F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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hopefulyetscared
It's been awhile since I visited this amazing support group, I am back again looking for more helpful suggestions because I have learned this is the best place to get answers.

We are just over 3 years in this journey and we made it through the first stage of what felt like a living nightmare. Over the last year or so we have been on a steady course of giving all the love and support we can and thankfully my D has taken the help without resistance. 

But that is the crux of where we are at. I am still very involved in the day to day food choices. D definitely takes on more than she use to, choosing some snacks, taking drinks herself with meals, takes some breakfasts independently, etc. (Things that are obvious how much to take... full glass of milk, bread with stick of cheese.) But all these things are things she knows what to do because she has seen me do it enough times. She even can order at a restaurant pretty easily, and can eat what is "given to her". 

It's when she is on her own, for example, at a friends house or at dinner if I don't "pre serve" her, where she has trouble taking enough. She knows she needs a larger portion but she can't take it herself, but if I suggest she takes more, she does, no problem. She is still stuck in ED thoughts but doesn't fight it when I confront them. She just doesn't seem to be able to confront on her own.

I've listened to all your great advice about not rushing it. She is now only 15 (started at 12). But I feel like she has come so far and I need to relinquish control so she can take more control and responsibility of her food choices. And I think she is ready, I just don't know how? 

I'm hoping this makes sense to those of you that have successfully traveled these waters.

Sometimes she will recognize that she didn't eat enough at a friends house and come home and have something else, which I know is great. But the challenge is why didn't she eat enough if she knew? I have told her I consider this restricting certain foods to choose "more comfortable" choices when she is home. So left on her own, maybe she wouldn't lose weight but ED is still in control. 

As always, thank you in advance for any suggestions.


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Foodsupport_AUS
I was listening to Tabitha Farrar yesterday, an excellent pod cast on neural rewiring. I think she is right on the money when she talks about the issue of ED remaining in control when they passively allow things to happen. For some the thoughts are melting away, but for others they continue in the same pattern.  They are not rewiring to get rid of those ED "habits" It sounds exactly like what is happening with your D. So fear challenges? Requiring her to make choices more often where all foods are more likely to be worrying. 

Listen to the pod cast yourself. If your D is at this point you may decide to let her listen as well, as a tool to discuss why things need to be changed up a bit. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Mostly recovered 10 years later.  Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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Mamaroo
hopefulyetscared wrote:


It's when she is on her own, for example, at a friends house or at dinner if I don't "pre serve" her, where she has trouble taking enough. She knows she needs a larger portion but she can't take it herself, but if I suggest she takes more, she does, no problem. She is still stuck in ED thoughts but doesn't fight it when I confront them. She just doesn't seem to be able to confront on her own.



It could be that in that moment when she needs to choose that she falls back onto her old ED habits and that you were not there to immediately disrupt them. Maybe pre-empt it, by planning ahead of time. For example she is going to a friend's house for lunch. Tell her to imagine serving herself a proper serving of food. Let her go over it a couple of times in her head so that when the time comes to serve herself that she would be able to take enough.
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
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Enn

I like the idea of imagining what to serve herself. When she goes to a  friend's house are you able to find out what food will be served before she goes? Usually when at a friends, my kids have pizza or chicken strips and fries ,those are quite common. So D knows at home how many pieces of pizza, so she picks the amount she has at home. 

She has texted me once of twice  to ask how many pancakes she should have. Once she tried a few times at the friend's she got more comfortable- but she knew if she was in doubt, to call/text me. She once said that the friend did not have fruit with breakfast so she asked for an orange. She usually has a fruit at home with breakfast. 
I hope there was something in the way we did this that may help you. 
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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