F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Djb88 Show full post »
Thanks for your reply.  I find the team seems to be saying that this is normal for my d to feel like that and it is just part of the process.  Her father and I are not so sure.  It’s very hard to determine whether it’s ED or her that feels this way.  How can we tell when her Ed is so strong?  She did scratch and try to cut herself last night which she showed me this morning (which she hasn’t done in weeks) and the running away is new this week.  She said she heard some of the others talking about it in the group session.  The worst part is her pleading that it’s making her worse and nobody believes her.  It’s so tough to know what to do.  I feel like her psychologist just feels we don’t trust in the process which is not true but at the same time can I completely disregard everything my d is saying.  There is no real plan b other then to bring her back home for FBT (which is what my d wants) which we were struggling with due to lack of guidance (local services aren’t providing FBT so we trying to do it on our own really).   It’s so hard to know what to do!
It is normal and part of the process.  I have never heard of someone with an eating disorder who likes or wants to go to treatment.  Ed starts to feel threatened and I heard all the same things you're hearing.  It is hard but I can honestly say I've never regretted making my daughter stay in treatment. I have however regretted it every time I pulled her out based on what I was hearing from her.  You do need to have some trust in what the team is telling you and remember that your daughter is the one who is sick. She is not the best judge right now on what she needs.  My rule of thumb was the more my daughter complained about something, the more she needed it.
Is she in the program over the weekend? If she is not, can you tell her if she eats everything over the weekend she will not have to go back? Could you than keep her enrolled in the program and if she started not cooperating take her back again? I have no experience with programs or kids influencing mine. I refed my daughter myself with only the help of books and this forum. I am not saying that is the right thing to do . This was just my experience. If she stays in the program, can you provide food instead of the fear foods with sugar that they will give her. The main thing is that she is eating consistently and getting the weight on. If she really refuses fear foods you can use a more laddered approach and make your own things with honey instead of sugar that you give to the program.
In our case we took our d home to do FBT and we did it on our own and with the help of this forum too. Our incentive was that she must eat all we serve and tackle all fear food or she needs to go back. This was the last thing she wanted and I remember that I only needed to ask her to pack her bag to drive back to hospital once during refeeding.
So I like debras idea: if she eats with you in the evening or at the weekends you could try to ask her to proov that she can eat all you serve and she can accept that sugar is part of a normal diet and that this is her ticket to get out there. You need to make sure that FBT works at home. Here hospital was such a bad experience that she prefered to be at home with "army parents" (her words) than to go back to hospital.

The big question is wether there is progress in these IP/OUP programs or not. If she is going backwards or it does more harm than it helps rethink your options.
But of corse it is also possible that ED tries to get home again because it was easier there. You can find out who wants to come home when you ask her to be compliant there and to proov that she can eat at home.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I tend to agree with mjkz here. When ED is challenged they can really kick up a fuss and makes us sympathize with them. 
Of course there are good and bad programs.  
I worry that by appeasing her would you be appeasing ED? Maybe this program is tough on her as it needs to be? And remember unless you are actually there as a witness and not biased you may not be hearing the full truth. 
I know that they can get triggered  by other kids. if they are a reputable program they should be able to handle these things.
You mention she finds it difficult emotionally but that distress is expected and truly needed to get to the other side. You can’t make it easy for her. 
Mjkz points out that she cannot be the best judge here as she is unwell. That is so true.
Remember too that we all find what works for our individual situation. I myself could not have done this alone as some others  have done here. As alone as I felt, I did have a team and leaned on their experience to help me.
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
I think it is true that being in treatment / eating more than previously does truly increase ED thoughts. There are also I think lots of negatives about a group environment, the competitiveness, the learning of new ED behaviours etc.. I am not sure my D for example would have started self harming if her best friend in treatment had not been cutting. 

At the same time if treatment and feeding at home was not going well, then you do need to look at some other program, and unfortunately they are often group programs with others with ED. That allows for people to understand ED, but the concentration of ED in the room is probably a bad thing. 

As others have said, your D may not be the best judge of what is happening. She will see things through ED tinted eyes. To get better she will need to work on shutting out those things that trigger her and concentrate on her own recovery. Reminding her that their journey is not hers. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.