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HateEDwithApassion Show full post »
Juno
I left my son for three months last year and it was awful on him.  I thought he would visit me while my d was in treatment but he refused. I thought my h would trade off more but this didn't happen. My h did the best he could but he also had to work full time and keep a regular sleep schedule. We did get one weekend break when my mom came and stayed with my d for a long weekend. It was this time last year and I came home and got the house ready for Christmas.

For the second round of treatment, we were all in agreement that I couldn't leave home like that again and risk his mental health deteriorating.  My h finally asked to telecommute and his supervisor was very supportive. My h was away for four weeks and I was away for just 1.5.  It still wasn't easy but it was much better in the long run.  The bonus was that my h got some great support and education while he was there. He also got some good bonding time with d.

Is this possible for you? Or is there a family member that could do any of the driving/ staying there for you?
Mom of a younger outpatient
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Torie
That sounds so hard. Ugh. ED is bad enough without being torn in two between sibs. 

I don't know if any of this would work, but I wonder if younger d could stay with a friend the first week while you go with ED-d? Then maybe the second week, your h could go with ED D and you could spend week at home. Maybe by then ED-d will be able to travel the 1 1/2 hour each way commute with you / your h alternating? 

Hang in there. It does get better. (After it gets done with the getting worse part.)

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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HateEDwithApassion
Thanks so much for your insights.  We are in the Milwaukee area. There are so few options when it comes to DBT. One great place, but only work with adults. Another program, but don't follow the adherent DBT model and has mixed reviews. Found one DBT therapist who would work with her who we will probably use upon completion.

She is actively asking for more help with suicidal ideation and hopelessness strong. I'm not sure once a week would be enough to pull her from this depression. We are 5 minutes literally from Rogers which has some elements of DBT therapy - not all - but the reviews on Rogers are not great, and my local doctor and ED dietician said they wouldn't put their own daughters there, so that's why we are headed out of town.

Today, I find out that Insight is not in network for my insurance from Jan. 1-11 when we will be there. It is joining their network on the 12th. I'm afraid to tell my husband the ultimate cost of doing this as he'll say we should wait or find something else. It's crazy expensive - even partial treatment. That sounds awful to even worry about, but it's really a lot. I'm just in knots about this whole thing. I need to get a grip! 
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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HateEDwithApassion
And my H is starting a new job on top of all of this later in January, so taking time off to trade off with me is pretty much impossible. I'm in so much doubt that any of this is the right thing. It's like helping one child to hurt the other. Maybe we are jumping the gun taking her out of school, spending all this money, leaving the rest of the family. I just don't know. Sorry I sound so lost. I am...

19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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Sotired
It can be really hard to make decisions when they are all hard ones.have you already tried meds?they can help with this.
Sotired42
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Psycho_Mom
What is going on with her meds? Was there improvement when she was taking Prozac? Sometimes it is beneficial to work with a psychiatrist specifically and solely on finding the right med and dosage (ie does not have to be an ed specialist, but does need to be a good psychiatrist experiences with medications for adolscent populations). IF she's taking meds now, soundsl ike they definitely need to be reexamined. IF she's not taking any meds now, finding the right one is a process but could be extremely beneficial.

best wishes,
D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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Sotired
Do you have a close friend or relative who can keep your other girl while you are away doing treatment?not all the time,but maybe a couple of nights a week so she can have girl time.then write a plan of how this could be made a bit easier if you will worry about the family you leave behind whilst doing this.it might look something like 1) hire cleaning service to come in fortnightly.
2) have frozen meals in the freezer for one or two nights a week
3)organise for younger d to spend a night a week with a friend or relative
4)have lists for who does what and when they do it-household chores,activities after school.if you can organise someone to pick up d to do the activities ,do so.
Then a list of what you and your an d need to be away.
After that you have done all you can do to help your h and younger d and can concentrate on your an d.
Is it possible to hold treatment off til the 12 th and make do with local help until then?and that's a good time to trial a new meds regime for your d,and if all of this is getting too much for you as well.many of us on here are kept (mostly) sane and (mostly) able to cope with their help.it is definitely something I would try before you go anywhere out of town.good luck,
Sotired42
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Torie
Psycho_Mom wrote:
What is going on with her meds? Was there improvement when she was taking Prozac?


That's a good question. People's experience with Prozac seems to be all over the map. Some are helped. Some go through a worse patch and then are helped. When my d was put on Prozac, her suicidal ideation got worse over the first few weeks, and the psych discontinued it. Of course we have no way of knowing if things would have gotten better or worse had she stayed on it longer, but things did (gradually) get better when she stopped taking it.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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HateEDwithApassion
First, thank you for riding this roller coaster with me. I know I sound so up and down - and I am! You ladies are wonderful and so patient with me. Thank you.

