F.E.A.S.T's Around The Dinner Table forum

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Ellesmum Show full post »
Ronson
I’m so sorry to hear of your d anxiety mamado. Have you considered medication - our d is now on fluoxetine and this has helped her anxiety immensely - not just around eating but lots of areas. I really hope that things improve - could you give the meal in small parts so she cannot eat too much at once? Or could meals be smaller and snacks bigger ?

It is so hard to manage with another child as well - and I felt that quite often the professionals disregarded our other d’s needs which I found hugely frustrating.

I do hope this gets better for you
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Ronson
Ellesmum - I wonder if these meltdowns are extinction burst - is d near her target weight now ?
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Ellesmum
Ronson wrote:
Ellesmum - I wonder if these meltdowns are extinction burst - is d near her target weight now ?


She hasn’t been weighed for a while, I did wonder about extinction burst but I think it may be too soon, I need to read more about it. I feel so sorry for her, she must feel awful. At the same time I need to look after myself.
Ellesmum
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Ronson
We had a number of extinction bursts - may not be too soon - is she not being weighed by camhs ?
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Ellesmum
We haven’t seen them since assessment but next appointment is coming up. She has had a good stretch of higher calories so you may be right. I’d find it easier to deal with in daylight hours I think. I dread the evening tbh.
Ellesmum
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Ronson
Yes it def worsens in the evenings - hopefully with the increased calories her weight will be better - is she back at school ? We are off on holidays back on Monday - my d better in the routine but is doing ok. Hope you have a better day today
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Ellesmum
Hi, how is everyone?

Friday night and I’m having a well deserved glass of wine after a week of highs and lows, the lows were a couple of awful meltdowns but the highs were chocolate, chips, pizza, doughnuts, ice cream, and the latest, fried food at home 😊

I continue to see glimmers of my real daughter and continue to hope. The positive voice is getting stronger but with wobbles here and there. She is beginning to call out other people’s silly advice and words rather than it set her back. This feels like a miracle, I know of course she may flare up at any moment but for now I’ll enjoy my wine. An early night as usual to avoid overtiredness.

Hope you all have a peaceful evening.
Ellesmum
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MamaDo
Ellesmum thanks for checking in, and I hope you are enjoying your wine. Sounds like you are seeing more and more of your D, which is so wonderful! And the confidence to call out people on their dumb stuff is a huge step!

Our week settled down a bit. Which is good. Finally had a vball day with no vomit, so yay!

Wishing everyone a good weekend!

Xoxo
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Ellesmum
I'm so glad your week ended better Mamado, and hope you have a good evening. We end our with tea and biscuits (cookies) and off to bed xx
Ellesmum
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deenl
MamaDo,

Some parents encourage/train their kids to match tempo to one of the parents, forkful by forkful. this is usually to speed up slow eaters but could work for you too. of course lots of reassurance 'this is a normal pace to eat, you're doing fine' and distractions. i assume you are replacing lost calories with an equivalent supplement of some sort so as not to reinforce this as a way to avoid nutrition.

Mamabears daughter developed something similar and they got over the hump by spoon feeding literally nonstop all day. One of the most important lessons our kids need to learn is that they need to eat no matter what obstacles are in the way. i am sure you will find something that works for you.

Warm wishes, D,
2015 12yo son restricting but no body image issues, no fat phobia; lost weight IP! Oct 2015 home, stable but no progress. Medical hosp to kick start recovery Feb 2016. Slowly and cautiously gaining weight at home and seeing signs of our real kid.

May 2017 Hovering around WR. Mood great, mostly. Building up hour by hour at school after 18 months at home. Summer 2017 Happy, first trip away in years, food variety, begin socialising. Sept 2017, back to school FT first time in 2 years. [thumb] 2018 growing so fast hard to keep pace with weight
  • Swedish proverb: Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I need it most.
  • We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence Recovery, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle.
  • If the plan doesn't work, change the plan but never the goal.
  • We cannot control the wind but we can direct the sail.
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Ellesmum
Morning, how are you?

I’m wiped out today, running on empty but D continues to eat with minimal resistance. Breakfast is up to 700 calories with a 200 calorie snack an hour later, lunch is creeping up too and we’re consistantly managing 3k daily. She’s managed to visit school but I’m not happy about her rejoining just yet, it’s too soon and she’s not happy eating away from me.

I need to work on her self esteem I think. I see ED everywhere now, we saw 2 young girls yesterday who were clearly unwell and massively triggered D leading to tears. The evening was a bit calmer but tbh the days and nights pass in a blur and run into each other, nevertheless I continue to see glimpses of the real girl and want her back so badly.

Hope everyone has a good or at least manageable day x
Ellesmum
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tina72
Hi Ellesmum,
I am so sorry that you are wiped out today. Can you do something nice for yourself? Just a little thing?

"I’m not happy about her rejoining just yet, it’s too soon and she’s not happy eating away from me."
It is woth a try and if it doesn´t work you will have ideas for plan b or c.
Eating in school would not have worked here and so we took her home for lunch and brought her back to school. That was exhausting and a big organisation thing but it was needed here. Can you do something like that if it doesn´t work?

