F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Kali
Ok so d. has been attending college part time and living at home. Unfortunately she has lost some weight. She had hoped to be far enough in her recovery go back to her other college hours away for the spring semester and I told her she cannot go back next semester and will need to take another semester at home and bring her weight back up and demonstrate that she can keep her weight up and eat independently before we would support her going back. She argued like a lawyer about how I am ruining her life and completely doesn't understand why it is important to gain any weight. I argued back that it is not me, but anorexia which is messing up her life and that she has the best chance for full recovery if she maintains the weight set for her at treatment. So great, now I get to pay money to have my d. go to her therapist and complain about her mean overprotective mom who is ruining her life. When does this end?

Now she hates me and of course is refusing to eat with me. I was sick of the whole thing yesterday and was out all day and then out to dinner with friends...and had fun[smile] This morning I am back in the ring with my boxing glove on: mom against ED: and will try again with breakfast to get back on track. By taking the next semester off she has now "lost" two years of what should have been her college career but I am standing firm. It is hard to be hated when you are doing the right thing for your ill child and you are sick as s***t of this f*****g illness and what it has stolen from your child. I can see no purpose in sending her up again unless we are certain that she will be successful with both her weight and her studies.

Ok she has just come into my office and has spoken to me like a polite human being and is going to her nutritionist appointment. Maybe things will quiet down.

Any advice? 

Kali

Food=Love
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Torie
Oh dang.  No advice other than to keep doing what you're doing. So sorry you have to.

Do you have a contract stating what is required for her to attend school 1) locally and 2) distant?

Hang in there. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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OneToughMomma
Kali, you know you are making the right decision. It sucks big time, but it is the best thing for her

Our d had a year off completely, as you might know. She's nearing the end of her first year of Uni (freshman) and has lost some weight. She is already working on putting it back on, and will continue when she gets home in a few weeks. My advice would be, based on my experience, get a really clear, tight contract before d moves out. We were given that advice but ignored it. And now I regret that. I'm sure she will be fine but it's such a worry and hard when you don't have clear guidelines and plans in place. When she heads off for her new year in February she will have a contract I her bag.

You're doing great. Just keep going.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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K63
Hi Kali, sorry to hear that your d lost weight it's so much more difficult with young adults. My d is in college am visiting weekly and she comes home at weekends . She is enjoying college life but lost weight after 3 weeks we had a plan that she would come home if she lost more weight . She visits a dietician weekly who is very supportative . On one visit she was .2 kg below the limit and she gave her one last chance to try to regain it. She has gained very small amounts in last two visits but is resistant as she feels why does she still have to gain as she feels she is doing ok. She also wanted me to stop visiting Wednesday's and not have to come home at weekends but her dad and I have to stay very firm on it . We still fully supervise once a week and at weekends . Sometimes she realises she still needs a lot of support and will say she is struggling but next day she could say she is doing fine . Sounds like you have this on time before she loses more weight. This is a vile horrible illness it is difficult to see them struggling I so wish I could give her more freedom but I can't. Warm wishes to you .
Daughter started restricting in February 2014, tried re feeding at home hospital admission 4 1/2 months weight restored started restricting post discharge, back on meal plan full supervision weight restored april 2016. Starting to hand back responsibility for meals it's scary. 
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Francie
Hi Kali,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My d is also at home, also being warned she'll take another SINGLE course this coming semester if she doesn't put on weight. Horrid.

I like the idea the mom's are giving you re: a contract. I also read somewhere on this forum, it may be K63, who very regularly visits her out of town college daughter. Would you be in a position to also do that? Visit your d each weekend and weigh her? And maybe take her home on weekends where she weighs too little to make sure she eats? Maybe you put something like that in your contract.

Best of luck to you! XO

Francie

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Francie
And Kali, can you frame her situation more in terms of putting the responsibility on her shoulders, rather than yours? For instance, can you tell her something like 'medical professionals have put your healthy weight at XX lbs, not me'. Can you frame it in terms that show her choices are what are causing her to be held back, not anything you are doing? Because that is the truth.

What we have told our D (and which is true) is that we have saved $X for her college education and if she begins a semester and then needs to be removed from college due to health issues (a low weight) then we/she will lose that money and she'll owe that much more $$ at the end of her college education.

Would you be able to send her off with a contract that stipulates that if she goes under XX lbs. she will be removed from college, and if you write something like that in her contract will you be able to financially afford to stick with it? It would help if you could obtain tuition insurance so you will not be out all that money (though you still will lose a fair amount as we did, if you have to pull her out mid-semester due to health reasons).

We cannot obtain tuition insurance for our d at the state college she is attending now, so when we tell our d we can not recover any tuition money that is lost due to her health, it is absolutely true.

Kali, I have read your posts and you are doing a very good job with your d. Hang tough. I am hopeful for you.




Francie

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Kali
Thanks, Francie. Sounds like we are in similar situations.

