F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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hope2016
Hello All-
My D, 14, was officially diagnosed with RAN in November 2015 and weight restored in April having gained 20 pounds and reaching the bottom of her weight range- 90 pounds.  Ever since it has been even more of an uphill battle.  Her FBT therapist thought it was important for her to know her weight and as a result D's ED has resolved to fight even harder.  Having reached the WR mark, we entered phase 2- at which point I began to relax/escape  a little too much.  I allowed her to cut back on snacks and although I do make sure she has high calorie meals and drinks I know the ED is running the roost.  No excuses, I have definitely dropped the FBT ball.  
I need to get back on track and we all know those last few pounds are the hardest, no different here.  I need encouragement and reassurance that I'm not the worst Mom ever!  Our entire family has been struggling with mental illness (again, no excuses).  My 16 yo D has Asperger's and is suffering from sever bouts of depression and is overweight (trying to lose weight)- went through day treatment in March.  My husband who I strongly suspect has Asperger's also suffers from pretty extreme depression- so the FBT is up to me and I'm just sick of it all. I've been cracking up a bit but things are slowly getting better..... Waaah- okay that's over time to hop back on that wagon!
Thanks for being here, reading and any words of encouragement/advise on how to regain control!! Onward! 
Miriam Thrasher
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OneToughMomma
Get that wagon rolling!

It's never too late and there is always hope, Hope. Our d dipped in and out of WR over many years , and is in a very solid-looking recovery now.

Your d is only 14, and you can take back control. You have more than your share of burdens, but we will do all we can to support you from here.

Would you like to ask or talk about some specifics? Are all of her meals and snacks supervised? Can you give her smoothies? They are GOLD!

Sending you a big cyber hug and a big push on the back of the wagon.

xoOTM

D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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sueM43
I am in the exact same position with my 15 year old. She re-gained just about all the weight now has dropped back down and I know how you feel...I got more relaxed and then bam it seemed all of a sudden she dropped pounds...now I am back on track and hoping she will gain it all back and more. I feel like we are back at the beginning. Her team is now talking residential programs and I am so very scared of them. Best of luck to you xoxoxox
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Juno
I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself, hope2016. It sounds like you have done some hard work and are following the advice of your team and that they are following the FBT timeline. It's not at all unusual to have lots of ups and downs.

I might encourage you to question you team, though. If she has shown that she is not ready for choice yet, I would take choice back off the table. No debate, no compromises.  My d was WR last summer and, even now, her choice is only in the content of her snack or meal, not the amount. If her snack is to be 200 cal. and she would like a 16o cal bar, I add a few almonds to make up the difference.  This might go away with time but, for now, it is still important to let ED know that we do not negotiate. Do you think her therapist would back you on this?

I found that it helps not to be punitive about taking a step back.  Choices can be overwhelming and she may not be ready. My d was so relieved when we went back to plating--it just took a while before she could admit that.
Mom of a younger outpatient
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Sotired
You sound really tired.this is a hard road and much much longer than any of us are initially ready to accept.with other special needs in the family it's even harder.i have an ASD son and a dyslexic daughter as well as my an daughter.until you live it all together you can't know what it's like.i got to a point where I envied parents with a singleton who had an.they could pour all their time and resource into their child,I could not and still can't.it saps you of strength.
Do one thing every day for you.build up your own reserves.make sure your ASD husband and daughter have their lists of jobs to do,even if they protest.my h has to do dishes, my ASD boy has to take out the trash,tidy his room...these are just examples (their lists are longer,trust me!)
I hired a cleaner.even if it's just once a fortnight it's one less burden if the heavy cleaning is done.if there is someone who could make you a meal a week then let them.
Try to go for a walk even for ten minutes just to clear your head every day.
And if residential is an option in your area, research it and have it in your back pocket if you need it.it can genuinely be the straw that breaks the camels back to do FBT when you are too depleted to do it.you have to look for options that work for you and your family.you don't have to do residential just because you research it, sometimes it's just enough for people if they know it's there.
I hope you find a way through this-for me my dogs, the gym and my friends pull me through-and a good antidepressant.
Look after yourself,
Sotired42
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hope2016
Thank you all so much for taking the time to share encouraging and supportive words.  It truly means so much.  I mis-typed- my D is 13. Toughmama- yes her meals are all supervised with the exception of school lunch- I made the decision to allow her to eat in the cafeteria at lunch and meals have come back uneaten- no lying- just uneaten.  School is almost out so we're trying to remedy that- she had been eating with the nurse which she hated.  As far as specifics- I think I'm just wishing she was better already and sort of making myself believe I don't need to be as diligent..  I know what I need to do.  I'm scared of the outbursts but i think I'm coming around to the knowledge that outbursts are actually a good thing... it means ed is losing, right?  

Don't get me wrong- I see a ton of progress- she is beginning to ask for specific foods including some sugary treats, she's asking me "so when's that snack I need to have?"  I'm responding by jumping at all of that with both feet- so I do see some improvement.  

Our team is really supportive of allowing me to steer the boat within reason- I'm sure that they would support me taking some control back- I do still plate her food I'm just beginning to give her choices within meals.  Sotired, I am tired!!  Sounds like you have a full plate yourself (no pun intended).  Clear directions is a great idea- now that summer is here my 16 yo D definitely needs direction! 

Thanks again all- I already feel more empowered.  
-Hope



Miriam Thrasher
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Psycho_Mom
Yes, outbursts are a good thing!!!!

I know, it's SO HARD to remember that. Keep repeating to yourself: When you're getting flack, you're over the target. When you're getting flack, you're over the target. 

You're doing really well, actually. You're learning from mistakes and you know what you have to do. And you're seeing improvement in your d. 

Are you serving all meals and snacks except school lunch? Then what control would you need your team to support you taking back ? (Sorry, confused.) Remember your team is there to support you; I think you can just tell them what you need. Because ummmm, they're not at meals, are they? And you are.

When I started giving my d some control, it was in small things that I could supervise and correct if necessary. Like, first she poured her own milk. That took about a week, because she'd keep pouring less than she needed and I'd have to correct. Then, serve herself the veggies at dinner. That wasn't hard. Then, serve herself the main course at dinner. That was hard; she'd serve herself too little and then argue and negotiate when I corrected. So I said "Too bad for you, you're obviously not ready to do this yet, we'll try again later" and went back to serving her. 

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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