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lorpat
Even though we got through the WR, (d now weighs 127 and is 5'6" - refed from August 102ish)...and she has maintained exactly 127 for weeks now sort of by gradually letting her eat on her own with me watching, etc. -  it just feels like we are in a new phase and this one feels less clear to me. 

The food thing - I got it!  I can make lots of food and make a person eat - that was somehow really clear and understandable to me. 

But, how do you help someone love themselves, care about herself, cherish herself?  How do you help fix all the broken parts and ease the depression/residual weepy moments/lack of worth?  And even if I did not cause all the broken pieces, it is hard to just stand by and watch a young daughter's life steer so far from "normal" and healthy.  I want to fix it and I can't and when I can forgive myself or let go of the guilt, I am left with struggling with acceptance that this is where my beautiful daughter landed at a time in her life that is supposed to be so different, so full of happiness and hope.  I guess I am mourning the loss of what I had hoped for her. 

Feeling really crappy.  I am afraid of her future and scared she will go backwards - I am also not sure I can see right now how to get from where she is (hopeless looking, depressed, unkempt, stuck in a weird friendship with a controlling strange person, unable to accept any part of herself) to happy.  How do you get there from here?  I want to understand the people who have daughter's living normal lives - what were the elements of success to help a girl get back on her feet???  I struggle with normal teen limits vs. unconditional love and acceptance (when I set limits she is so hurt no matter how well-intentioned, needed, and rational the limits are).  I struggle with staying positive when I had hoped for getting my old daughter back with wr and instead, I have a person I barely recognize. 

Just wondering what tips people have.  I do not have a FBT therapist - none where I live at all - I have my own counselor and she has a CBT counselor who knows ED - but what are the next steps?
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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Torie
Patience, lorpat, patience. My d continues to make progress but it is s-l-o-w. Oh so slow. I feel for you. The worst is that recovery is not linear; just when I thought my d was doing much better, she's now acting all weird again. Ugh. But overall, it IS getting better.

Keep swimming.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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mamabear
Hello lorpat. I remember feeling exactly as you describe above and I am here to give you HOPE. My family is now 5 years in from a diagnosis of anorexia in my then 10 year old (now 15) daughter. She is in a solid recovery and is living a very NORMAL life, but it took A LONG time and a TON of work and patience. The stage concept in my experience and opinion is oversimplified in books etc. It is NOT that simple with no clear boundaries or time lines. It is different for everyone but the "stage 2" part is definitely the most murky and difficult and feels like it lasts forever. 

My daughter also went through a time when she lost her group of friends….found a few new ones and ended up getting into a lot of trouble. She snuck out with older boys at 13, smoked pot, and was NOT AT ALL the child that we knew. She lost herself. She wanted to be accepted. She wanted to feel "pretty". She had lost a lot of time during her illness and it was like she made up for all of her lost early adolescence in a few months. It was terrifying. She was taking risks that could have turned out really horribly. 

How did we get through that? TALKING. We talked and talked and talked and talked. We talked about why she did what she did. We talked about what she felt was missing in her life. We talked about it being OK to grieve for those lost years of her childhood when she was SO sick. We talked about what the future could look like. We talked about the kind of friendships that have true meaning and the kind of man (or woman) she wants to be with someday. We set boundaries. We took away technology as necessary. We encouraged her interest in music, got her a guitar, signed her up for rock camp. And then we talked some more. We talk ALL OF THE TIME about everything in life. We make sure she knows every day that we have got her back. 

I want you to remember this one thing right now: you are EARLY in this process. Very early. It took a solid THREE YEARS for my daughter to be able to completely and independently eat intuitively and not restrict. I would say it took 4 years for her to get back to a more "normal" her. It takes a long time at a solid weight for things to heal. There was a TON of 3 steps forward and 4 back etc. My daughter is 5 feet 4 inches and 130 pounds. your daughter may need a bit more weight as well. (I can't find how old she is). My advice is to TAKE THIS SLOW. Baby steps. Be patient. Watch. Right now you want more than anything for things to just go back to normal- but you must accept that there is a "new normal". Things are not going to be the same. Your daughter is in the very time period of just starting to be able to feed herself  and she needs you to be the mamma dolphin. 