If D. does get to go back to her college in fall 2017 there will certainly be eyes on visits quite frequently, and she will need to sign all the HIPPA forms so that her team can communicate with us. We have already identified an ED program near her college where she can be monitored at for weight, md and nutritionist and I have told her what we would require. She would need to be in a place where she could manage with less support than she has at the present time, for example seeing them every 2 weeks.

But she won't be going until she is in a stronger place of recovery. And honestly if she is too ill to leave home, she can live here at home and go to college nearby while we continue to work on her recovery. She hates not being able to do what she wants and wants to be an independent YA and did not like that one bit when I said that and I am hoping that this will work as a catalyst and a kick in the b**t for her to get to a higher level of recovery.

I have seen some positive things happening since I let her know she was not going back in January. She is being more proactive about taking food for herself for example, since I and her team let her know that she would need to be able to: 

Eat independently
Be fully nourished and not skip any meals. At the very least 3 meals a day and 1 snack.
Be at the weight range her team told her she needed to be at and be able to maintain that for at least 6 months before she could leave home, and then maintain at school or we will bring her home.

I won't fall for her gaining 5lbs this month and then wanting to go back, since we already tried that when she went off the first time and because there are just too many red flags right now. It would need to be a sustained weight gain and maintenance. Her original college has been very nice and will hold 100% of the tuition money we paid for the failed semester and apply it to her tuition if she goes back. And they even gave us a refund for the percentage of the housing and meal plan money that she did not use due to her withdrawal. D. feels terrible about the money we spent which we will not get back and it just makes her feel like a loser so I do not actually spend all that much time talking about the money except to frame it as there is too much financially at stake for her to return to school before she is fully recovered. The school will need to have all of her team sign off that she is ready to come back and end the MLOA, so it is not just me telling her what she needs to do, the school has it's requirements as well. Which I think is great. As far as this semester at home as a visiting student at a local college, I do think she is going to make it through from what I am seeing with the support she is getting. But she needs way too much support to be able to leave home at the moment. And honestly, if she cannot go back ever and we lose the money my d. is worth much much more than any amount of money, and we will just take the loss.

I have rearranged my schedule starting this week, so that I am home more and doing some work from home part time and working out of the house only part time, and am doing everything I can to be an excellent and firm meal support and we will see what happens now. 

I am always interested in the thin line between the fact that they do not choose this illness and can't control it at it's worst and the fact that there also seems to be more volition when they improve to be able to choose to eat and choose more recovery minded self care. 

Thanks. 

Kali

Food=Love
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hopefulmama
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I am always interested in the thin line between the fact that they do not choose this illness and can't control it at it's worst and the fact that there also seems to be more volition when they improve to be able to choose to eat and choose more recovery minded self care. 


I have struggled with the same question.  I think the stage of recovery and age of the sufferer play into it.  I also think some of it is a retraining of the brain that needs to occur as well.  Of course, nothing can happen until nutritional rehabilitation and weight restoration occur, but what role then does choice play? I also think that the whole situation is complicated by the fact that often once the nutritional rehabilitation and weight restoration are accomploshed, their lives are in shambles and depression is still present which further complicates things. It is interesting, because now that my daughter is many years into recovery, she has stated that it was ultimately a decision on her part to stop the cycle that turned things around for her.  She said it is the last thing she would have wanted to hear when she was in that place (that she had some control over the situation), but she sees it that way now.  It is hard to know how much of that is her view from where she sits today, but it is interesting nonetheless I think.

On a brighter note, my d is taking an abnormal psych class that is known to be very hard at her school.  She currently has the highest grade in the class. She joked that she has an unfair advantage because she had most if the illnesses that they cover in the class. [biggrin]


Enjoying my 23 year-old daughter's achievement of active recovery that was made possible by the resources and education I found on this forum.

Don't give up hope!
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EDAction
hopefulmama,

Your last line gave me a good laugh.  [biggrin]   We have to laugh, right?
DD diagnosed with anorexia at 14; FBT at home with the help of psychologist and medical dr; 3+ years later and doing well (knock on wood)
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Torie
EDAction wrote:
Your last line gave me a good laugh.  [biggrin]   We have to laugh, right?


Haha, I laughted, too. So glad your d is on a good path now, hopfulmama! xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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Kali
Thanks for the laugh, that was funny! I really needed it!

I've just endured another 1/2 hour shrieking fit from d. claiming I am ruining her life by not letting her go back to college spring semester because she does not weigh enough. This eating disorder is a _________________. (insert the worst swear word you can imagine)

How did this become our lives? When can we get a better one?

Kali


Food=Love
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EDAction
Oh Kali I am so sorry about the screaming. Remember you are the one with the big picture perspective. You are the one strong enough to require what is best for the long run. Not $!&@!# ED. Thinking of you!!
DD diagnosed with anorexia at 14; FBT at home with the help of psychologist and medical dr; 3+ years later and doing well (knock on wood)
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EB
Kali wrote:
She argued like a lawyer about how I am ruining her life and completely doesn't understand why it is important to gain any weight.

