and freeze as many meals as I could. 

Torie is right, each day is different. Sometimes the total calm after a drama can be bewildering. 

Stay strong, look after yourself ❤❤.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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Georgiego

Thanks everyone. I thought I typed a reply earlier but maybe I posted it somewhere else! There are some good suggestions so thanks. This is bewildering and just stumbling along so far. We are seeing dietician and nurse this morning, don’t want to go and face it all but I will. 

D kept going downstairs and tipping the yoghurt in the bin last night, any suggestions, or is it keep filling the bowl ?? Or do I need to get quicker in getting the bowl before she does that?

I liked reading about every day is different and the settling in period after being with her Dad.  

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sandie
It probably depends on how agitated she is and what works for one might not work for other. I moved the bin to a less accessible place so it wasn’t so obviously an option. My D went through quite a stretch of chucking food in bin, sometimes whole family pot of dinner, once opening fridge and throwing as much food from fridge out. 
I used to try to stop her- natural instinct to stop food wastage and “bad behaviour”.
But intervening here led to escalation of tension and D would get violent and at some point, I realised it was more effective to explain that I wasn’t scared of her doing this, I would still be serving her food. 
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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Georgiego
@sandie thanks for your response, very helpful and I like the calm feeling behind the statement of still serving food. I feel
like you get through one behaviour and something new appears! I’m fumbling and finding a way through, I hope ! 
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Torie
I have no idea what would happen if you made it harder for her to bin the food.  Maybe it would have a happy ending, or maybe she would start throwing it at the ceiling.  Or some other outcome.

I wonder if it is possible for you to seat her in such a way that she can't escape to toss the food.  Some have found that seating ED-kid in between two adults (with wall behind to prevent escape) can help.e

(Do I remember that someone here successfully caught a plateful of spaghetti in mid air?)

Unfortunately, there is a lot of trial and error before each family can find their own path.  We have a saying "Feedback, not failure" because the only way we can figure out what works is to try something.  If it doesn't work, that is valuable feedback, and we can try something else.  Oh how I wish there were a magic formula that worked for all, but that is not how this works.  It DOES get easier as the feedback accumulates so you can better guess whether x will happen if you do y.

Take care. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Barberton
Georgiego, You are not a terrible parent. There are a lot of stains on the carpet in our house due to food being hurled about. Imagine it from her perspective - you put a plate of food in front of her, she is terrified, so she does what she (the ED) has to minimise the risk. Try serving up small portions of food and say something like, "I know this is hard, but why don't you have a go at getting through this." Then when it's finished, pause before giving her some more and saying "That's terrific, I am so proud of you, now I would like you to eat more." You keep track of what you want her to eat, but just give it to her in smaller amounts. At first, she will no doubt argue and feel deceived that you didn't tell her she had to have more. But she may actually be hungry and want to eat more.
D fell down the rabbit hole of AN at age 11 after difficulty swallowing followed by rapid weight loss. Progressing well through recovery, but still climbing our way out of the hole.
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ValentinaGermania
I would make it clear that as long as there are people dying of starvation on this planet it is not o.k. to bin any food that is o.k. to eat for someone. She can put it back into the fridge but here it is not allowed to bin food.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Georgiego
Some really helpful suggestions and thoughts. These early weeks are so tumultuous, and there are new behaviours/tactics/reactions popping up each day. We had an okay day yesterday and she saw the nurse and dietician. There has been weight gain and heading in the right direction, although her heart is still stressed. One meal at a time I’m coming to see !  
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Enn
HI there, so pleased to hear about the weight gain. May I ask what you mean by the heart being stressed? I guess my ears perk up when issues with the heart. Heart issues can be sudden, so just want to ensure they are keeping very close tabs on this.
Yes it is for sure, one meal at a time.
Goo job!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Georgiego
So her heart beat increases from
sitting to standing, causing dizziness. Yesterday it was by 50 beats. She hadn’t had breakfast and they said they weren’t too worried as she had gained weight and all other obs were good. Despite this, I still have her checked once a week by our doctor too. 
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Mamaroo
Welcome from me as well, it's a good idea to have her heart checked out again. Dizziness is a sign her heart is under strain. If she faints take her to emergency immediately. As for binning food, like the others said, she's so scared that she might throw it on the floor (happened here), against the wall or ceiling. I had a whole ensure tipped over my head once. I calmly told her I was going to take a shower and then we're going to try again. Literally rinse and repeat! Now I can laugh about it. You'll get through this as well. Sending you lots of hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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MKR
I can only say, if yoghurt gets chucked, you can tell her something else (with more calories) will be served. Or better still, I used to say, "If I were you, I'd keep it simple and eat the yogurt". I know we are talking about fear here but it worked.

Another thing to try is distraction: with a movie, a topic, a game... doesn't this remind you of the toddler years, when we were teaching them to sit nicely? 
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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ValentinaGermania
I would insist on an appointment with a child cardiologist, these values are concerning. Please ask for that.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
I would insist on an appointment with a child cardiologist, these values are concerning. Please ask for that.


Agree.

Mamaroo, loved your "rinse and repeat."  So glad that is now in the rear view mirror. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Foodsupport_AUS
I would insist on an appointment with a child cardiologist, these values are concerning. Please ask for that.

I doubt that she needs a cardiologist and it is unlikely in Australia that Georgiego could access one without further specialist assessment. 
She should however be seeing a paediatrician regularly and seeing that you have posted on another page about more missed meals I am very sceptical about her "weight gain" . Weight manipulation by kids with ED is really common, this can be by water loading, hiding weights etc. 
Her increase in heart rate is concerning, I would be insisting on early reassessment if she is not completing all meals with a view to whether she should be readmitted. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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ValentinaGermania
Ah, here a normal paediatrician would not know anything about serious heart issues with AN and you would need to see a specialised child cardiologist. Different countries, different systems!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Georgiego
@ValentinaGermania We have a very good doctor who works mostly with eating disorders that we are seeing each week, each day if I want (perhaps what you'd call a paediatrician where you are).  Her heart is being monitored, she had an ECG yesterday and we see the doctor again tomorrow. I have just found out that she has put on 2kgs in two weeks (since leaving hospital), which I understand to be pretty good. In the past two days, we have got to 5 meals in the day, and today if she eats supper, it will be the six in one day. We've had a good day today, d has been happy and chatty. There is a friend's party on the weekend that she wants to go to. I said as long as she eats and her heart has improved when checked tomorrow by doctor, she can go. How difficult it is to trust the good mood, such a roller coaster ride. Thanks for all your suggestions and thoughts, they really help a lot and give me hope. 
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ValentinaGermania
That all sounds very good and that she is in really good hands there!
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Yay for the weight gain!  That is awesome.

You said, "There is a friend's party on the weekend that she wants to go to. I said as long as she eats and her heart has improved when checked tomorrow by doctor, she can go."  It is great that she wants to go to this party - that can provide good motivation to eat her meal (so that she can go).  I hope it will be possible to continue normal meal schedule around/during the party - sometimes we had to find excuse for d to join us for a bit to eat meal/snack in middle of event - if you don't see her eat the thing, it is a good bet it didn't actually go in. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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