You have come a very long way in a very short time frame. So try to catch your breath and focus on today. Give her TIME. Keep that weight UP. Normal teenagers go though a ton of turmoil in friendships and relationships (I also have a nearly 18 year old D). It is hard. We cannot "fix" that part of their lives. They have to find themselves. We have to be there sometimes to give advice, sometimes to listen, and sometimes to just be there. 
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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lorpat
Thank God for this support forum.  Some days this is just so terribly lonely.  all of your responses are so helpful.  Thank you - I needed exactly what you guys wrote.  Crying now - but good cry.....  thank you.  It is so easy to lose perspective.  I think the worst of it is when you think things are going up and they take a sharp turn back - it feels so defeating.
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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skechers
I echo what's been said.

I still consider my d to be in Phase 2 and we are about 2 1/2 years since dx. Like you we got WR pretty easily. Next step was to continue to feed to maintain. Little by little over the next year we saw spontaneous eating and normal eating behaviors. But in year two d hit new stressors with a breakup with her first boyfriend and then feeling like she had no friends. We continued to make sure she ate and you could see how the stress, without our supervision, would have had her not eating again.

I think many of our ed kids have co-morbids, like social anxiety and self-esteem issues. Mine sure does and that goes hand in hand with her recovery. Like you I often worry about her future because she has to be able to make that connection that she can't let these other issues affect her eating or she's in trouble.

My d is so much better than when we started, but as has been said, recovery is not linear and certainly not along the timelines the books say.

Some things I 've found that help during that rough first year after WR is to make sure you keep watching closely so she doesn't slip. If she has social/self-esteem issues, try to get her involved in something she loves. Mine began to volunteer and then into art. It's been a big help because she hasn't had a good set of friends to rely on. We continue really working on self-esteem and other issues that I know led her down this path and will mess up her recovery.

We try to fix the other broken pieces, it slow and constant work but we've made some progress with a lot to go. You'll get there, just be patient.





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hopeful_mum
Thanks lorpat for posting that question because I'm sure there are alot of us, including me who have a very similar journey. I too felt lost after WR and I think was a bit naive that once we achieved it that she would miraculously be cured. In our rush to try n rid our d of AN we gave her choices too quickly. It quickly became apparent she was far off being able to plate her own food or make her own food choices. We had to regain control. Then after 6 months we realised she wasn't quite WR n upped the food intake again to get her to a healthy weight. And the biggest lesson from her year post discharge from IP was that her recovery was going to take patience and time and it couldn't be rushed. I am now quite prepared to continue controlling n providing all her meals for as long as it takes to keep her at her current weight. I'm now just patiently waiting for intuitive eating to come. The fallout of WR on the other aspects of their life are hard to manage such as the rebellion phase. But from what I've seen on here is all too common. In some ways that made it easier to accept and understand...that there was a reason behind her behaviour.
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job so hang in there and continue to do what you're doing. Take time to look after yourself. Were all in it for the long haul it would seem. But there definitely seem to be many stories of total recovery that we can take solace and encouragement from. You need to be strong to fight this to the bitter end when you can finally kick AN to the kerb.
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lorpat
Yes, rushing is a fault of mine!  I found a quote (and can't find it now of course) but it said something about not being an impatient farmer who tugs on a tender shoot to make it grow faster when it first comes out of the ground - or your will pull the roots and all.  I know I have this weakness - I like to get "things done."  So, hey, she is wr, let's get her entire personality shaped up, eh?  Not good.  I am thinking of just dolphin like encouraging hygiene - maybe that is enough for now.....
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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YogurtParfait_US
Take it slow, maintain supervision with gradual changes, and, you don't say your daughter's age, but "127" is not a magic number--girls need to gain weight through young adulthood.

Most of us here find lots of ups and downs. WR is not magic. It all takes time. My daughter kept gradually improving for two years post WR.

Sending warm support!
"Hope is a wonderful thing ... but hope by itself is not enough. Hope is the reason to take action, to make a plan and then to change the plan when it isn’t working - over and over and over again if necessary." Hannah Joseph (Let's Feast Friday Reflection, "Just Keep Going," Friday, March 3rd, 2015)
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Colleen
It's very true what all the others have said above:  it takes a long time.  W/r is not a magic turning point like we would like it to be.  It's just the first stage in getting the brain back on track.  There's a long lag time between w/r and a big change in emotional healing.  I used to hold onto Bridget's posts (way back when)--she said that it took about five months post w/r to see any change at all, and then it was like the fog blew away.  It wasn't quite like that for us.  It was about a year of glacial ice thawing.  It was very slow.  It helped me to journal (very briefly) every day.  How many outbursts, how the eating went, what kind of vitriol she spewed at me; then how many smiles, did I hear her giggle with her sister, she reached for a Reeses, etc.  It wasn't a straight line of recovery.  And it's exhausting.  It helped me when either of us was having a bad day to look back at a date 3-4 months prior.  The change was imperceptible day-to-day, but if I looked back a few months I could see that she was indeed making progress.

