F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

Join these conversations already in progress:
• Road To Recovery - Stories of Hope
• Events for Parents and Caregivers Around the World
• Free F.E.A.S.T Conference Videos

Visit the F.E.A.S.T website for information and support.

If you need help using the forum please reach out to one of the moderators (listed below), or email us at bronwen@feast-ed.org.

Bontoplen_USA
Hi all, First I want to say Happy and Healthy New Year!!!.My question, my D sees me on this forum but I always close my laptop if she asks what I am doing.Many times I want to tell her about the stories on here,especially the ones with children her age. She sometimes feels like she is the only one with food issues.What is your opinion? Is it good for her to know there are other children that struggle? I have often heard her say she is not like other kids and she just wantsto be normal. She is a very compassionate person,sometimes I think too much so.She does not like to see kids sick or hurt and can't stand when someone is alone at recess.She will always make the new kid feel welcome. I wonder if she knew the stories here would worry excessively or would it help her to see others her age struggle?
Bontoplen
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YogurtParfait_US
I wouldn't, unless you want her to find it and read it. This forum is my little secret, and I do it only when my daughter is not around ... she may find it someday, but not because I tell her about it ...

YP
"Hope is a wonderful thing ... but hope by itself is not enough. Hope is the reason to take action, to make a plan and then to change the plan when it isn’t working - over and over and over again if necessary." Hannah Joseph (Let's Feast Friday Reflection, "Just Keep Going," Friday, March 3rd, 2015)
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SiriusHertz
We've told D about other kids and other people with ED, but we have not told her about the forum. We've mentioned Lady GaGa, one of our adult friends who she knows, and told her anecdotes about other kids without mentioning sources. She's still young enough that the all-knowing-parent thing works. We do our best to keep her internet access strictly limited to age-appropriate material for now. Hopefully by the time we have to let her have a bit of free reign, the ED won't be so overwhelming.
New Mexico USA | Step-Daughter dx. AN on 10th birthday (2012) | Still fighting back

The most beautiful people I've known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

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mamabear
My d knows about the forum. She knows that we have made some amazing connections with people through it. I tell her stories on occasion when it may help her. All she really knows is that it is a place to get help for questions about fighting her Ed. I really do not think she ever goes onto the forum, but if she does I guess I am not that worried about it. I just see it as an army of people fighting to help save lives. I think it may be different if she were an older teen, she is 12, but frankly, there is so much horrific stuff on the Internet that feast would be the least of my worries. I do not talk about the forum to her, but she does know that I am on it. A personal decision I guess.
Persistent, consistent vigilance!
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JangledUSA
The first month I was on the forum I had a different screen name - an abbreviated version of my real name - and my daughter was reading ever post I put up.   She was in treatment and it caused no end of problems for her.    Worse, the treatment team at the facility was reading my posts about switching to FBT, etc. because my daughter would show them to her counselor and that caused a lot of friction too.

Now she knows I'm on the forum a lot and she calls ya'll my "Feasty Friends".    




A dad.
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WeNWinning
I never discussed the forum with my D till way later after she was fully WR and maintained.  I thought of it as my place and she would have distorted what was said on here.  Once she was in remission I told her about the forum and all that I've learned from FEAST and the other parents as well as providing feedback to others.  She has a strong appreciation for FEAST especially having met many of the parents at the FEAST conference last year and this year.

She got a kick out of parents coming up and saying to me "Well hi - So, you're wenlow" and they told her  how much I'd helped them to help their Y/A child.  She felt a real sense of pride in her Mom and kinship to all the forum parents.


WenWinning (formerly wenlow) - a Mom who has learned patience, determination, empathy, and inner strength to help her young adult daughter gain full remission after over a decade of illness and clinician set inaccurate weights
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Red
If I have my way, the first my d hears about this forum will be as a fully-recovered 36-year old! I wipe my history every single time I've been on here & never talk about it in her presence. She knows I read & research a lot but that's all. On the other hand, with your little one, there may be no harm in saying 'I have a friend who...' or 'I've read all about a little girl who...'. However, you may well want to stick with recovery stories so you don't cause additional anxiety. It might perhaps be enough to express absolute confidence in your/her/your team's ability to move her forward in life.
The future is not set; there is no fate but that which we make for ourselves.