My D was on Prozac for about a year which I think helped some but made her super tired and she couldn't concentrate in class. Then she was moved to Zoloft - 100 mg, which made her feel disaffected so she quit without telling us. Downward spiral. Destructive behavior followed as she self-medicated her depression with other things including pot. Once we figured it out, she's been on Lexapro 30mg. and it hasn't even touched this depression. At. all. Found her with pot, still using it. Still trying to self-medicate the depression. So, the meds, so far, are not working at all. Her T thinks she needs a totally different class.

I just did the math on the costs for Insight being out of network and I do believe that if we keep those plans, we must wait until Jan. 12. The costs are already outrageous anyway ($1,000/day at least for PHP), but in-network, they are thousands upon thousands less because it's covered at a higher amount. I'm not sure how my D will feel about waiting, and her ED T will not like that since she thinks could recommend residential treatment vs. even PHP sooner than later. But at the same time, we have been managing this depression for 9 months so I'm wondering what 2 weeks will do. Does that sound heartless? That doesn't take into account hotels and all the other costs that are not part of that daily rate. Yikes.

There is also a DBT skills group for adolescents in our area. Not partial or even intensive outpatient. One therapist meeting and one group meeting each week for 16 weeks. In town. My therapist has heard mixed things. Another therapist didn't feel that way. I'm starting to wonder if we should try something like that first vs. this drastic step. Oh, I don't know... she's struggling and day by day it can be horrible or tolerable or calm. I never know, so my feelings on what we should do move up and down with her demeanor on any given day.

So, ladies.. moms who know what this is all like --- what would you do if it were your daughter? I know my D is not your D, but I'm an indecisive person by nature and that doesn't help.

I'm a faithful person and I'm praying for God to open doors and close doors so I'm sure I'm doing the best for her, but in this mental health world when our kiddos are so fragile, nothing ever seems positively the "right best" thing. 

19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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sunnyday
Just adding my two cents....there is sure nothing simple about ED and any complicating anxiety or depression stuff.  Add in insurance decisions, money, distance, treatment differences, work, family and you get a complicated stressful mess.  I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that right now.

I like IrishUp's idea of checking into Emily Program Cleveland options.  I realize the distance might be really difficult but the program is solid DBT adherent with ED components built in.  I am going to attempt to back channel email you...I have nice document that explains how the program in CLE incorporates ED into DBT.  There are levels to the things they address...self-harm/suicide first level, etc.  Behaviors with ED and co-occuring stuff are complicated and many times inter-twined.  Messy!  I think they do a good job of sorting it out.  The psychiatric component (depression) for instance can be separate from ED or part of it....sometimes the depression has to be treated by itself before any meaningful therapy can be "heard".  Gotta wonder if the meds need adjustment.  Depression can mess with ED treatment and cause all sorts of issues.

Hope you get my email...hang in there....so tough but age 17 is better than after 18 believe me. Don't delay....after age 18 gets even more complicated...Hit the situation hard now if you can....

Sunnyday
Daughter diagnosed 2010 (9th grade) with AN/Binge/Purge.  D. had brewing ED thoughts as early as 4th grade. Constant battle with ED from 2010-present.  Co-morbid anxiety & depression & suicidal thoughts & self-harm.  Most recently in intense DBT/ED program outpatient . Weight restored but not happy about it.
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Psycho_Mom
Hi,
OK, with the huge caveat that I am not you and my d is not yours, here's what I'd do:

Feed that girl. 
Be on top of every meal and every snack and get that weight up 2 lbs a week until she is at a weight that I KNOW is enough. Nobody can think straight when they're underweight, and depression often alleviates at a healthy weight.

Watch her like a hawk.
A tendency to self harm is no joke. Monitor her phone and devices, check her room, don't let her go anywhere unless you know where she is and who she's with and you feel those are safe places and safe people. Check for sharps and take off all the locks on your doors, if necessary. She won't like any of this of course. Do not blame her; it's not her fault, she has an illness. But also don't apologize; you are doing what you need to do to keep her safe from the illness.

Get an appointment immediately with someone really knowedgable about medications, and get started on a different anti-depressant. If t thinks she needs a different med, t sounds sensible, and can s/he recommend a psychiatrist or other prescriber? These things need to be titrated up and down, and finding the right med can take a long time, but definitely worth the effort.

Make an appointment to meet with the DBT skills class leader. Meet in person, tell her about your d, ask about the class, and then you or you and the leader can decide if it is a good fit. 

