F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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sunny6
It has been a difficult few weeks and one statement I have heard over and over is that this is all my fault and I am the reason they restrict and fight for control.

Who else hears that and how to respond or handle it?
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Ellesmum
Oh yes, hundreds of times I’ve heard I’m to blame, I’m a terrible mother, I’m a bleeping bleep bleep.   
How I handle/d it really depends on her mood, a full on meltdown and I wait for it to pass, a random bad mood I tend to tell her the language isn’t acceptable.  Sometimes it’s ‘least said soonest mended’ so it’s time for me to suck it up and tell her I’ll do better (this one stings)  
of course I’m human and retaliate sometimes, of course I’ve lost it on occasion, but generally I am able to keep calm, it usually ends in her tears, an apology and a cuddle.  It’s horrible isn’t it? 
Ellesmum
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Yogi13
It's all my fault that I have to "take things away from her" (exercise) and "make her eat".  A heavy load to carry on one's shoulders.  
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Enn
I too was blamed. It took a traumatic incident to understand that the reason she did that, the reason she HAD to blame me was to alleviate the distress she felt. It is a way to assuage the guilt they have and to appease ED a bit, I feel. Just my thoughts, though. 
Looking back and seeing others go through similar things, has shown me that they do yell and dump on those they feel that can love them no matter how ‘ bad’ they are behaving. Bad behaviour language etc is never acceptable but when I truly ‘got it’ that she felt I was a safe person to blame and that I would always be there no matter how messy things got, it was easier for me to tolerate. Mind you at the beginning I did yell back at times, but after that event, I would take a time out. I let her know I would be back when she calmed down or stopped yelling and that violence was never acceptable. 
I learned to acknowledge how hard it was for her. I had a self affirmation I used to say when I was really stressed. ‘ I am strong and able and I will fight ED for you’.  It made it bit easier.
All the best,
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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BebraveMummy
Hi sunny6 
100%  of the blame was lashed at me by my daugher, especially early in the year when initially hospitalised and early weeks back home. She refused my love and seemed to need to emotionally hurt me which is heartbreaking cause I felt so wretched and emotionally raw. Whilst professionals repeatedly told me I was not to blame and it is the illness a small but significant part of me believed her rants that maybe I was to blame😔. I just faked strength when I could, cried more than I thought was humanly possible and told her that she didn't need to love me for me to love her and NOTHING would ever ever stop me loving her. This often made her rage worse at the time but I felt she or the eating disorder needed to hear that I could not stop loving her no matter what.  I tried not to tolerate her violence when she hit and kicked  out at me, she went through a phase of throwing food at me which I maily stayed calm through  but on 1 occasions found myself removing the trashed sandwich from my jumper and smearing it on her face......it was looking very smug till then. I again faked that I wad not devestated for losing it cause she then got a look of victory on her chutney smeared face that I had finally lost my cool. I forgave myself pretty quickly relieved that it was a sandwich smear and not a slap which I delivered to her face. Thankfully her anger towards me is much less now and I cried with joy when a few weeks ago she started saying "I love you too" again when I tucked her in at night after 6 months with no comment when I told her I love her. 
I still get some nasty pointy blame probably once as week and it is still very painful and catches me by suprise cause its not as often .
I am pretty sure we just have to keep reminding ourselves of our precious childrens true healthy personality which has been hijacked.
Wishing you loads of love and support. 
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kazi67
I remind my d that it is AN that has taken away HER dreams/life/friends/goals/dance/exersize etc etc etc
and my sleep/peace of mind/life/money/sanity etc etc etc 

not me 
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sunny6
Our child insists that I am the trigger and the problem.  If I would leave them alone, they claim they would do so much better.  I know that isn't the case because of the relapse, but it is so hard to hear every day.
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Enn
It is very hard to hear everyday for sure. It wears on us and are you able to do nice things for yourself soothe your soul? 
I acknowledge how awful it is for you and I think you are wonderful taking care of a sick child day in and out! You are a hero and your efforts are not for naught!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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ValentinaGermania
sunny6 wrote:
Our child insists that I am the trigger and the problem.  If I would leave them alone, they claim they would do so much better.  I know that isn't the case because of the relapse, but it is so hard to hear every day.


Ah, ok. that is ED talk. Try not to engage in that and try not to take it to your heart. You know the truth.
When they are better they will thank you for what you have done.
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Ellesmum
Jojo2271 wrote:
I am blamed for her having the Ed in the first place, so that is her justification for being vile to me most of the time and I deserve my life being ruined. 
I am her emotional punchbag.. But I take heart that it is me she can do this to, but it is also me who she occasionally opens up to, me she turns to when Ed has scared her so badly she wants help. 
I just hope that in time this will get better and our relationship will be repaired 


oh Jojo, I know, the names I’ve been called and the accusations (quite literally unreal).  I guess the old saying ‘we always hurt the ones we love’ is true,  they know we’ll still love them regardless so we’re a safe target.  
Ellesmum
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ACL
It really truly gets better with food, weight and time. Try to remember your ill child is terrified and is in fight or flight response because of that. 
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