"Not my daughter, you bitch." Mrs. Weasley
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DolphinUK
Bon, I agree with Red. I feel that with my D it would add a great deal of anxiety and distrust between us. I dont want her to see this until she is fully recovered hopefully.I do tell her about my friends I have met at conference and on the internet who have children recovering from ED, as I think it helps her to see that recovery is possible?

xxx
You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
Christopher Columbus
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Bontoplen_USA
Thank you all great things to consider.I would never just direct her here,she's only 8 and thinks the only internet she is allowed on(by the internet police or something LOL)is Kidzui,internet for kids,but I think it would comfort her to know there was a place where I talk to other people about their kids and what we are doing to help.She thinks she is not normal.
Bontoplen
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YogurtParfait_US
Wenlow, great story!

Jangled--I had hunted around to find your early story, of how you switched to FBT, and couldn't--now I know why!!!

YP
(P.S., no part of my name consists of "yogurt" or "parfait" or any of its parts!! )


"Hope is a wonderful thing ... but hope by itself is not enough. Hope is the reason to take action, to make a plan and then to change the plan when it isn’t working - over and over and over again if necessary." Hannah Joseph (Let's Feast Friday Reflection, "Just Keep Going," Friday, March 3rd, 2015)
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YogurtParfait_US
I also have told my daughter about kids who recovered, who got "mean voice" when they were ten and now are twelve and all better, so she'll get better, too. And, she knows that I went to a conference about eating problems, and that I meet with a group of moms whose kids had eating problems and are all better.

I think you are in a good position to stop doing this forum in front of your daughter if you want to, and she'll forget about it ... if you decide you don't want her to know about it till she is, as Red said, "a fully-recovered 36 year old!"

With warm support,
YP
"Hope is a wonderful thing ... but hope by itself is not enough. Hope is the reason to take action, to make a plan and then to change the plan when it isn’t working - over and over and over again if necessary." Hannah Joseph (Let's Feast Friday Reflection, "Just Keep Going," Friday, March 3rd, 2015)
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PinkMomUSA
Hello, I have not told my d about this forum I was afraid that she would be upset since she doesn't want everyone to know she is fighting with AN. If she comes into the room or anywhere near where I am I just keep on tying or reading. I feel if I stop and she sees that I am hiding something then she will question me. She stood right by me one night and glanced at the computer and went on.

If there was a forum that was specifically for her to chat with others going through an eating disorder and I felt it would help her I am all for it.
PinkMom
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YahtzeeUSA
Hi - I have not told D (RAN - 15) about this site and probably never will.   I am not sure where she stands psychologically right now but from what I witness, she still needs our "protection" in this area.  AN can be a competetive disorder so we still filter, to the best of our ability, all outside influence which would include any websites ("good" or "bad"),  support group settings or even making new friends who are ED AT THIS POINT of her illness.

Your D does not have the same problem so maybe you can test the waters a little differently.

I also want to point out that after my D's dx, 2 very close family friends came forward to tell of their EDs.  I "put" them in my arsenal just holding them to bring them out when needed.  I'm not sure why I didn't use them but am so I'm glad I didn't.

One is having a very rough time now which now comes off as just a bad time and D knows no different.  The other, who I found out has never sought help, is down to a very very VERY low weight (90's).  Both friends were so great and supportive over the summer so if I would have had them "talk" to D then, this is what she would now be witnessing.

Also, D  found out a friend at school had an ED, sought help for her with a teacher who developed AN about 3 years ago and talks openly about it in her class.  I was told after and really thought it was a good idea.   HOWEVER - as D is telling me the story, I discover that teacher is functional but has not recovered.  She did tell D that when she does recover, she would love to help the girls at school because others had come to her.

Plus, the "friend" D helped out has been thrown up in our faces several times by our D that her treatment is so much different than our D's and she is doing so much better than D.  None is true but I can't imagine those stumbling blocks all the time.
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Purple_UK
My D found out about it early on. Initially she was furious, ed doesn't like empowered parents.
Like Red, I always wipe my history, and my emails are pw protected.
When it comes up now, like when I went to the conference, I just say I need support too, just like she needs support.
She doesn't like the idea she s being talked about, fair enough, I tell her it's more general stuff, and I'm trying to help her.
She's ok with it now, curious more than anything.
Would never let her read on here, I'm entitled to a private life too!
Purple 
Where there's a will there's a way.
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gobsmacked_US
I don't talk about the forum and I'm careful about using it in front of her. Her distance eyesight is pretty bad though unless she's wearing her glasses so I can be using it in the same room as her as long as she's not near me. I just make sure the feast logo isn't visible, as that's pretty memorable.

If you think it would help your d, then tell her. Maybe at her age it would. Perhaps you don't have to give her details though -- tell her at a time when you aren't on it that you belong to a support group online where parents talk about taking care of their children with EDs. If she seems to want to see it, you could say that other parents like their privacy, so you don't want to share it.
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