F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Pingu
Does anyone else really find this too much.

I’m feeling really down and my d is not very responsive on calls so it’s making it harder.
I’m down after the op Cos I’m out of routine and I feel so overwhelmed with it all
Everyone else seems so geared up for the fight and I’m hiding in the corner
Quote
Foodsupport_AUS
Sorry that you are feeling so miserable at the moment. I think all of us have times where we just want to run away, withdraw  or escape from what is happening. I met several other mothers this weekend, all of whom have had children with some form of ED at various levels of recovery for 7+ years. We all admitted that at times we had just wanted to escape.

When we feel that way we need to take care of ourselves, seek help close by if we can, eat well, sleep well, be kind to ourselves. Those feelings do pass, but they can overwhelm us if we give them the chance. Please take care.
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Quote
Warrior1
Aww Pingu it really is too much. No one should have to go through this. My D wasn’t in inpatient care but I still felt extremely sad during the refeeding process and at times I still do now. I can imagine you miss the physical presence of your D so much which must be adding to your strain. If you feel like hiding in a corner, then hide, take the time to process how your feeling. You may then re-emerge with a different perspective. This illness is like a bereavement it is probably going to take a long time for everyone in the family to deal with it emotionally and move on once it’s over! Sending you hugs. Xx
Quote
yellowcaty
Hi Pingu

I’m hiding in that corner with you too. It does feel sometimes like everyone around us is so much stronger. I just hold on to the fact that people on here say it does get better and we have to have faith in that. Them being in IP is so hard and all I want to do at times is just go and bring her home, but I have to hold onto the fact that she is not ready. Some of us can’t do it at home and there is no shame in that. Our D just need a higher level of care. Try to do something nice for yourself today. I have learnt to just deal with one phone call at a time. If she doesn’t want to talk I just say that’s fine and tell her that I love her.

Take care xxx
Quote
smileymum

Hey Pingu and Yellocaty

I'm sorry it's just so relentless and gruelling facing into the harshness of this dreadful illness. My heart goes out to you and I can relate:  my d was in a psych unit first and then ED IP and it felt like someone had ripped my insides out and replaced them with jelly. Sometimes it still does feel like that when the fear takes hold. I can only liken it to a grieving process..it all seems so wrong.

I wondered if it would ever get better. She was just so lost and ill. It did (although we are not out of the woods.) I just want to say that it is OK and natural to feel like you do right now - it's plain horrible and you're having a traumatic time. If it helps any, on some days when I felt a little stronger,  the most I could say was that I still commit to being there for her. I don't know what that looks like, I don't know how and I feel like jelly inside. And that will have to do. I was not strong and I got it wrong a  lot but she does remember I didn't give up on her. Your d will too, I'm sure, in time.

For now, you've reached out on a day when it's all come crashing down on you. Well done for that  - that's wise of you because it can be such a lonely, lonely journey.  I hope there will be additional words of comfort for you today when things have hit particularly hard. 

Come back and keep 'talking' as much as you want. Thinking of you xx

Smileymum
Quote
yellowcaty
Hi all
Smileymum Thankyou for the words of encouragement. It is so good to hear from people who have got through IP.

Pingu I don’t know why but since I read your post I have had the song ‘lean on me’ going around my head. I think it should be the anthem for this site. We all need someone to lean on at certain times.

Oct 18 are you in the uk too? My daughter had trouble engaging and her unit have been very patient. Sometimes it just takes longer for some.

Sending lots of love to everyone
Xxxx

Quote
deenl
HI Oct18,

This type of talk is very common on pro ana sites. Can you check her electronic devices to see if she is visiting them? Please consider using parental contols to block them. They are very,very dangerous.

Big hugs,

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
Oct18
Thanks Deenl I will check that xx
Quote
willinclt
Single dad here. My daughter's been restricting for the last 2 weeks and I'm just feeling so down and defeated. We've had some dips and minor setbacks since we've been home from Veritas but this is the the most sustained relapse we've had. We're still in monthly outpatient with Veritas and seeing an ED therapist separately. Therapist appt tonight and will need to move up the outpatient appt.

I personally just feel abandoned and alone in all this. Her mom is no help and out of town. Everyone else has their lives and kids to tend to and problems of their own. I keep looking for light at the end of the tunnel and only see more tunnel.

I wish I was somewhere else and then I feel guilty for wanting to abandon my daughter to this horrible disease.

Being sad is normal. It's also draining.
Quote
Torie
Pingu wrote:
Does anyone else really find this too much.

I’m feeling really down and my d is not very responsive on calls so it’s making it harder.
I’m down after the op Cos I’m out of routine and I feel so overwhelmed with it all
Everyone else seems so geared up for the fight and I’m hiding in the corner


Pingu, of course you feel overwhelmed!!!  You just had surgery!  It is so very unfair when life piles one major problem on top of another - it is hard enough to deal with them when they come in single file.  And yes, all of us find "just" ED to be really too much, without surgery or additional trauma on top.  

Now is the time to catch up on self-care a bit.  Your full and quick recovery is what will benefit your d most right now.

Peace. xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
Quote
melstevUK
Pingu,

Sorry for what you have been through and going through.  When you have your own physical issues to deal with, and feel under the weather, it makes dealing with this illness even harder.  If your d is not responsive - I would wait a while and leave it up to her to phone you.  It does not mean that you are not showing her love - she maybe needs to recognise that she needs you and may reach out when she realises this.  It gives you some space to come to terms with everything that is happening and get your energy levels back up.  If phoning her is making you feel bad right now, then have a break.  