"I see ED everywhere now, we saw 2 young girls yesterday who were clearly unwell"
That is something I did not lose and I think I will never lose that again. I see AN people, too. And I see when someone is underweight (for which reason no matter). At the beginning that stressed me a lot. I now try to use it for my d´s recovery. Because when I see with other people that they are underweight I feel the power to see a relapse with my d without knowing the number of the scale. In January she lost 1 kg by learning for A level exams here and I saw that before we went for the weighing.

I hope school will give her some distraction and you some little free time for yourself. And if it doesn´t work, you can leave her at home again. Plan b,c,d. One day at a a time...

I send you a big hug!
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Torie
Ellesmum, you have made such great progress; I'm sure it's exhausting.

Ellesmum wrote:
we’re consistantly managing 3k daily. She’s managed to visit school but I’m not happy about her rejoining just yet, it’s too soon and she’s not happy eating away from me.

I need to work on her self esteem I think.


I agree with Tina that it is important to keep up the supervision for a good bit yet, and it is possible to combine supervision with school in many cases.  Many here have arranged to have ED-kid come out to their car to eat.  A pain for sure, but ... progress!

The best thing for her self esteem is vanquishing ED.  I was really worried my d's self esteem would never recover especially since the self-loathing appeared before any weight loss.  Food, food, and more food plus lots and lots of time worked its magic, and her self esteem seems fine now.

Hang in there - better days are coming.  xx

-Torie
"We are angels of hope, of healing, and of light. Darkness flees from us." -YP 
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tina72
Self-esteem:
my d did not even know how to spell that or what that is in her teenager years

IF I could say that having AN had one good thing for her - I know it is quite dangerous to even think that - I would say that in some way she is now proud that she has survived that. I do not want to say that it is in any way positive to have AN - I want to say that the experience of a life threatening disease and the experience to be able to survive that and to stand up for herself did something with her brain and her self-esteem. She has learned to say NO in the last year and I am proud that she can say that now.

Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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MamaDo
Happy Sunday, our weekend has been ok. Ellesmum, school is hard. I meet my D for lunch every day; she eats in the car with me and then hops out to join her friends. Once she didn’t eat, so I had to bring her home. It works.

I finally got away for an evening with a friend and her family, and my family coped without me. And ED D ate take out Chinese with my H! Yay!

It was a strange evening out. I was hyper aware of how often the topic of “bad food” vs “good food” came up, and calorie counting and at one point, a woman who works in nutritional marketing, says “I just think doctors should be telling people more often to lose weight”.

Of course i took the opportunity to discuss health at any size, and the toll diet culture takes on mental health, but it just really brought home the fact that triggers are everywhere. I wonder if that’s always been there, and I’m only noticing it now, or if this was an anomaly. And it made me realize just how strong our kids’ self esteem needs to get to not only recover, but also to weather the pressure of a weight obsessed society.

Sigh.

The battle wages on.

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tina72
"I finally got away for an evening with a friend and her family, and my family coped without me. And ED D ate take out Chinese with my H! Yay!"
That sounds great mamado!

"It was a strange evening out. I was hyper aware of how often the topic of “bad food” vs “good food” came up, and calorie counting and at one point, a woman who works in nutritional marketing, says “I just think doctors should be telling people more often to lose weight”."
When I was out with friends that know what is going around at my home I asked them please not to talk about diet, weight or size to give me at least an hour to think and talk about something different. If my friends mum who has Alzheimer is around we do of course not talk about other people having that disease.

"And it made me realize just how strong our kids’ self esteem needs to get to not only recover, but also to weather the pressure of a weight obsessed society."
Yes, that is the second thing they have to learn after eating again. That every persons needs are different and that a society that judges people because of their look is superficial and that we don´t want to support that one day longer.

Have a nice evening!
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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kkhrd
Mamado, I totally relate.  I feel it was always there, however we are now hypersensitive to the things people say, I also find that diet and weight talk is also ALL over the news... makes me want to shut everything off!!

My D recently had an experience where at a football game where she and all her friends were cheerleading, at half time the girls went in a group over to the snack stand to buy some snacks and my D told me that the lady that was behind the counter told the girls that they should not choose such fattening foods because they needed to be thrown up in the air and tumble when the game returns, and that they should watch their figures!  I nearly spit fire!  I am sure no one would ever consider saying anything like that to the ball players, when in reality these cheerleaders are working really hard and expending so much energy.

The only good news was that my D brought that info to me as she noticed it was wrong of her to comment in such a way to her and her friends.  She said that that talk could really make someone feel badly about themselves.  Later on I cried about the scrutiny our youth has to grow up with.
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Ellesmum
I only have the chance to skim read but I’ll come back to each post. In the meanwhile I’m so grateful for your thoughts and kind responses. Just know I love you all and I’ll read back properly soon. It’s been a tough day, but knowing you are here makes me tougher xx
Ellesmum
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Nicstar4
Ellesmum, what you are doing is my goal! 3kcals amazing!
I have been awol from here, but still reading.
I see ED everywhere too. It amazes and saddens me.
Frankly have felt overwhelmed with formal diagnosis. But now going in with eyes wide open. Full supervision, with the corresponding full resistance.
Stepmum was amazing while she was at dads. Very thankful to finally find a co parent for the first time in my life.
Just come back with meeting from school. They will supervise recess and lunch. Year advisor d had AN and so did nurses d.
Discussed if need to support academic through last year, and what to do about camp.
Plans in place. Now to live through it.
Hope everyone is ok
X
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tina72
"Stepmum was amazing while she was at dads. Very thankful to finally find a co parent for the first time in my life."
That sounds so great!!! Take that time when she is at her dads for YOURSELF!

