F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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salmy

I had a revelation tonight as we were going many, many rounds with D..... We must insist on obedience. She is spending alllll of her energy fighting with us (me specifically), that she is not fighting ED at all. I started using the language "I am the parent, you are the child, right now the direction is to X, I'm doing/taking Y, when you finish X you will have Y back. Since she has already lost her phone for swearing repeatedly at me we had to find a different consequence. Then, when she didn't finish her dinner I made her a smoothie with ensure and used the same insisting "I'm the parent, you're the child" to coax her to get to drink it. I think I even saw some relief in her eyes - like she didn't have to make the decision, she just had to do it. 


D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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Enn
Taking control of the situation can give your child a break from ED. If you insist that this will be eaten, it gives her an out with ED. She can say to ED, "see mom made me.. it is not my fault."
Well done, salmy. You are really on top of ED!!
When within yourself you find the road, the right road will open.  (Dejan Stojanovic)

Food+more food+time+love+good professional help+ATDT+no exercise+ state not just weight+/- the "right" medicine= healing---> recovery(--->life without ED)
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Foodsupport_AUS
You are right that many kids find it so much easier when they are not making the choice. It took four years for my D to be able to fight back against the thoughts, up till that point she just had to feel there was no choice. Eating is required, not requested, and certainly not a choice. If you can get this working for you, you are well on the way. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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salmy
This actually goes way beyond eating. Empty the dishwasher, pick up the coats in the closet that you just trashed because you are mad, clean up the spilled ink. She wants to fight over everything.  It looks like she needs us to be in control and make her do all.the.things. Meanwhile, her biggest complaint has been that I am trying to control everything, but it is evident to me suddenly that this is just what she needs. She is a young 16 - probably closer to 14 mentally. I teach 3rd grade. I know that kids thrive with boundaries! I think we gave up on boundaries for her at a young age because it was nearly impossible to enforce them. Back to boundary city. I'm actually making a list of things I'm not controlling for her for the next time she complains about that to me... 
D16 diagnosed AN October 2019 -25% of body weight, but still "healthy weight" per Dr.
Started FBT Dec 2019
July 2020 Fully WR + 10%
2 Months in to Phase 2
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MKR
I always tell my daughter that her future bosses, customers, colleagues will have rules. So this is just preparation how to do as you are told and stay cool.

Another analogy is traffic rules. Every vehicle has to comply. You cannot drive in the opposite direction of the lane you are in.
Mum's Kitchen

14-y-o "healthy living" led to AN in 2017 and WR at 16. Current muscle dysmorphia.
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sandie
@salmy we are also struggling with boundaries and complaints about controlling everything and disobedience- also extending way beyond food.
And your story about this being difficult from young age chimes for us also for our ED D. Obviously all kids benefit from boundaries and testing boundaries is important part of growing up but in particular i have always thought that she particularly needs support of boundaries but at the same time constantly challenges them and they are difficult to enforce and she now uses food as a weapon to challenge. 

I am so glad your approach of “I am the parent and you are the child” seems to be effective. Cheering you on. 
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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ValentinaGermania
salmy wrote:
I think I even saw some relief in her eyes - like she didn't have to make the decision, she just had to do it.


I also saw that relief to be able to rely on us and not being forced to make a decision any more. Many parents report that.
It takes the guilt from their shoulders. ED cannot make them responsible for eating any more and blame them. They can blame it on us.
For a German the word "obedience" is not possible to use. That is a no-go here. I would call it consent or something like that. 🙂
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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sandie
@ValentinaGermania 
i think my D must be German 😆 Obedience is a no-go word in her eyes too! Xx
Courage is not the absence of despair; it is rather the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair
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Foodsupport_AUS
Definitely not consent in this case. Consent is defined as : permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. - There is no agreement here. 

Obedience is defined as : compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority.

No idea what the correct German word would be. 
D diagnosed restrictive AN June 2010 age 13. Initially weight restored 2012. Relapse and continuously edging towards recovery. Treatment: multiple hospitalisations and individual and family therapy.
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