Keep researching IP places, and get her on the waiting list, or whatever you need to do, so that if, after a few months of this serious work at home, things still aren't improving, you can get her a higher level of care.

best wishes,

D diagnosed with EDNOS May 2013 at age 15, refed at home Aug 2013, since then symptoms gradually lessened and we retaught her how to feed and care for herself, including individual therapy, family skills DBT class, SSRI medication and relapse-prevention strategies. Anxiety was pre-existing and I believe she was sporadically restricting since about age 9. She now eats and behaves like any normal older teen, and is enjoying school, friends, sports, music and thinking about the future.
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braveMom
Hi HateEdwithPassion,
Your situation seems to be a mirror of ours. Eating okay but lot of suicidal thoughts and rage that we haven't seen before and some substance abuse. I've looked at Insight too that has mood and anxiety program in addition to ED program. Was also interested in ERC, San Antonio which is DBT based and is a PHP program. I left a message for her therapist (individual DBT) who suggested groups to see if she responds. She said they have different groups (one per week, twice per week etc) and we may try after the holidays. I'm here everyday reading posts but don't post much, but will make sure to keep you in the loop.
Mine is 17 too, who is accepted to universities. We had to withdraw her from school and registered her for online classes to finish up her high school credits which she is having difficulty with..not sure if she is not able to focus because of her thoughts or if she always had underlying anxiety and stress for which ED was a coping skill OR may be a combination.

-BraveMom
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HateEDwithApassion
Hi everyone,
I wanted to share an update - and a cool story for those who are okay with a faith story (if not, you can skip that part [smile])

We are not going to Insight in Chicago at this time. It's not in our insurance network, so the cost is crippling. And at the same time, my daughter started showing small signs of improvement. It could be the increased dosage of Lexapro or that finals were over and she has a two-week break from school. But either way, it gave us the opportunity to take a pause and revisit whether we've explored every option here before picking up and moving to another state. 

For the past three weeks, I have been praying this specifically - "Open doors and close doors, God, so I know exactly what I should be doing to help her. Put obstacles in the way of things I shouldn't pursue for her and open doors and make it really obvious which path I should follow for her." I've literally yelled at God in the car that he promises wisdom to those who ask and I wasn't feeling anything specifically being given to me. I have been in knots, as you know. Thanks for all of your advice and guidance.

So, the insurance reality occurs and I start to wonder... is this a door closing? I begin to re-double my efforts to be her advocate. I call the foremost expert in our area for adult DBT directly. He's provided names to my therapist before, but I decided I wanted to talk with him directly since he's the very best. As I'm researching and waiting for a call back, a counseling center about an hour away pops up. DBT groups for teens. Linehan trained. I had never stumbled upon this before, so I write it down along with another one that's more local but not as adherent. The expert calls back within the hour, and I share with him my dilemma and my desire to find the best solution locally for now. I give him the two names I have found, and he graciously looks them up while we talk, gives me specific questions to ask. He also shares that his own teen group is beginning in May. I begin to feel more in control and more hopeful that we may have some options. I call both groups armed with direction from my call with him, leave messages and wait. 

On Tuesday, I receive a call from the DBT director at the center that's about an hour away. They have an adolescent girls group beginning Jan. 4. They are strictly adherent to the DBT model (expert felt strongly that this was important). The day and timing allows me to get my younger D to her activities so her life isn't totally disrupted. I smile for the first time in a while. I'm giddy really. We talk a few more minutes and set up an intake for this week.

I wake up Christmas Eve morning and like a thunderbolt, it hits me... the name of this counseling center is Open Door Counseling.

Open.Door.Counseling. What a God. I'm amazed at how He answers my prayers - with complete clarity. I prayed for open doors and closed doors. I prayed that his direction would be obvious. Wow. 

So, we are going to give this a try, knowing we have other options available to us if we need them, but also knowing that for now, I know this is the right step to take. I'll let you all know how the journey is going. 
19 yo D. AN - since about 15 years old. WR quickly - but the last four years have been tough. Since Sept. 2017, two residential stays, now in IOP, fighting a relapse. ED is hanging on, mental state not great, can't get her to remain at a weight long enough or high enough to see mental healing. She's on a gap year that will likely now turn into two.
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linefine
Hi, I just found this thread - haven't read it all, just the last 4 posts, but it was the last one that made me reply.  My first thought was YAAAAAY!!!  My second thought was Way To Go, God!!!

Praying for more wisdom for you, and healing (however it comes) for your precious girl.

Heather xx
Heather

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES. Love never fails.
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linefine
And having sent the previous reply, I've just seen your Spoke too soon post of Dec 28th with more bad news.  I'm so, so sorry to hear all that, and am still praying hard for you all.

Hxx
Heather

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES. Love never fails.
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Stubby_USA
HateED.   Wow - I've been avoiding a lot of posting this past month because it has just been too much for me, but reading your posts it feels like your D and mine could easily be twins.    Please search my threads and you'll see a lot of where we've been.    We live pretty close by, so I'll PM and we can, perhaps, talk.      Stick with the DBT program.   Keep that backup plan in place, and keep up the prayer!   


----    "Parenting is not for cowards."
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