F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

Welcome to F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum. This is a free service provided for parents of those suffering from eating disorders. It is moderated by kind, experienced, parent caregivers trained to guide you in how to use the forum and how to find resources to help you support your family member. This forum is for parents of patients with all eating disorder diagnoses, all ages, around the world.

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Please help~

My daughter is currently at a facility in Utah.  She left August 22nd for one facility and was there for a few months.  She lost so much weight that she wound up in the hospital.  She is now at a new facility (that uses feeding tubes) since October.  She is 16 and she has been at 4 treatment facilities now TOTAL...in between being refed by me.

While talking to her therapist today she stated that when she is in session with her she writes "DELUSIONAL DELUSIONAL"--about most of what she says.  

My daughter does not believe she has a problem and that we are all in a conspiracy against her.  

She is 5'3 and her weight goal was set at 115-117.  The rest of us are at least 3-6 inches taller.  Her mental health has not returned.   She is indeed very delusional.  Should I insist the weight goal be increased until her mental health returns.  My husband does not want to believe that a higher weight could help. This thread is for him!
Hi Jen....or should I say Hi to Jen's Husband!

The video already posted is good.    Weight is just one part of the puzzle that is this illness.     But let me take just a minute to address your husband directly- and Dad to Dad.

If you want my "resume" when it comes to ED - just search my name on this site and read my posts.   It is not a happy story with a happy ending.    I, too, had a daughter in Utah for months - an end to a long journey of 6 different facilities.   She, too, was delusional and suicidal.   And while she never mentioned a conspiracy against her, I'm pretty sure she felt we were out to get her (and her friend ED).   And it was true.  We were out to get ED.   No secrets about that.  

This illness is so hard, and you've been fighting with your daughter for so long already.    You are probably tired and ready to stop fighting - if only for a little while - just to get some rest.    Why keep pushing her buttons by insisting on a higher weight range?    Why cause anger that will blow up back in your face?     To be very blunt - because you want to keep your daughter alive.  

I wish I had the chance to fight with my daughter again.   Instead, we now fight on behalf of others when we can.    This disease is a killer - and just when you think you may have it by the tail - it rears up and bites hard.    So make the tough decisions.   If it means higher weight range - then do it.    The resistance may be tremendous, but the ability to give that girl a hug (even if she squirms) makes the work worthwhile.     
----    "Parenting is not for cowards."
Dear Jen & Jen's Husband,

To Jen's Husband, this disease is serious & has taken many lives. Our family is fortunate that our two close shaves did not give us the same result as Stubby.

You have an opportunity to help your wife fight this disease & help your D to fight this disease!! Read here all the dad/husband posts, read all the info about this disease & what dads/husbands can do & the join your wife & collaborate to beat ED!!

ED Dad
Dear Jen & Jen's Husband,

I'm hoping this post brings you encouragement and inspiration.  I'm a parent who fought the ED battle with my daughter and won.  My daughter was also 16, 5'3" with a target weight of 117 - 119.  She hated us when we put her in treatment.  She took much of her displeasure out on Dad.  As far as she was concerned she didn't have a problem.  It was him. It was very taxing to say the least.  But we kept pushing through and made sure she ate.  And she gained weight.  117 came and went.  Due to some medication/hormonal treatment she gained a lot more weight (20-25 lbs above "target")....and grew another inch...and started living life again.  That extra weight allowed her brain to heal.  Our daughter was back.

Here she is today having just finished fall semester of her sophomore year of college at her dream out-of-state college.  She has been able to return to competitive equestrian riding.  She works as a research assistant and is loving life.  Her weight has stabilized at around 130 lbs.  She has maintained that weight for over a year now.  She eats freely and enthusiastically - you should see her with the Christmas cookies!   She told me the other day that the ED nightmare is a thing of the past.  She doesn't even think about it.  Life is good.

Keep on fighting.  It is worth everything.
Mom of a 19 yr old. RAN diagnosed 1/2014. Residential, PHP, IOP. W/R since late summer 2014. Now in remission and thriving in her second year at university. My Faith remains.
Another mom here who had to push the weight range higher than was initially set (by 15 pounds!) to get her child to wellness.  My daughter is now doing very well, but suffered for far longer than we had to because of a weight range that was too low.  And, I'm going to be honest here...that was mainly MY fault.  I was giving in to MY fears that my daughter was going to be "too fat."  I was afraid.  It was so stupid (in retrospect).  As a culture we are so wrapped up in the "thin is good" way of thinking that I almost let it kill my daughter.  

My daughter's weight is good today, but only because I got over my fear of the gain.  She looks fantastic.  She has curves in all the right places.  But, the best part is that she is HAPPY and eating like a normal teen.  She has a normal life.  She does normal things.  It was beyond worth it to push her weight up.  I have her to hug and hold, hopefully for the rest of my days, however long God grants me on this earth.  

Do it.  You will not regret it.  I promise you.
D, age 18, first diagnosed March 20, 2013, RAN, at age 13 Hospitalized 3 weeks for medical stability. FBT at home since.  UCSD Multi-family Intensive June 2015. We've arrived on the other side.  :-)  D at college and doing great!
The Torie Family also had to push their Ed-d to a higher weight than recommended by the rest of the team.  That's how we got our girl back.  She's doing really well now.

Someone here pointed out that there is very little downside to an "extra" ten pounds, especially since you don't want to be hanging onto the lowest possible healthy weight anyway, because illness strikes from time to time and they drop a few pounds really quickly, or lose weight unintentionally for other reasons.

But the downside to remaining a few pounds too light can be huge.  Lifetime of suffering.

You will never know unless you try.  xx

"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
I would add too that given how fast they can spiral down and lose weight, you really need a cushion so getting her to her "goal weight" is all well and good but you need more.  The goal weight set by so called professionals really should be the absolute minimum they should weight and my rule of thumb has always been add at least 15 pounds to that.