I'm adding the CDC BMI-for-age chart so you can have a look.  Your d is about 16, isn't she?  Her BMI right now is 20.5 which is great--kudos to you for getting 25 lbs on her!!  But it's also good to note that she falls on the 50th percentile for BMI-for-age.  I would never suggest that BMI is a good indicator of health--especially mental health--especially as a sole indicator of health.  But I'm coupling it with your descriptions of her behavior--rigidity around food and weight, refusal to bathe, ritualistic kinds of behavior, depression, etc.  You are describing a STATE that sound very ED-ish.  I'm personally not a fan of the phrase "State Not Weight".  I'm a fan of "State AND Weight," because I've witnessed so many families here who've seen a profound change in their child when they are returned to a healthy weight FOR THEM.  And there are many, many families whose professionals wanted to stop the weight gain too early <waves hand>.

If you can get any height/weight/age information from your d's doc (and in the US, kids are measured and weighed at every doc visit), you can plot them on this chart to see the percentile line she tracked prior to becoming ill.  She should be returned to that percentile--or more.

Often families see a big uptick in ED behaviors when they approach the Dreaded Last Ten Pounds.  Is it possible that your d is stuck just short of w/r?

You have done an incredible job!


[JIndianSocPedodPrevDent_2014_32_3_197_135824_u2]
Colleen in the great Pacific Northwest, USA

"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease."
Alexander Pope, 1688-1744
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Linda2
Dear Lorpat,

I can so relate to what you are saying in your Jan 7 post. It is really hard sometimes to stay strong and confident. I have struggled a lot with feeling bad/ guilty and sad as well. It is only now, after many years (6 yrs of severe illness and 2,5 yrs WR) that I came back to this forum that I have finally dealt with those horrible guilt feelings.

I knew it was vital for me and my daughter to get a handle on that.
It was actually my daughter pointing out to me that those bad feelings make her feel bad about herself and then she gets angry with me because it makes it more difficult for her to eat! 

Reading all the posts on this forum it is so blatantly obvious to me that you are all very caring, loving parents who are working very hard to get their child to eat. I think that made me realise I am not to blame.
So thank you everybody for sharing these feelings- that really helped me!

I also wanted to say I really liked Tories words- go  s-l-o-w-l-y; it might go a bit up and down. And Sketchers focusing on self-esteem: yes!

And I agree that doesn't go well together with 'teen-parenting'.

That's why I am doing 'ANparenting', unusual parenting instead. So I might say do you want to put some undies in the washing machine, instead of complaining about the whole lot.
I think 'self-esteem' first (well... trying!)
My husband contributed a good thought on this topic: he is promoting the "It's good enough".
Nothing has to be perfect [smile]
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Linda2
Hi Lorpat
you posted this comment on dontgiveup's thread

 
Quote:
I fear stage 2 because I don't want to go backwards.  In some ways, I was better at the rigidity of exact calorie meals and weekly weigh-ins.  Now, the doctor won't see her till a month from now and she acts like she never had a problem and is "fine."  But, sometimes, she doesn't finish meals, sometimes, she fusses about a meal - I know this is a tough stage.  I want to be like the dolphin and nudge - but not easy when I have so much anxiety about it all.  And the family - once the "crisis" was over - they sort of went back to being not so pleasant with my d.  They are understandably impatient and frustrated and feeling neglected by all that focus on her.  But, it scares me that I can't control the family and what if they send her backwards?


I know this stage and yes you are right it is difficult! You are tired and nervous you will fall back into the same thing again.

Please realise that yes slip-backs do happen, but: this time you and your d already know she can gain weight again. It won't be exactly the same (if it happens). You are better equipped now and your daughter has already made the resolution once to recover.

See Torie (post 2) you need to take it slowly and yes you do need to realise that recovery is not linear.  We had several false starts and going back and forwards. Also my daughter caught the flu twice during the beginning of stage 2: 4 days vomiting and not eating , boy that was scary. But d is much stronger and more determined now and she will fight back (your d too).

What I am a little concerned about is the lack of knowledge/understanding if stage two of your h and other children. When your d has her next appointment it may be a good idea to suggest to go with the whole family and have a good talk about what you guys can expect for the next while and make a good plan how to further support  d. 
I think it is crucial to promote a good  self-esteem  now (sketcher) and be positive; this stage can still be quite challenging. 

