F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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deenl

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Reply with quote  #26 
Silali,

That's such a lovely post, thank you.

I was particularly struck by this metaphor and I'm going to use it a lot in the future.

"It is like grabbing a bull by its horns, it will start kicking and shaking it head with such strength it will shock you."

Wishing you, your daughter and family continued success.

D

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2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, tons of variety in food, stepping back into social life. Sept 2017, back to school full time for the first time in 2 years. Happy and relaxed, just usual non ED hassles. 

  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal. (but don't give up on the plan too soon, maybe it just needs a tweak or a bit more time and determination [wink] )
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
amirak

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Reply with quote  #27 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ocras68
How are things going? Psychological therapy is futile until your daughter is weight restored, as her brain will be incapable of dealing with anything except calorie deficit at the moment. Family Based Therapy is the way forward - first weight restoration, then dealing with the disordered thinking. I would definitely recommend Eva Musby’s book, it’s a beacon of realistic hope and sensible advice. My daughter started off like yours; the anorexia crept up so quietly we didn’t realise it was there until it had taken hold.

Wishing you love and strength.


Things are going all over the place (from totally crummy to good moments).  Daughter is increasing caloric intake, but...Personally, I'm exhausted.  

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amirak

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Reply with quote  #28 
Thank you Silali. This post made me cry.  Up to the hospitalization part, this is "our" story.
Every day now I think about how I might take a leave from work as I'm truly exhausted (bad combo of the ED and my work being at its busiest).  I'm walking around in what feels like a perpetual state of sadness.  


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tina72

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Reply with quote  #29 
Try to do something nice for yourself, amirak. You need power for a marathon. Can you have some leave from work? Or put down a few hours a week? A free day?

Tina72

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d off to University now 2 years after diagnose, still doing FBT and relapse prevention 
scaredmom

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Reply with quote  #30 
Big hugs amirak! It is so hard. Please let us know how we can help you so that you can feel supported and less stressed. I known that the stress and exhaustion is part of where you are now, but come here a let a load off- we all care about you.
XXX

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Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
sk8r31

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Reply with quote  #31 
Hi Amirak,

If you have the ability to take a leave from work, that might be best.  You absolutely need to prioritize self-care in order to manage for the long haul.  

As tough as it is in the early days to work on weight restoration and interrupting negative behaviours, hitting things early and hard can make it easier in the long run.

Eva Musby's meditation for self-compassion can be helpful, and certainly any small gesture you can make for yourself daily...a brief walk, cup of tea or coffee with a trusted friend, bubble bath...will help to buoy you up.

Hang in there!

Sending warm support,
sk8r31

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It is good to not only hope to be successful, but to expect it and accept it--Maya Angelou
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #32 
Hi there, 
A big wave from Ireland.
There is hope.
My S got ill at 13 and he is 16 and in strong recovery for some time now.
Ask all the questions you like.
Here is an excellent book that I would advise you to buy.

https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Teen-Eating-Disorder/dp/1684030439

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Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
mimi321

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Reply with quote  #33 
Hi amirak,

this is truly exhausting. I, too, had to take time off of work to care for my child, although I was working part-time and was a secondary income so it was a little easier. Regardless, this illness really does need someone's full attention in this intensive stage, and I would say for several months in all likelihood. 

I see you are in Canada. I know there is a program (federal) that will allow you to collect ei while taking time off of work to care for a loved one. Maybe this is something you could avail of:

https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/ei/caregiving.html

Hang in there and try to look after yourself when you can. Remember you need to fuel and care for yourself in order to care for another, and this illness demands a lot of your energy, especially at this critical stage.

-mimi

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Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Milne
amirak

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Reply with quote  #34 
Thank you all so much.
Upon the recommendation of someone on the forum, I ordered the "when your teen has an ED" last week (and finished it).
I am going to listen to Musby's compassion meditation.
As soon as I can (after Oct 24), I am going to seriously look at where I can take time off work...even if it 'just' a few hours here and there. That should be possible.

As for coming to the forum to share, that's harder for me. I will push myself as I truly do appreciate the support.



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silali

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Reply with quote  #35 
HI Amirak 

I cried too while I was writing my message to you!! Your story brought it all back to me just like that! in an instant!  

On here, we have all felt like you are feeling now, it is, unfortunately, an essential part of this awful process!!

You are trying to make sense of it all: moaning the loss of your "old Beautiful daughter", learning about the horrible implications of Anorexia, asking yourself how, why and when your daughter got so ill, working out how the hell you are you going to help her while, at the same, you are feeling completely hopeless and you also need to think of the wealth fare of your other children, work and everything else. 

The first few weeks I used to go to bed and have panic attacks, I used to feel like my D had been kidnapped by an invisible monster!!
It was a paralyzing experience!    
I used to cry myself to sleep and wake up a couple of hours later only to get on the internet to read stories , watch videos (some of them are dreadfully painful to watch) but I was desperate to find trying to find answers, trying to learn from others.
I had no choice I had to do something for my daughter.   
 
If you don't give up Amirak, if you don't give in this horrible illness, I promise you, next year it will be you writing a message of support to someone else in desperate need! 
Early intervention is on your side, the soon you interrupt Anorexic behaviors the quicker is the recovery. 

 Is she still going to school? or is she at home?
My daughter could not cope with school before she went to hospital and she was too weak and cold physically and emotionally.
School, friendships, hobbies don't matter at this moment in time.
I hear you might not be able to take leave from work, and that's ok, you can work around this.