So great, now I get to pay money to have my d. go to her therapist and complain about her mean overprotective mom who is ruining her life. When does this end?

Now she hates me and of course is refusing to eat with me.

Ok she has just come into my office and has spoken to me like a polite human being and is going to her nutritionist appointment. Maybe things will quiet down.

Any advice?



No advice; but plenty of cheering from the sidelines!  Sounds to me like you have got this.  All I can offer is that the stuff that I picked out (above) from your post - is totally par for the course.  Of course it sucks, as you might say across the pond, and it is unfair, and feels like hell, but, just in case it might make you feel a little better, it is all to be expected.

Post recovery, my daughter explained it to me that she KNEW what I was doing was the right thing, but that she HAD to fight me on it - because that is what the illness required.  It was also, however, she said a relief to her, for someone else to deny her the exhausting responsibility of dancing to the relentless eating disorder tune.

Smooth your well oiled feathers, let her rail, then shake it all off like the proverbial water off a duck's back. Imagine her railing at a tiny eating disorder demon sitting on her shoulder - in full pantomimic style - but with a big wink to the audience.

Our job, is to keep one step ahead of the eating disorder - in spite of the myriad siren calls to lead everyone off track.  Stop your ears; gird your loins; keep your eye on the prize!  She may never know to actively thank you, but she will live to have much to thank (and love) you for.


Erica, UK
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mjkz
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I've just endured another 1/2 hour shrieking fit from d. claiming I am ruining her life by not letting her go back to college spring semester because she does not weigh enough.


Just a thought Kali but you might want to employ the old "I'm not engaging with your eating disorder" and shut that behavior down so you feel less frustrated.  I've been known to put on noise canceling headphones when my daughter gets going on one of those big rants [frown]
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Psycho_Mom
"I've just endured another 1/2 hour shrieking fit from d. claiming I am ruining her life ..."

Hi Kali,

One of the few threads of mine that I have left up is called "It's Official: She Hates me and I've Ruined her Life". Search for it, perhaps it is relevant t you now. I left it up because it got so much response. The middle time (after refeeding and before remission) is a really, really long slog, in my remembrance. Please know that if you insist and require that the weight stay on (and go up as appropriate) and keep incrementally and consistently pushing for all the positive changes you want to see, and do not back down no matter who says to, your d will gradually stop shrieking about how you're ruining her life!!

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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Kali
Hi

Thanks for the link to the thread Psychomom. If my d. is calling me the same things that your d. did then I am in excellent company. 

Things have calmed down a little. D. has stopped saying she hates me and instead is saying she is dedicated to recovery so that she can eventually go back to her college that she is on medical leave from. She is now eating ok with us again. But it is scary to see how any upset effects her eating. Life will have it's share of upsets even after recovery.

Onward...bkfast chocolate milk and cereal with whole milk and a banana...lunch...big sub sandwich from the local deli.

Trying to feel hopeful. I have drawn a line in the sand and let's see if she can (with our support) cross to the other side. 

Kali
Food=Love
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sk8r31
Cheering you on from afar Kali!  You've got this....and it IS frustrating and exhausting to keep doing the two steps forward, one step back dance.

However, I have seen such tremendous progress from reading your posts over the past year or so.  I have no doubt that with your continued, relentless, absolutely unconditional loving support, your d will reach a place of recovery allowing her to have the rich and full life she deserves.

You are doing hero parenting....
It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
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Kali
Hi....just want to say that I am seeing progress with my d.

She decided to gain weight so that she could someday go back to the university she was attending away from home.

She has gained 4 lbs this month and has been able to take some meals and snacks on her own. Has eaten cake, and other fear foods. I have been like Betty Crocker with meals and calories and pulling out all the stops to make mealtimes both pleasant and nutritious and she is working hard to face up to her fear of weight gain.

I don't want to jinx this by talking about it but am feeling a little more hopeful and less frightened than for a long time...we need to keep going and not stop what we are doing....am keeping the food coming.

D. is back to voicing a desire to have a life and a future and an education and a recovery and impatience that this takes so long. 

Kali
Food=Love
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OneToughMomma
Oh that is wonderful news, Kali! So heartening to hear of the progress your d is making. Well done to you both.

xoOTM
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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mjkz
Good to hear there is positive progress!!!
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ed_newbie
[thumb] Sounds like she found some motivation!

"Lineage, personality and environment may shape you, but they do not define your full potential."    Mollie Marti  

ed_newbie

15 yr old d diagnosed with AN late December 2015 at the age of 12 after a 23 lb weight loss during prior 3 months. Started FBT/Maudsley at home on Christmas Eve with support from amazing local nutritionist specializing in ED and trained in FBT. WR Feb 2016 and pushing our way through puberty and rapid growth.
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