It also sounds to me you are going quite fast, for yourself too.

Think in terms of: what is helping D, and what response would be helping ED to get more grip again.

Guilt feelings, you going to pieces is helping ED to get more grip again.

I had it very strongly too, but slowly learned:
Guilt leads to d feeling bad , leads to her getting angry at herself, leeds to self harm and inability to eat again.
Anything that makes her feel bad about herself at this moment in time is not helpful for her.

Is it possible for you to make a plan with the whole family?

Include the other children and tell them how they can help.
Also plan some fun things/ rewards for them.
And plan a little time for you and h together,even if it is a 10-20 minute walk around the block.
These short times with h are also ideal to exchange some of the hurt and anxiety you are feeling and review the plan (frequently).

All the best!
xo

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lorpat
Thank you for such great advice!  The family issues are hard right now.  Seems like since she is feeling better overall, everyone is back to being their nasty selves in our home!  I have had 1:1 talks with the other two kids and my H - but I feel like family therapy would help more.  I don't think anyone else in family realizes just how dangerous this transition can be - they are like "she's eating - all is well."  They don't get it completely no matter how much I explain what all I know about it.  So, thinking of pasting some of the posts from FEAST onto a print out so they can understand this better. 

My daughter was always on the low end of the weight scale - usually 20-30percentile - she is at 50-60th now and that seems "high" for her.  I think she is probably at a good weight and a positive update is that she is eating more than I expect some days on her own because she reports feeling "hungry."  She gets herself snacks and ate guacamole and chips last night beyond her regular meals just because... So, I think she may be on a good track with food.  I have noticed good mood too lately (I know just typing that will jinx it!! ha ha).  But, there is an anxiety I have under all the progress because I know it is tentative and fragile - trying to communicate that to my family.

I also have taken good advice here to start focusing on myself more.  Trying to sort out what I "can control" and what I cannot control.  Trying for "good enough."  So, right now, I just set a limit that she has to shower fully twice a week or she loses her phone.  It was like magic - she showers....  I don't know why I over-complicated the whole ordeal. I can exercise more, take better care of myself, etc. - getting a date night with my H tonight - we have been sort of not getting along which is not good for anyone.  So, slow and steady - onward and upward.  Trying to stay positive!!!  I have a therapist, but this forum helps me more than anything - just hearing good advice from others who have been there.  You are all amazing!  I feel honored to have crossed paths with you guys!  Thanks.... xoxoo
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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Linda2
Hi Lorpat

I am glad you found my post : )

You were saying
Quote:
It seems like since she is feeling better overall, everyone is back to being their nasty selves in our home!  I have had 1:1 talks with the other two kids and my H - but I feel like family therapy would help more.  I don't think anyone else in family realizes just how dangerous this transition can be - they are like "she's eating - all is well."  They don't get it completely no matter how much I explain what all I know about it. 


Lorpat, they got to understand that this is an illness.
They wouldn't react like this when your d had cancer would they.
I suggest first talk to your h and get him to understand that this is an illness. It is not that your d was just 'being bad' or annoying or whatever. She still is having a very serious illness, which is not her fault nor is it anyone else's fault in the family. 
But it has to be taken seriously.

I think you are really amazing Lorpat; I wish I would have had your understanding you are having of it all at this stage! Your d is lucky to have you!. At least one person in the family is onto it!
Lorpat, we don't know why the illness happened. We do know it has genetic roots. It would be helpful for your h to read Carrie Arnolds book  - decoding anorexia- for a better understanding of this as an illness.
Also Eva Musby's book (google evamusby.uk.co) explains very clearly to the family that it is not their fault and how they might be feeling and that it is not d's fault.

I also think h (and you other children) needs to understand that at the core of this illness (this is what my h and I think anyway) lies a terrible self-loathing. So strong, that it made it possible for the person to stop eating. Again: emphasise you , h nor anyone in the family have caused this to happen! 

Sorry Lorpat if you are crying now (it still makes me cry inside) because of this. Nothing hurts more for a mum. Your connection with your child is so strong that you automatically link that self-loathing your d struggles with to yourself.
Unfortunately that is what many therapists (and in general people in society!) do.
I sincerely hope your therapist does not do that!