Try to build a team of people around you if you can you can share meal duties with. You just need to make sure you all stick to the same rules, give her the same answers.
Your D will need to be supervised every meal and snack.
If she still going to school maybe you can ask school to supervise her while she is there?
REmember you are aiming at 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. I think the rule is, if I remember well, not to let her go for more then 2/3 hours without food.    

Planning meals is a good strategy also: before Anorexia I used to cook everything from scratch now I usually buy in all snacks.
AS much as I dont like eating to much of them, butter, cream and full fat milk saved my D.    

So here my list of practical advice and things I did and I would recommend you:
  • Start given you D a very good multivitamins (some, more expensive, don't need food to be metabolized by the body).
  • if you can and as long as it last, try to give her tables with a good table spoon of honey (I use high grade Manuka at the beginning). I used to tell her it is much easier to swallow with honey but what I really wanted increase calories intake to the max
  • I would also try probaotics, they seem helping a lot with depression, I introduced them to my daughter later on but I wound have tried a little earlier if I knew it. These should help with constipation which is an other thing that will make her feel bloated and uncomfortable.  
  • as much as you can eat at the table as a family, serve food already plated in the kitchen rather then presenting lots of food in front of her to avoid overloading her senses 
  • Dont tell her you are going prepare food, just call her at the last minute, this way you will avoid making her anxious before the meal 
  • use big plates and bowl to trick her in thinking her portion is small
  • If she is not eating (which it will happen) make use at least she drinks water every meal
  • Establish basic rules: no toilet trips after meals for at least 30 minutes, no locking the bedroom or bathroom doors,
  • no exercise, make sure she spends as much time as possible on the sofa, keep her nice and warm. All of these things will maximize the amount of calories she is using  
  • try to get her to spend as much time as possible with others rather looked in her room by herself (she will need constant distractions, movies, knitting, crafts anything she is interested in)  We in the UK and tv programms like Miranda and Not Going Out for some reason did it for us! 
  • get hot water bottle ready after meals. her stomach has shrunk and as she increases food intake it will hurt. 
  • essential oils like lavender to massage her hands, feet is she let you
  • Stroke her when she is sad or crying (sometime she might refuse you but you must try every time, she is lost and lonely) 
  • Compassion, when she tell you you are making her life a misery you tell her you are punishing the Anorexia not her. Its not her fault, its the illness fault. 
  • Observe her, she might try to communicate with you in different ways, my D used to write down awful messages but I believe it was her way to tell us how she was feeling. Has she mentioned you an internal voice talking to her? Some kids have one. 
  • Some one mentioned https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPSLdUUlTWE watch it when you feel ready is very good.  
With my D recovery I think we were lucky for a couple of reasons: our daughter has always been very good at following the rules (a perfectionist for sticking to the rules) and when she ended up in hospital she absolutely did not want being tube fed so she ate all was given!
This allowed us to establish a meal pattern quicker and we followed it for 4 weeks before she came back home. Once home we did have set backs but she was stable enough for us to fight back.   

Amarik, you will find your way to help her, you just need a little time to work it out!

wish you all the best and I will be thinking about you all 😉  
 
toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #36 
Hi, 
So glad you will listen to Eva's meditation video,
She also has meal coaching videos on her website and here is a link to free help sheets from her website too.
https://anorexiafamily.com/download-help-sheets/#!/~/product/id=111982007

Her book is also well worth buying.  
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Anorexia-other-Eating-Disorders-compassionate/dp/0993059805/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538923287&sr=8-1&keywords=eva+musby

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Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
Ocras68

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Reply with quote  #37 
Amirak, hang in there. There have been many times when I have sat alone in the house and wept for my beautiful daughter and what this awful disease has done to her.
Every meal, every snack really matters. I noticed with my d that the longer she went between eating, the more resistant she became at the next meal, so I agree entirely with the advice mentioned by Silali to have gaps of no more than 2/3 hours between food. Breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, dinner, suppertime snack. Structure is vital. The snacks need to be substantial, you cannot overestimate the amount of calories needed. Cheese and butter are your friends. My daughter balks at thickly buttered toast, but has no idea how much butter home-made waffles contain! Or at least pretends not to know, because it’s not visible, and anyway “Mum is in charge”. Be consistent, calm and do not ever negotiate. Although it might not seem that way, your child needs the relief of knowing that the ED is being overpowered by your rock-solid loving determination.
amirak

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Reply with quote  #38 
Thank you Silali, Ocras68, toothfairy, mimi, sk8r31, tina, scaredmom and others I have missed.

Your support is truly welcome.

Silali:
- yes, she is going to school (though she can opt out on any given day and, this past week, I wondered about pulling her out all together; right now, however, she often appreciated the social contact)
- she is eating--and much more than 1 month ago. Thank goodness (though the bloated abdomen is 'freaking her out')
- I smiled at the 'use large plate' strategy. Clever😉
- Thx for suggestions of multivitamin and probiotics.
- The Kelty Foundation meal support video is excellent. My spouse and I watched it a few weeks ago and it was a real education for us.

I have ordered Musby's book. 

I sincerely hope I can be the one providing support to others in the future.

We 'survived' Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, we hosted at our house. 






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toothfairy

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Reply with quote  #39 
So glad your day worked out.
I hope you have a nice relaxing evening.

I am delighted you bought Eva’s book too.

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Food is the medicine. Recovery is possible.
silali

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Reply with quote  #40 
Hi amirak 

Great News!
Sounds like you are on the right track already!
Keep going! 
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