"Just come back with meeting from school. They will supervise recess and lunch. Year advisor d had AN and so did nurses d.
Discussed if need to support academic through last year, and what to do about camp.
"
Also great!!! Now keep fighting and you will see it gets better soon.

Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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krae
Hi Everyone, not going well at the moment, still trying for finance of our situation. Enough said on that.

D is ok but is STILL so restrictive, it's doing my head in. I can get her to gain but it's on a restrective food resume (although she will eat other foods and high fat foods with her girlfriends). 

I'm not doing very well with anything at the moment. In fact I don't even known what I will do for tomorrow.

Hey Tina I know you will say to stay stong and I will after some rest. At the moment I'm not strong and am feeling totally broken. I will be strong tomorrow. Tomorow is another day!
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Ellesmum
krae wrote:
Hi Everyone, not going well at the moment, still trying for finance of our situation. Enough said on that.

D is ok but is STILL so restrictive, it's doing my head in. I can get her to gain but it's on a restrective food resume (although she will eat other foods and high fat foods with her girlfriends). 

I'm not doing very well with anything at the moment. In fact I don't even known what I will do for tomorrow.

Hey Tina I know you will say to stay stong and I will after some rest. At the moment I'm not strong and am feeling totally broken. I will be strong tomorrow. Tomorow is another day!


I’m really not surprised you’ve run out of steam Krae, you’re really going through the mill and it’s so very hard, I hope you can rest and regroup x

Thanks so much Torie, Mimi, Tina and everyone for your kind words yesterday, I’m beyond tired but she’s eating which is the main thing.

Nicstar, you’re story is so similar to mine, we’ll all get there.

We have an appointment with specialist nurse this week and I need to be tough and make my expectations very clear. Hopefully she’ll be up to date and onboard but I’ll be on high alert for anything I’m not happy with. I’ve come way too far to have it all undone.

Sorry if I didn’t name check those kind enough to respond to me, my eyes are crossed with tiredness 😴
Ellesmum
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tina72
krae wrote:

Hey Tina I know you will say to stay stong and I will after some rest. At the moment I'm not strong and am feeling totally broken. I will be strong tomorrow. Tomorow is another day!


Ooh, I hope I am not the one who only says "stay strong, it will get better tomorrow"...;(
Krae, it is totally o.k. to have a rest and restart tomorrow! One day at a time. I have not been strong all days. In fact I was not strong most of the days. If I sound strong now that is because I am now on the other side of the tunnel and that is the only reason.
So I will not say "stay strong" today but "keep on going", krae. Small steps today, bigger steps tomorrow. But steps [wink].

Please feel hugged by me and please try to do something nice for yourself. I know that I am saying that every day but it is really important.

Love,
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Nicstar4
Krae, one moment at a time. You have made it work so far. Fingers crossed for you that finance gets a little easier. It is hard enough to do this without financial stress.

Ellesmum, can you email before hand, I have been emailing before apts. it make me less worried that I will forget what I really wanted to communicate in the heat of the moment in an appointment.

Tina72, any tips for navigating last year at school? Did your d get any allowances for abitour?

We had a day that went alright, no food throwing for the first time in ages. Even slightly happy tonight. Maybe meds kicking in? My heart is skipping a beat to spend some time with my real daughter!! Just have to watch she is not attaching to what her twin is eating, slight leanings towards that again. Resting up now to be ready for whatever tomorrow brings.
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tina72
Nicstar4,

at the beginning of the last year in school my d was 3 months WR.

We did it that way:
1. We asked her to get rid of all classes that she does not need for Abitur. No extras.
2. Her timetable was great by incident and she could eat at home every day. If not we would have fetched her up and brought her back like in the months before.
3. She lost 1 kg just by learning for the written Abitur tests so we had to add a snack again during this time.
4. We asked her to do something besides learning at least 2 afternoons a week. If she did not do that herself I asked her to help me in the garden or drive me somewhere with the car, just to get her off the desk for some time.
5. School was excellent and gave me allowance to leave her at home whenever I thought it was needed. So if she had a test in 3.+4. hour I let her sleep in and miss 1.+2. hour.
6. School was excellent in written Abitur tests which are 5 hours here. She was allowed to eat and drink whenever she wants.

We were very lucky. Our d was at the beginning of recovery when the last year started and it got better months for months and she had a really good last year in school (best of all socialy). She graduated as best student of her year although she missed 4 months totally and 2 months half in year Q2.

What help do you think your d would need? Ask for it, school was very helpful, they just didn´t know how to help at first.
Tina72
Keep feeding. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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