So take a moment and consider the 'self -loathing' as a stand alone thing, as something your d is vulnerable to. 
What do you see?
You see the other side of the coin, don't you
You see this beautiful, special, sensitive person, caring about others, and deep thinker

Because this illness gets the person into a grip, it gets stuck on something it just so happens that the 'self-loathing is overemphasised for a long time. I see it as if the illness caused a 'groove' in her brain, a strong pathway, that  causes her to go down the track : "I am no good'.

So at this stage of her illness, the family needs to be careful she doesn't fall into this groove again. To prevent that, you need to work on helping her to  form other, more heathy-thinking pathways and make these stronger, so it is vital for the person (and the family can help with this too) to keep working on a positive self image.

So any Guilt or Blame or Anger (which 'being nasty to her is) sends her straight back into that old groove. Stuck.
Once I was conscious of this mechanism, now when I feel negative (either about her or myself) when she is in the room I put the brake on it (I stop myself there and then). And I zone in to a positive side she has. I make sure that all my vibes are 'affirming' (this can be silent) It is part of recovery and this will take at least as many years as the illness had time to form that negative groove.
Parenting a person who is recovering form an ED, is 'unusual parenting'. I can understand you other kids must feel that, like they may feel that that is unfair. Difficult for them to understand, but they need to put the brake on that negativity. 

Best wishes!
x

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Linda2
Oh sorry, I forgot something

make sure you are not angry at h or your other children in front of d, or where she can hear; it will go straight to 'self-blame' = the negative -thinking groove.

In fact when my h and I are discussing anything (even something not to do with d at all) we discuss it on our walks away from her, because she half-hears things, or hears a negative tone of voice.... and she falls straight back into that groove!

Don't 'tiptoe' around her either though; what is required is a natural friendliness, acceptance and love.
And if that is not so at one moment in time, no man overboard , just keep working on it.
think 'good-enough' (this is for your  own 'overall self-evaluation' report!). 
[smile]


Have a lovely time with your husband! The 'date' sounds great : )
Way to go.
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OneToughMomma
Dear Lorpat,

You have received excellent advice and are doing a wonderful job.

I have only one tiny thought to add.

Do you think it would be possible to switch to blind weights now? You could tell d that now that her weight is good she doesn't need to know anymore. But you will just check to make sure it's not dropping.

You know what's best for her, and may decide to stick with open weighs, but I suspect for some kids at this point they become fixated on the number and keep themselves carefully in check. You might find that it creeps up if she doesn't know what it is.

Remember how fantastic you are.

XoOTM

Edited for phone typo
D in and out of EDNOS since age 8. dx RAN 2013. WR Aug '14. Graduated FBT June 2015 at 18 yrs old. [thumb]
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Torie
Oh dang, Linda is so right.

Sorry to say, I had to read other family members the riot act (when d was in another building so unable to hear / misinterpret). "SHE IS NOT WELL! SHE COULD DIE! STOP SAYING MEAN THINGS TO HER - SHE ALREADY HATES HERSELF!" That's the type of thing I found myself yelling at them - repeatedly - and I'm not normally a yeller. 

Surely others find a more diplomatic way to achieve the desired result, but really, whatever it takes.

I hope I remembered to tell them that I would do the same for them, if they were ill, as I was doing for Ed-d. Truth be told, not sure I remembered to say that. (The Torie Family is oh so lucky that Ed-d is the youngest - much, much easier on everyone that way.)

Good luck. Keep swimming.

xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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lorpat
Wow!  What amazing advice (and it really helps me feel better too) - the negativity is so strong.  You are all right.  I see my d looking deep into my eyes for any sign of dishonesty when I tell her she is "enough" and she is wonderful or that I love her.  She is so sure I am lying to her.  It is crazy.  I have all these pictures of her happy and I have them all over the house so I can remember her beautiful, trusting, happy soul.  When she sees them, she cries sometimes.  I think my family is doing their best - but they need to understand this like you said Linda2 - I may copy your response down for them to read!  It really helps make sense out of something I have been trying to say to them - but not as clearly as you did.  Thank you!  Also, Torie and onetoughmama - I love your tone, support and attitude - it just calms me down so much.  Thank you guys for being so awesome!!!!  All you you guys have daughters who are lucky to have you as well!!!  Bless you guys!!!  xoxoxo
One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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Linda2
Thank you Lorpat [smile]

I read what you said to my husband because we are both quite happy that our experience is now helping others!
He reminded me that this is also the time for strengthening Trust.

The ED voice has been very strong and negative indeed for her  for a long time, so it is hard for her to be able to trust the things that are different from the ED voice.