Oct18:

"She is adamant she doesn’t want to get better and by making her we are taking away her identity"

While the response internally may be one of gut-wrenching agony at hearing these kind of phrases, I personally would respond in a sharp and matter-of-fact way and tell her you are not prepared to hear her say things like that and that she needs to get her life together with an identity that does not consist of being ill.  I always gave my d the message that she needed to do more with her life than be an illness and she took it on board.  It was a long haul with very little effective support but she is fully recovered now.  Your d needs to hear that you will not sympathise or support this viewpoint.  It is worth trying this approach.

willinclt: Welcome and sorry you have to be here and for what you are going through.  These illnesses suck the joy out of our lives, that is for sure. Please start a separate thread if you want.  We know how hard this journey is.  Feel free to ask questions and you will get lots of support.
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
Theodore Roosevelt.
Quote
tina72
Hi Pingu,

it is o.k. to feel sad and it is o.k. to hide in the corner. I did this for weeks and still do now and then.
I send you a big hug.
Please do something nice for yourself.

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
Mcmum
Hi Pingu,
Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. This illness is tough on all of us but some people on here - yourself included - seem to have an appalling time of it. A daughter in IP, surgery....it's bound to make you feel low.
For all the fighting talk on here and the many positives, there are a million tears, angry words and feelings of despair lurking in the background. Hope tomorrow is a bit better but if it's not, we're with you in spirit x
Quote
Pingu
Thanks everyone
I felt bad posting that Cos everyone’s so positive and you don’t want to put people off.
I just felt useless today but everyone’s words meant so much
Also literally 30 minutes after posting my employer sent flowers from the team which was such positive timing.
I’m gonna have a gentle drive over and see her tomorrow and see what happens.
I recognise all the behaviours we’ve talked about in the threads and that in itself has helped
Thanks everyone appreciate your support so much

Michelle xxx
Quote
scaredmom

Pingu,
You are in the middle of a perfect storm and we can all relate to how awful it can be, especially as you just had surgery. Please be kind to yourself.

All the best,
XXX

When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote
HopeNZ
Hi Pingu and other parent warriors (and welcome from me too, Willincit)

"Everyone seems so geared up for the fight and I'm hiding in the corner"
I think this it's one of the great strengths of this forum, Pingu, that we can take turns to support one another when we're feeling strong, and reach out for comfort and reassurance when we feel small and afraid. I suspect at any given time we're all somewhere on that spectrum! I know I have days when I lurk here quietly, drawing hope and encouragement from the collective! I have no doubt that sometime in the not too distant future, you'll be looking back on these difficult times and offering words of wisdom and experience to those who feel like you do right now 😊

Enjoy your flowers.
Warmly
Hope
Quote
Ronson
Thinking of you Pingu - it has been such a hard time for you - take some time to care for yourself.
Quote
deenl
Hi Pingu,

When my son was IP I visited everyday (that was what I needed and wanted to do). And, of course, often he rejected me. I would head off to the cafe and treat myself to a lovely cup of coffee and a half hour of reading. It was lovely and soothing. I would head back to see if the mood was any better; if yes, our visit continued as if nothing had happened; if not, then I would lightly say that it's not going well today so I'm going to head off and I'd see him tomorrow. I recognised that he was totally emotionally disregulated and literally reacted randomly at any given time. There was no rhyme or reason to it and it was not personal. There was a phase later where his reaction to me got worse but our relationship is warm, affectionate and quirky again.

It does get better.

Warm wishes

D
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
Quote
tina72
"I felt bad posting that Cos everyone’s so positive and you don’t want to put people off."

Please NEVER feel bad about venting, if this is not the place to do it we would have none.
We are not always positive. We have all our ups and downs and there will come some time in future when you will be the person that helps others to go through bad times and now you can take that help from us and hopefully get better. Great that you got those flowers! It is just a little thing but means so much!

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Quote
cm72
My husband came home one day and I was on the floor just completely broken. He picked me up and told me to get out of the house for a couple of hours. So yes, I’ve been completely down in the gutter too. I’m hoping your day gets brighter after those flowers. Come vent to us anytime.
Quote
canadamom12
I am right there with you. My d is IP currently and I’m really struggling. The road ahead looks so dark and hopeless. We are only two weeks in. I am trying to heed advice to take it day by day but that is much easier said than done.
It helps to know we are not alone.
Quote
yellowcaty
Hi canadamom12

At first it does look dark and hopeless, but have hope from all of the people in here that have come out of that tunnel. I’m not sure it gets easier, but you do begin to accept IP and come to realise that it is for the best (obviously depending upon the unit). We are now nearly 7 months in and it still breaks my heart every time we leave her, but I know we wouldn’t have been able to do it at home and I have nightmares about what might have happened.
Make sure you take some time for yourself and get your energy levels up, so you are in the best place when she gets home.
Remember you are not alone x
Quote
Pingu


Not sure if it will work but this is something I shared with my daughter a couple of years ago and I think it’s lovely
Quote
Mamaroo
Very sweet, thanks for sharing. Hope you are having a better day Pingu. 

Sending you lots of hugs!!!!
D became obsessed with exercise at age 9 and started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. View my recipes on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKLW6A6sDO3ZDq8npNm8_ww
Quote
scaredmom
It is indeed lovely!
XXX
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
Quote

        

WTadmin