Registered: 1501671842 Posts: 54
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I wonder if anyone else has experienced this?
We had our fortnightly meeting with our FBT therapist yesterday. It's a year since our d was discharged from IP. She has been WR for about seven months, is maintaining a weight well within the weight-for-height range suggested by our T, and is soundly back on her historical curve. She has grown, and her weight has been adjusted accordingly. She has been making slow but steady progress through the early phases of Stage 2. To mark the year-since-discharge milestone, our T did a couple of questionnaires with us, and it clarified that my d is making good progress working through the goals for Stage 2, although a couple of big challenges remain. This is what is baffling me... It's as if we were at different meetings! I came away walking on air because I felt the meeting had been overwhelmingly positive. I talked about how proud we are of her progress, how brave she's been, how well she's done reestablishing a circle of good friends around her (after social issues last year), and made concessions about the way we do some of the meals and snacks (without compromising on overall food input). But my d is spitting mad at me! She could barely speak to me in the car afterwards or for the rest of the day, was furious all evening, was uncharacteristically rude to us all, refused to discuss anything with any of us, and on top of that engaged in some teenage behaviour which meant we had to follow through and confiscate her beloved phone. At one point she yelled that I never said anything nice about her, ever! This morning, the dark cloud of gloom remains. H suspects it's another kind of extinction burst, ED attempting to assert itself again in the midst of all this good news about my d's progress. I wonder if she's experiencing some kind of fear of leaving the ED behind. Would love to know your thoughts, thanks!
Registered: 1492110966 Posts: 388
Reply with quote #2
Wow you and H and D have done so well! You should feel so pleased! I am proud of you all. Just a couple of questions. What are the big challenges she has to work on? Is that an upsetting topic for her? Is she upset that moving into stage 2 nicely then mom and dad won't help her anymore? Is she dependent on you that if she does more on her own then she may think you will not help her. My oldest D as she got older, said she did not want to grow up because then I would not take care of her- if was confusing to me but that is what she said. She is fine now and quite independent at almost 20 . She used to say that at 14-17 or so. Is her mood overall good and "normal" for her? Does she need more weight gain. Yes and i agree she may be fearful of leaving ED behind. It was due to ED her life had to change and morph into what it is now and maybe, just maybe, there is comfort with the routine at this time and to let go and change is scary. Change is scary for most of us. I hope it gets better soon and this will just be a blip. Others will be along soon too with their comments and support. XXX
Food+more food+time+love =healing--->recovery
Registered: 1454901521 Posts: 461
Reply with quote #3
It is strange that what is making us happy, makes them upset. I use to be that after a meeting at the hospital, either she was crying or I was. Praising their efforts and their progress can be very upsetting for them. I don't know why. It could be the fear of leaving ed. It is like breaking up with a bad boyfriend, hard but necessary. Maybe don't talk about it again. If you see her after school today, just pretend the meeting didn't take place and try and focus her attention on other activities. Are there new things she might be interested in, art, music? Just ignore the rude behaviour. My d was 9.5 when she became ill and was 11years old at WR. She was a different person after WR, with other interests and wasn't at all interested in her old hobbies. Even without ED, she would be entering adolescence, which means a shift of interests. Now ED took away that transition and suddenly she needs to reinvent herself, leaving ED and childhood all behind at once. Now we need to find new activities to engage her. Hope she is in a better mood today! __________________ D became obsessed with exercise at age 9. Started eating 'healthy' at age 9.5. Restricting couple of months later. IP for 2 weeks at age 10. Slowly refed for months on Ensures alone, followed by swap over with food at a snails pace. WR after a year at age 11 in March 2017. She is back to her old happy self and can eat anything put in front of her. Now working on intuitive eating.
Registered: 1523887050 Posts: 130
Reply with quote #4
This feels like us at the moment. My D came out of her last CBT session after hearing such positive news - (that we were giving her more independence to be a 16 yr old teenager) and as we came away in the car, with me and h feeling like a huge weight had been lifted, my D burst in to fury with me saying I had held her recovery up for a week! She apologised later that evening saying it was frustration at still being on a structured meal plan but again this morning she’s stropped with h over how he makes porridge. Needless to say he put ED firmly out of the front door!
We thought it was trying again to get it’s hooks in as she has been doing so well. However previously she has told us that being told she is doing well is a real motivator for her...we are so confused too.
I put the radio on loud this morning to diffuse the mood. Her favourite up beat song came on but no change!
Keep on doing what you’re doing I say.
Registered: 1452437794 Posts: 2,208
Reply with quote #5
I think the reality is for many patients they cannot bear praise or being congratulated especially in the early recovery stage for many reasons. Often, the recovery process is not their choice, they are in FBT and "required" to conform. The anorexia is probably pretty active giving her a very hard time in her brain. Anorexia is probably beating her up for conforming. When the treatment team told my S he was doing well, he was absolutely furious. He was so angry, or should I say ED was so angry. I found the best thing was to say absolutely nothing about being proud, or great progress and just celebrate it as a win inwardly. Keep feeding, it takes a long time for brain healing. Have you seen this video __________________ Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
Registered: 1284535839 Posts: 3,649
Reply with quote #6
I tend to agree TF. ED is our kids worst best friend. They often feel a great loyalty and as you say very guilty when cheating on ED. Hearing positive things just causes confusion and dilemma. So yes keep on pushing towards recovery. Keep on loving them and take very small steps, which feel to us like they are going nowhere until we look back and see how far we have come.
__________________ D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13.5. Weight restored July 2012. Relapse and now clawing our way back. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
Registered: 1396016102 Posts: 4,990
Reply with quote #7
It's very common for them to have a bad reaction to praise for recovery. I learned to never do that, never utter the word "healthy" and other odd habits. ED is so weird. You're doing great! Keep going. xx -Torie __________________ " We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP ♡
Registered: 1501671842 Posts: 54
Reply with quote #8
Thank you, wise ones. Your experiences and insights all throw light on what could be going on for our d. They also remind us that, although in many ways our d now looks and acts like any other teenager, we're still at a very early stage in our journey and there are still many battles to be fought and won.
Her mood is slowly improving again, and last night she said she really doesn't know why she reacted the way she did. I think it's bewildering and frightening for her (ED giving her a hard time for conforming to the programme, the fact that she does have to conform, the fear of giving ED up, the need to reinvent herself etc) and even she can't sort it out in her mind. As if growing up isn't hard enough already! Thank you for the video, Toothfairy, it is excellent.
Registered: 1452437794 Posts: 2,208
Reply with quote #9
You are welcome, Here is my favourite! __________________ Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.