You will find that sometimes the ED might pop its head up again. That does happen every now and then. You might feel inclined (as I often am) to say: oh no that it not true , the world is not that bad etc., but it is better to say absolutely nothing at that point in time, because you can't win from an ED. All you get then is d saying: ah, they don't think the same as me, I better stick with ED again.
So if that happens, better to just let it pass and be quite casual.

To help her to re-build her trust (sounds awful doesn't it), but remember it is rebuilding or maybe building trust in the face of an ED- to help her with that, what helps my daughter is when we respond to her needs and get her to have a say, ie in what type of thing she wants to eat or what kind of thing she wants do be engaged in (school or hobby) and help her achieve that.

I wonder if your husband would like to take on part of that role of supporting her in her needs and decisions. That will also help him to realise what a struggle it still really is for her (you know sometimes you see the ED voice just flaring up from behind somewhere, so if he can see that he will get a better understanding as well- remind him he won't be able to fix it or fight it; let it pass and support her with her next decision : )

Wishing your family well (work as a team)!
xO


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Elena
Hi Iorpat,
We are also in phase 2 and struggling to work out our role in our ds recovery from this point on. I got phase 1, it was tough but with sheer force of personality and persistence I could do it. And now that we are supposed to be gradually giving back control to her, I feel like I've completely lost control. Like you, I am scared of going backwards, and my stress levels increase because it is so long between weigh ins. I'm not sure exactly when to jump in and when to give her a bit of breathing space. Anyway, I've been gleaning some good stuff from your answers, so thanks!
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anotherbite_CAN
Phase 2 is so confounding.  It's difficult to be patient but steadiness will come.  I remember feeling like she was 'back' but.....not really.  She was physically healthy and compliant with eating mostly but still tentative and touchy and not quite herself. And it was true...she wasn't fully herself yet.  She needed time - lots of.  She was sensitive and tentative and she still wasn't thinking properly for ages. She was also still growing.  I would say it took a good year post w/r for her to get some mojo back...and  a good couple of years for me to feel like I had a full return of the kid from pre-ED days.   I have heard (Dr. Lock at first FEAST conference) 6 months to a year post w/r for brain to fully heal. So, on that timeline it makes sense we still see vestiges post w/r.  

I am attaching the 'How Long Does it Take' thread-  I love this thread!  It quelled my fears every time I thought "will we be here forever':  http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/How-long-does-it-take-5421788#gsc.tab=0

Also here is a good old Phase 2 thread:  http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/its-official-i-hate-phase-2-5886134?pid=1273931611#gsc.tab=0

Slow and steady.  We are the safety net for some time still.  

You got this!
D dx at 10 years old in June 2011. She is now 16 and happy and healthy.  We were IP for 8 weeks and then refed at home for what felt like forever.  We chased vertical growth for years...as is typical for the age.
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lorpat

Great answers!  And I'm glad Linda2 about your reading the post to your H.  This is just tough!  I think I just learned something about my D.  She is not a great communicator.  She has been yelling at us if we even mention the word "ED" or anorexia or anything.  And she is doing well in many ways (compared to a few weeks ago even).  But, when oceanlover's d said "please don't see as just the ED" that makes more sense - my daughter just flips out...  So, I have started to realize just how little she has the ability to stand up for herself in a way that I am registering well.  I need to listen for the message beneath the message.  Thank you for the insight and I will check out those other posts, another bite! 

So, a weird phase 2 moment - I decided to hand her some information (I have researched this topic to death and have stacks of information) about basics of meals and requirements - we don't have her seeing a nutritionist (our only one in town told us to stop feeding her so much and wanted to put her on a special diet limiting whole food groups!!!! ).  This was just basic guidelines - like eat three meals and some snacks every day, try to get macro-nutrients like fat, carbs and protein in each meal, don't limit major food groups,etc.  Just to sort of give her the ideas I am working with so she can take over more.  She made her first lunch and it was ok.  It feels weird to hand that over (like my general nutrition 101 tips are top secret information or something!). . . but, I want to start sending the message that she is going to be taking over the reigns more and more.  I'm totally working in the dark here - but, I think I am starting to see the separation between her and me more clearly in terms of who is responsible for what.  I am moving to support rather than doing it for her... 

It seemed to go well.  We'll see.  She seems, dare I say - "happy" (not normal or really ok yet - but not depressed and like a ghost walking around anymore).  Cautiously optimistic.....

One day at a time...

daughter diagnosed 8/15 when she was 16,
wr through maudesly method 1/16,
currently in potential first relapse
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